Avatar Spooky Hallowe’en Post

You open your web browser and make your way to the Beans as the rain pours down. As you turn the handle on the great oak door leading in to the website, lightning crackles in the distance. Inside, instead of being orange coloured, it’s dark and scary.

You fumble with the light switch but the lights aren’t working. Maybe the power’s out. But wait – what’s that? There’s a scrabbling noise from over near the Bean Counter. Something is moving in the shadows.

You go over to investigate and begin making your way unsteadily down the dark stone staircase towards the Old Beans. The sound is louder here. The hairs on the back of your neck stand on end and a shiver runs down your spine.

Suddenly you’re dazzled by a bright light as an unfamiliar figure lurches at you from the other end of the great cellar. You gasp and recoil, falling backwards onto the slippery stonework. You shield your eyes from the light as the creature comes towards you, cackling horribly. It’s the Ghost of Beans Past. A disembodied Locker 29 is clutched under its arm, and it’s holding a range of overpriced designer pebbles. You think it might be wearing a Virgin Petcare name badge.

“All subsidising and no subsidising makes Ian a dull boy!” it screams at you through its slobbering, mis-shapen jaw.

As it looms above you, ready to sink its horrible teeth into you and consign you to an eternity of irrelevance as a forgotten comment in the Beans Archive, your browser pops up a window telling you that this monster has an unsigned security certificate.

You click “do not accept” and are redirected to the Google Homepage.

Avatar Ffffifth

Back in spring of this year, the music press were full of excitable rumours about a new supergroup being formed by The Papples and elusive pop star Kevil, with Nizzle said to be on board to produce their debut EP.

Naturally, we all assumed that nothing those three renowned artists did could fail to succeed, but their project remains firmly under wraps and no release date has been scheduled. Perhaps we’ll never know what they came up with.

What has come to light, though, is this interview, in which band members K-Zone and Chef Shizzle reveal some of the details of this ill-fated endeavour.

Avatar The Beans Baby Boutique

UPDATE: The Cow Illuminator has now sold out. Further stock is expected within the following month but keep an eye on our updates and more information will be posted in due course.

Now, babies eh? They’re all over the place; literally. They are literally all over the place because there’s so many of them. They don’t know what they’re doing, so they expect YOU to be able to work it out for them. Most people think babies are just plain lazy and there is some truth to that statement. Still, you can’t expect them to know great fashion when they see it. That’s why they come to you and that’s why you come to us.

Here on the Beans Shopping Network we have a very limited run of exclusive baby items from the new ‘Kevindo Menendez’ baby line. The Menendez name has been bandied about quite a lot over the last twelve months. In fact, you can barely walk along the high street without seeing his face on a magazine or his viso/volto build into an impressive horticultural montage. Kevindo is such a recluse that many have questioned his very existence. We here at the Beans Shopping Network are therefore here to prove that he is very much a real person by offering you the chance to purchase some magnificent infant merchandise created using his inspirational drawings.

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Not only do we have babygrows but we also have blankets and bags with those classic Menendez illustrations you instantly think of when someone mentions his name.  You can be the envy of all your friends and enemies when you start flashing around these sweet babies. What is Shoshana in accounting going to think when she sees you swinging your brand new Penguin (TM) tote bag? How will Mitch, who walks your dog on a Wednesday, contain himself when he catches a glimpse of tiny babygrows adorned with the Crab (TM) visage? I’m not going to put words in your mouth but I can imagine that they will be cacking something into their newly washed undergarments.

These are in such small supply that there’s a very good chance that before you’ve finished reading this article that we will have sold out. So don’t delay, pick up that phone and order fourteen as soon as you can.

Next, would you like an extra three arms? With Chanton Blemishes’ new invention, there’s a slim chance you may…

Avatar An introduction to marking

Today I learned how to mark children’s schoolbooks. This is an important skill, so for your benefit, here are the basics I picked up.

  1. Use a red pen. Marking is red. Green highlighters highlight some bits of red pen writing. You will be told which bits.
  2. Tick everything.
  3. If everything was right, put on a sticker that says “brilliant”.
  4. If it was mostly right, put on a sticker that says “good”.
  5. If the kid is clearly a bit dim use a sticker that says “target” and tells them to buck their ideas up.
  6. If you’ve run out of “good” stickers, cut the word “brilliant” off a “brilliant” sticker with scissors and that will probably do.
  7. Don’t mess up the piles. The piles were sorted by someone who knows more about it than you do and are not to be disturbed.

Good luck with your marking. Feel free to practice by marking this post in the comments below.

Avatar Uppy – The Aerodynamic Dog

Hey YOU! Yes, YOU! Look at all that money just hiding in your wallet and / or purse. It’s wasting away there. What you’re looking for is a unique investment opportunity and that’s exactly what we’ve got for YOU right here on the Beans Shopping Network.

Dogs eh? Wonderful animals. Darling little creatures but gosh darn it don’t they get under your feet and in your way so much. How many times have you accidentally stood on a dachsund’s paw? How many times have you kneed a bulldog in the face because you didn’t know it was there? What you need then is Uppy the Aerodynamic Dog.

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Uppy is quintessentially the most amazing product you will see for the rest of the year. Our top scientists have engineered a series of dogs that have the ability to float in the air. This allows them to occupy the space you don’t need and will never occupy, making scenes involving your foot and their body a thing of the past.

There are so many benefits for both you and your Uppy dog. No longer will you trip over them whilst making spaghetti bolognaise; gently push Uppy out of the way and he will float away unharmed. No more will they tear your sofa and shoes to pieces; Uppy dogs have no concerns for matters on the floor, they’ve got things to do in the air. Do your kids have an irrational fear of birds? Not anymore they don’t, not once Uppy unleashes some chunky justice on their sorry feathery asses.

Each Uppy will come with their own stylish set of treats, beats and designer meats. Everything you need to get Uppy up and running will be included in the pack.

What are you waiting for? Invest now and receive a free Uppy napkin and empty milk bottle set.

Next Christmas every child will want an Uppy. Get in while you can. Guaranteed returns of some pounds.

Next on the Beans Shopping Network, a lovely way to illuminate cows…