User avatar Chips

Pouring Beans is the natural home of democracy. In years gone by we have witnessed landmark votes on key issues that have set the agenda for a generation to come: subjects like meat, socks and playground rides.

Today’s vote is the big one. History calls us. It is time to decide, once and for all, the best kind of chips.

You can, and will, choose one of the following. Or another one if there’s any I’ve missed out.

  1. Chip shop chips
  2. Chunky chips
  3. French fries
  4. Oven chips
  5. Crinkle-cut chips
  6. Triple-cooked skin-on chips
  7. Dirty chips
  8. Those chips you sometimes get in pubs that are sort of wide and flat
  9. Chocolate chips
  10. CHiPs

DEPLOY!

User avatar Episode 9: Cake & Cricket

Kev and Ian are once again joined by Chris for another exciting instalment where they discus:

  • Gatu
  • Gateau
  • Cake
  • Cake vs Gateau
  • Sport

 

 

User avatar 2005 calling

It’s now thirteen years since I first had a phone with a camera built into it and decided that I wanted all my phone contacts to be associated with photos of that person on the phone, so when my phone rang it looked like I could see them on the phone.

Since I didn’t get pictures of anyone hanging up, I can only assume these sad, lonely ghosts of 2005 are still on the line, listening to an engaged signal, patiently waiting to talk to me.

I will not answer you, ghosts of the past. Stop calling me.

User avatar What Kevin does

So, what have we learned this week? Or it may be longer than a week. We have learned that Kevin never finished school and must be unemployed. How does he afford such a lavish lifestyle? How can he pay for an extravagant house, life and all those inhaler cups? Where does the money come from?

Thankfully, with the help of our army of scientists, we have managed to work out the answers to these questions. I was going to invent an invention (and it would have been a GOOD invention) however this was not required.

In order for Kevin to keep up appearances he follows this very strict, very organised regime:

8:00am – has breakfast, takes a couple of handy puffs from his inhaler cup, says goodbye to his wife and puts the Changlet in his car.

8:20am – drops the Changlet at nursery, where he can learn about cows, bees and other helpful things.

8:55am – waits until Sarah has left for work then sneaks back into his mansion.

9:10am – takes out his massive sack of rocks, found on the beach, and starts drawing faces on them.

10:10am – stops for a tea break to refill his levels. Drawing hilarious faces really takes it out of you.

11:00am – adds googly eyes and pipe cleaners for limbs to his Kev Rocks. Stops for a moment to take in just how much he has achieved in a few hours.

11:15am – unwraps huge hidden quantities of milk, eggs, plain flour, vegetable oil, sugar, salt, baking powder and vanilla extract.

11:30am – bakes the world’s largest waffle in his humongous back garden.

12:00pm – loads his Kev Rocks into his boot and straps the waffle to the top of his car.

12:30pm – drives to the Corn Exchange to set up shop.

1:00pm – sells chunks of his gigantic waffle to hapless tourists for five quid per bite. If you’re looking for a Kev Rock it’s upwards of eight pounds depending on the size of rock.

4:00pm – gathers all his money up and laughs manically.

4:05pm – throws the last of the waffle at dirty pigeons or, providing there’s enough, sells it to a homeless person as a tasty, makeshift mattress.

5:00pm – picks the Changlet up from nursery, dusting the shards of waffle off his hands.

5:30pm – drives home as though he’s been at a real job all day. Puts the child down and he’s straight back to the inhaler cup.

There’s not a lot to say after reading all that other than, well, maybe I should chuck my job in and do the same thing? Maybe I could take it a step further and build houses out of waffles.

Waffle house.

That is all.

User avatar Not Very Good – Food

Now then, let us all consider for a moment the best place to leave your chorizo.

Should you leave it in the fridge to preserve the flavours? Should you leave in the cupboard, in a cool, dry place? Or, and I know this seems a bit unorthodox for some people, how about outside your house, near the kerb?

As a human being, or the closest equivalent that likes stretchy trousers, I do enjoy my food. I want it tasty and I want it now. I also want it to be free from disease, infection and cat’s piss. I can imagine that the artisan who decided to leave the chorizo outside may not have realised this at the time. Yes, you may create a unique combination of flavours but if this is at the expense of the health of the people eating the food then you may want to reconsider.

We could look at this from another angle. Perhaps this isn’t edible chorizo. Perhaps this is a tiny chorizo car and the owner has parked it carefully on the side of the road. If that’s correct then the person is doing cars right and it has nothing to do with food.

I am of the opinion that it is food and it is wrong otherwise this article wouldn’t make any sense (?) I do not want your road meat. I do not want to indulge in your pretentious kerb-surfing, asphalt-touching tubes of protein. Please keep your bizarre attempts at food presentation in your houses where you can eat off the floor as much as you like.

I’m off for a burger.

Next time… Animals!

User avatar A smidge of Smidge

It’s been a few years, but Smidge Manly hasn’t been wasting his time. No, since he finished answering all your questions about railways, he’s been turning his attention to the wider world, and very soon he’ll be ready to explain some of its greatest mysteries to you, his adoring public.

His new series, Smidge on Science, is in post-production right now. In it, he’ll be exploring the four key subjects in the world of science: wind, rain, time and cars.

To whet your appetite, and to remind you again of Smidge’s keen journalistic insight and forensic questioning style, here’s an informative and valuable interview he conducted that didn’t make it into the finished series.

User avatar Episode 8: Do Bears Come in Tins?

In an exciting format twist Ian and Kev are joined this time out by Chris meaning that, for the first time, everyone who actually listens to the podcast was there when it was recorded. They all had a jolly good time discussing:

  • Even keels
  • Inner smiles and secret smiles
  • The merits of tinned fruit
  • Hooting eyes

 

 

User avatar Shoe FM

“… the time is coming up to 12:17 right here on Shoe FM, churning out the best in shoe and shoe-related music all day, every day.

As ever I am your host through the toast, Jazz Bungleton, ready and willing to satisfy your need for tweed. We can take it nice and slow or go hell for leather; whatever the occasion.

Once the mid-mid-morning news is out of the way I will be playing the pink-tastic ‘I Only Have Eyes for Shoe’ by the fantabulous Flamingoes swiftly followed by ‘Shoe to Me are Everything’ by the Real Thing, one of those toe-tappers you cannot help but get off your feet and dance to; I know I will be. Then it’ll be a triple whammy of ‘Only Shoe’ by the Platters, ‘Only Shoe’ by Sting and ending with the lovely ‘Only Shoe’ by Yazoo.

If there is a better playlist out there I would like to see it myself because I do not believe it exists.

Later on today we will also be playing our wonderful game ‘Shoe Do You Think You Are?’ where listeners are invited to call in with a chance to win a year’s supply of shoe polish courtesy of our brilliant sponsors Kiwi, the world’s number one classic shoe polish.

Sandra Qwango is prepped and ready to force a large chunk of news-ical information down your ears in about one minute and fifty six seconds time once I have rubbed you down with a healthy dose of ‘From Me to Shoe’ by our Liverpudlian laughter hounds, The Beatles.

You are most welcome!”