User avatar Smidge-tastic Advert Break – MK 2

I feel as though I may be out of the loop again.

There I was, walking around the streets of Carlisle in the rain like Sadsack from ‘Raggydolls’, when I came across this advertisement in the window of a pharmacy:


We are all aware of the Finnish authentic / fake advert for Coco Loco posted last year, which illegally used Smidge Manly’s likeness to sell coconut oil, yet this is news to me.

Not only does the image look nothing like him but the paparrazi seem to have caught Smidge on a particularly bad day. It is the kind of picture you would see being pushed through the newspaper tabloids under some abusive headline like, “Smidge Piles on the Pounds on the beach,” or, “Sensational Smidge Photos will shock your senses!”

I would suggest some sort of lawsuit immediately because this level of misunderstanding at worst and sensationalism at best should not be tolerated. I am calling my solicitor, Mr James Titan, once I have finished writing this.

User avatar Election Update 2017

Generally speaking the nation’s major news outlets are a few steps behind the Beans, so you may not yet have heard that a surprising general election has been called. What does this mean for you? Nobody knows. But it’s OK, because I’m here to answer all the big questions you’ll be worrying about.

What is an election?

It is a compound of argon, nitrogen and traces of a number of other elements that is a gas at room temperature and has no known freezing point. In large quantities it has a yellowish colour and smells of wet dog.

Am I eligible to vote?

Yes. I have checked the electoral register. You’re fine.

Who’s standing?

Nominations are still open and the full list of candidates has not yet been compiled. However, if you – like me – live here in Beans Towers then the following people have already announced their candidacy in the constituency of South Beans:

  • Saint King (promising low taxation, improved employment rights and free jewels for everyone)
  • EEFY McJEEFY (in favour of the EU because it, like him, is spelled with capital letters)
  • Mr Cockall (favours a small state, deregulation, and “the nothingness of the howling void at the core of man’s psyche”)
  • Sexatronic (believes in protecting health and social care services; would make it free to have your name changed by deed poll)

If you have any further questions then feel free to post them here so that the Beans Massive can enlighten us all.

User avatar The Kipper Experience

You will all be sad to know that my washing-machine repair days are finally behind me. Even though it was only a career that lasted a couple of years, I feel as though I have given all I can give. Anyone who is still on the waiting list, I will do my best to see to your fallen machines however you may choose to seek another professional’s due care and attention if the fault demands immediate attention.

A wise man once told me, “Life is for living,” and boy was he right. Sometimes you have to take a leap into the unknown in order to find the right thing for you. In a way I have always known what I wanted to do and it is only now that I have managed to sort myself out. What my life needed was kippers.

Kippers are the only food you can have for any meal. They’re small, oily and very popular around the world. What I mean by a ‘Kipper Experience’ is one whereby you live like a kipper. You are one with the kipper. There are so many things that you can learn by becoming a kipper that most people are completely unaware of. Yes, it does demand a lot of your time. You can sign up for one of the weekend retreats to begin with, just in case you are a little uncertain as to whether this is the right thing for you, but once you’ve gotten past this hurdle I would thoroughly recommend the week and month long excursions available.

Very soon I will be taking off to the Isle of Man. I have just returned from a week in the village of Craster in Northumberland, living the kipper dream. I met a large array of different kippers, all of whom welcomed me as one of their own. I can only hope that when you choose a ‘Kipper Experience’ it will be as wonderful as my own.

User avatar Not What You Think

Look at this:


What you’re looking at is a blackboard located at my local IKEA which I recently visited. Now I am mostly an open-minded person but I am quite averse to worshiping characters of any kind, whether religious, fictional, good or evil, when I am browsing home furnishings.

I can only imagine the kind of chaos that would ensue if someone got down on their knees and started to worship a fallen angel near the sofa department. That I do not want. If I am going to spend two hours of my life on a Saturday afternoon slowly walking around the various sections of IKEA I would rather try to avoid a small group of people clustered around a statue or photo, with fire in their eyes, bowing up and down.

Luckily for me, they were done by the time I passed.

Do yourself a favour; steer clear of furniture-loving Satanists.

User avatar Beans Flashback

There have been no posts to the Beans since the start of April, and it’s the 20th now. What does that tell us? Well, clearly, it indicates that there is nothing of any interest happening this month.

