Posts filed under 'Loins'
So far so good.
Five letters sent and four returned, with only Kraft left to reply to my sexual confrontation about Terry’s Chocolate Orange. I think it’s best to refer to it as a “sexual confrontation” rather than a letter because I did go a little over the top. Anyway, currently the league table is as follows:
- McVities
- Burton’s Foods
- Nestle
- Proctor & Gamble
- ?????
Technically the letter to P & G wasn’t garnering any proper interest so I do feel bad leaving them at the back end of the table however the fact that all four took the time to respond to my deluded ramblings is brilliant. I salute all the customer service advisors and departments who were forced to look at and read my filth. Can Kraft come forward and knock McVities off the top spot? Who will be the next company to be chosen? Will anyone reply telling me to stop wasting their time?
If only anyone other than me was reading this it might be a little bit thrilling!
June 30th, 2011
Dear Mr McIver
Thank you for your letter regarding Burton’s Jammie Dodgers, we are delighted to hear how much you enjoy this product.
We are always grateful for consumers taking the time and trouble to write and your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate department.
As a gesture of goodwill, we enclose complimentary vouchers (2 x £1.00) which you may like to use towards future purchases of Jammie Dodgers.
Yours sincerely
Burton’s Foods
June 29th, 2011
Dear Mr McIver
Thank you for contacting us and the complimentary remarks you made concerning our Go Ahead range of products.
We are always interested to hear our customers’ comments and appreciate you taking the time and trouble to contact us.
Please find enclosed a small token of our appreciation (£1.00 off biscuits, mint) and we hope you enjoy your next purchase of delicious McVitie’s biscuits.
So far McVities have been easily the nicest and most generous. They have set the bar pretty high; can anyone hope to achieve this level of greatness? We shall see.
June 19th, 2011
By Oily Buns aka Oliver Bunsford
I suppose it was only a matter of time before my knowledge and expertise in this field was required by the rest of the world. It is not the kind of thing you can keep to yourself, especially when you know it will help so many others. So yes, I’m throwing the gauntlet down and showing my shiny parts. I am giving up my valuable time to point you in the right direction. I’ve also lost quite a lot of business since “real” and “funny” comedians started appearing again, and those articles about the train sodomy didn’t help.
How many people have wives? Exactly. Tons. How many people know what to do with wives? Exactly. Tons. Some however don’t have the faintest idea of what to do once the veil is up. They get a frightened look on their face and soil themselves in the reception room. Luckily I’ve been practising polygomy for the best part of two decades; for no particular reason, I get a bit fussy sometimes, I like a bit of change. Being on the road so much you pick things up here and there, mainly there, and there as well.
You can break wives into five main groups: annoying, naggy, pointy, nymph and polar bear. I seem to favour the last two, no idea why. We will run through all of them at some point.
I only hope that with my help you can achieve the same level of bliss that I, my eleven wives, and twenty-seven children have.
May 24th, 2011
Reports are flooding in from the North-East of England of a man going around the area and offering his services for what are mostly services and jobs which are way too difficult.
The first report came from members of the public at the Theatre Royal in Newcastle upon Tyne, which is currently being modernised and updated. “I was stood taking pictures of Greys Monument when I noticed that there was a man climbing up the scaffolding at the side of the Theatre Royal,” said Keith Arborium, local photographer and all round nosey parker, “He eventually got to the top, strode over to the foreman and said, “Leave it to me, I’ve got this!” Quite what he thought he was able to do nobody could be sure. He picked up some pipes, struggled to know what to do with them, gently dropped them on the floor and raced off down the hill.”
It didn’t stop there.
“It was in the afternoon and we were quite busy for a Thursday when this guy just pushed his way in front of me, grabbed the scissors and said, “Leave it to me, I’ve got this,” wailed Mavis Davis, hairdresser to the stars, “He then proceeded to attempt to cut this poor woman’s hair only to cut most of the length, stared into the mirror at the disastrous results, smiled like a simpleton before running away down the hill.”
Police are baffled as to why this man would be putting himself into these situations when he clearly does not have the mad skills or expertise to carry them off. Concerns were raised as to the safety of the general public however since the initial reports arrived the man has disappeared. We would urge anyone though who knows the whereabouts of LITMIGT to come forward and expose this idiot for the moron he is.
