User avatarA Cry For Help

Hi, my name is (deleted for legal reasons) and I have a problem. My problem is that I am drawn towards fake doctors, some of which I create in my own mind and some of which are presented to me in my daily life.

I suppose it all started a couple of years ago. I was on a friend’s stag do and go violently sick for no particular reason and had to abandon everyone at the restaurant we were dining in. My food was wrapped up for me and I retired to the hotel room feeling very unwell. The next day the only thing that made me remotely better was Dr. Burger, a delectable cut of meat wrapped in salad and soft white bread. She looked after me as I recuperated, watched over me in my time of need and when we had to part I felt a great sadness.

A year or two passed and despite a brief fling with Dr. Pepper nothing seemed to emerge. That is until I met Dr. Pepper’s sexy sister, Dr. Fizz. Whereas the former was very sweet and accommodating, the latter was dark and adulterous. She was all over me. I just couldn’t get enough of her and, every weekend, I would hide away with her and refuse to come out until we were done. I’m trying to distance myself yet no matter what I do I seem to end up with her.

So here I am, a wobbly mess, unable to cope without my hit of Dr. Fizz. Sometimes I find myself wandering the 24hr supermarkets at 2 in the morning sniffing around Dr. Oetker. Sometimes I’m found crying into Dr. Beckmann and his Glowhite Sheets. Dr. Karg and his organic cheese and pumpkin seed crisp bread offer me no salvation. Dr. Fresh and Dr. Salts stand at the back and point and laugh at my plight.

I need to know if there’s an end to this all because if there isn’t, one day you’ll break open into my flat and find me buried under a large mound of┬áDr. Brown’s wide neck silicone teats… and then it’ll be too late…

10 comments to A Cry For Help

  • Since posting links to videos seems to be de rigeur, I think I know a man who can help:
    https://vimeo.com/7725561

  • Kevil

    He he, teats.

  • I for one would like to know when, exactly, Ian has EVER bought “organic cheese and pumpkin seen crisp bread”.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Who says it was me? The name has been deleted. Why, that could be any number of people…

  • Kevil

    Your right it could, but for the fact that we know you and we were there for the inventions of Dr. Burger and Dr. Fizz. You big sham.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I’ll admit that there’s a lot of details that perfectly mirror my life, and events that have happened in my life, and it seems the exact description of elements of my life… but there’s still a slim chance it could be someone else.

  • It was also posted by you.

    This case does not require the skills of Columbo.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I printed it on behalf of an interested party. I found the aforementioned document in question and decided to put it on the website. Columbo can put his magnifying glass back in his pants because the only mystery here is why you’re giving me all this grief.

  • Columbo has stopped putting his magnifying glass in his pants. It gets steamed up which means he has to wipe it on his sleeve before he uses it to look for clues, and he says he doesn’t have that sort of time to spare in a modern murder investigation.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    So… so what you’re saying is that it doesn’t lift his skirt anymore?

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