Instead, let us take this opportunity to look back at early 2007 and ask ourselves what was happening on this day in Beans History.

It was in April 2007 that Chris Industries International Ltd. was sold to Richard Branson and became Virgin Petcare. There was controversy over the choice of kestrel as word of the week. And the Saint King thrust himself upon a world that did not yet know his taste for underhanded deceit.

But April 2007 was rather a quiet month on the Beans, and that was because we were all still reeling from the release of a video that I thought I’d lost completely. It turns out I do still have one shoddy, over-compressed version that I am going to post here. Ladies and gentlemen, celebrating its tenth anniversary, I present Seeing Not Doing.

User avatar A fine view

We all know how wonderful it is to lay one’s eyes on a beautiful prospect. It can be a true balm for the soul. (Those of us with five or more pairs of eyes presumably get even more from the experience.)

As an avid looker at lovely things of every description, you can imagine my excitement when I came across this sign, promising riches beyond imagining.

The finest view in England, 450m

I was, of course, hoping for something truly breathtaking, like a city of dazzling bejewelled exotic domes and turrets glittering in the desert sun, or my own face hewn from solid rock in a rugged depiction occupying the whole side of a mountain. What I actually got, 450 metres later, was some countryside with some trees and that.

To say I was disappointed would barely hint at the extent to which this grand promise went unfulfilled. But I’m determined nobody else should suffer the same fate, so I am having the field boundaries adjusted across the whole of the parish so that, in future, others gazing upon the allegedly fine view see my face depicted therein, and they will know that they really have seen the finest view England has to offer.

You’re welcome.

User avatar What is a Pound Minute?

We may have invented wireless communications, put sailors on the moon and shortened the English language to within an inch of its life, but what is a Pound Minute?

The Pound Minute is a way of working out whether doing something is actually worth your while. It measures the cost received for the action being carried out and confirms whether you should or should not do it. The Pound Minute has been alive for several decades but is only now receiving the attention it so rightly deserves.

Say, for instance, you were asked to paint your friend’s fence. They provide you with the paint and overalls, and maybe even lunch if you play your cards right. The fence will take approximately three hours to paint, both front and back, and you have to apply at least two coats of paint for it to be considered a worthwhile job. Your friend will pay you £10.00 per hour of painting that you do.

If you choose to carry out the smallest amount of the painting required, which is six hours, you will earn £60.00. This equates to six Pound Minutes. This is a good use of your time but will make your friend think twice about asking for your services again.

If you choose to carry out the right amount of painting required, which is nine hours, you will earn £90.00. This equates to nine Pound Minutes. This is a bad use of your time, but it will make your friend think of you in a new light because you are going the extra mile to ensure that fence is gleaming like grandma’s keys.

Those of an indecisive nature can also utilise the ‘Wheel of Thrusting (TM)’. Future versions may be able to calculate Pound Minutes on your behalf.

User avatar The Face Update – All of my Eyes

Due to the relentless, phenomenal demand, not seen on this scale since the Papples last arena tour, I have decided to provide a face update so that everyone can finally see exactly how many pairs of eyes I have.

Your average human being will be quite satisfied with one pair, consisting of exactly two eyes. That, I am afraid, was not good enough for me. Settling for only two would be a joke as far as I am concerned so the boys in the lab took time out of their busy lunch breaks to knock up some spares which I have secreted about my person and only now reveal for your viewing pleasure (dad joke, strike the bell):


  1. Original Eyes – the ones that I was blessed with upon my birth.
  2. Viewing Eyes – the ones used to viewing things up close.
  3. Peering Eyes – the ones used for peering at items from a distance.
  4. Seeing Eyes – the ones where you really want to see more than normal.
  5. Glimpsing Eyes – for when you don’t have time to take a good, firm look.
  6. Spotting Eyes – a back up for when my peering eyes aren’t working.
  7. Looking Eyes – for when you do have time to take a good, firm look.

It does require an awful lot of upper body strength to carry this many pairs of eyes with me at all times, yet I feel as though it is the best move. However you use your eyes no doubt there will come a time when you need an extra pair, and I always have at least seven spare pairs (bears) on me.

I am also very excited when the Perception Eyes (June 2017) and Notice Eyes (November 2017) will be available.