May 19th, 2011
Nestle were kind enough to respond to my mutterings about Shreddies:
Dear Mr McIver,
Thank you for your letter regarding Nestle Shreddies breakfast cereal.
I am pleased to learn how much you are enjoying this product and it was good of you to take the time to contact us.
As the manufacturer of many popular breakfast cereal products, we are aware of the need to ensure high standards are met and comments from our customers are a vital aid to maintain these standards.
Consumer feedback is important to us and I will ensure that your comments are forwarded onto our Marketing Team for their reference. Please accept the enclosed vouchers (three £1.00 off my next purchase vouchers!), with my compliments, and I hope this cereal will be as popular with you in the future as it is at present.
If you would like one of my vouchers please say so. It’s kind of fitting that there’s three of us and three vouchers. Easy maths, one might say.
April 19th, 2011
For some reason it won’t let me upload a copy of the letter I received from Procter & Gamble. So here’s the written version:
Dear Mr. McIver
Thank you Ian for your letter.
It’s great to know that you enjoy using our product and I’ve passed your kind comments to the departments concerned.
I would also like to say thank you for the lovely poem you wrote for us.
The Fairy liquid doesn’t have a gender but we can say that the Baby icon for Fairy is a Boy and he is called Bizzie.
We can confirm that there is no long term side effect to your hand fromusing Fairy.
Thank you again for getting in touch.
Yours Sincerely
Consumer Relations Department
I consider that a net gain all round. Would anyone like to suggest another company to write to, or would they like to submit their own contributions?
March 24th, 2011
Hooray! Hooray! It’s the start of March today!
After having bling-blinged my way through January (spent too much over Christmas, eating nothing but tinned ravioli and soup for lunch) and February (spent too much after not spending anything during January, eating nothing but tinned ravioli and soup for lunch) it’s nice to settle in a month that only contains one birthday, as far as I am aware, and nothing much else. Not that I will be needlessly throwing my money hither and thither; it just means there’ll be a little less worrying and a little more shaking my loins with joy.
Another point I should make. At first I thought it would be a good idea to change the name of the month March to March-tober but then that would be carrying on the spectacle of dark mornings and chilly trips at lunchtime so that’d be a big nay nonny no nay on the No Scale. Something else that also topped the No Scale with a spectacular nay nonny was the rise in train fares and the band Frankie and the Heartstrings.
March 1st, 2011
This month Des’ree turns her attention to another lost and lusty soul. Who’s turn is it you ask? Or maybe you didn’t ask. Quite frankly if you didn’t then we don’t care for your sort.
Desmond Deptford of the Roving Panthers would like a little help with this semi-autobiographical quandry:
Desmond Deptford: Dear Des’ree, life in the Roving Panthers is one full of excitement and wonder. A few days ago I discovered that the capital of Belgium is Belgium. You can imagine how long we laughed about that. Recently though the afternoons have become a little timid. We party all night and then sulk around in the mornings but just after lunchtime things go a little too niche for my liking. I’ve taken to eating Yumyums and watching Loose Women. Does this mean that I am approaching middle age because I quite enjoy the mix of topical female banter with twisted sugary pastries.
Des’ree: Life, oh life, oh life, oh life.
We are glad we could help Mr Deptford.
If you need your personal life pushing into other people’s lives then please contact us on the details below.
P.S. The capital of Belgium is Berlusconi, everyone knows that.
February 17th, 2011
There was crisis across the country last night and this morning as it was discovered that the CHAPS process, that’s Clearing House Automated Payment System to you, me and Mrs MaGinty, broke down after an undisclosed billionaire tried to transfer all of his fortune into a Halifax Instant Savers account.
The account, which does not allow more than £3,000.00 overall, was flattened, squished and destroyed as an army of coins and notes chose to enter into open conflict. This occured at 4.45pm GMT yesterday afternoon. Immediately the problem spread to the rest of the banking system as phone operators at emergency services were inundated by call after call from nervous tellers and staff warning that all the money was spilling into the street. To make matters worse, in what can only be described as utterly bizarre, not only did the CHAPS collapse but the chaps collapsed.
Reports are coming in from various Southern states of the US that cowboys were dropping their trousers at an alarming rate shortly after 5pm. It was only when Florence Feedbank, a beautiful scientist from Bath, put two and two together that everyone else in the world went, “ahhhh!” and went back to whatever they were doing.
At the time of press we believe the CHAPS and chaps are all back to normal.
February 10th, 2011
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