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Home Beans Shopping Network

In the sprint towards the festive season you may be wondering what to get people you know and quite possibly love. Buying things is very difficult and the choice on offer now is so colossal that it makes you want to shave cakes for fun. So, you need a helping hand to point you in the right direction. There’s no way you’ll get this level of service from anywhere else.

Let’s start with Uncle Johnny Wing-Wang. Uncle J is a hard cracker and doesn’t like anything other than football and food. He’s a bit of a fat bastard but nobody says anything, you know because it’s gone on for so long it’s silly to bring it up now; the time for that was 1987. What kind of a present is going to a) impress him and b) make his chubby face squish a smile out one end?

You need this… a loaf of crusts:


There are people who do like crusts, I can vouch for them. Imagine an entire loaf of bread with only crusts, gathered up from all the crust-hating fops out there in the world. Fresh and seething with resentment for not being eaten. The perfect gift for a couch-dwelling chunder-faced gremlin. Stick that up Uncle J and it’ll shower rainbows over his life for decades to come.

Available now for the small price of £8.99.

September 25th, 2011

T O D A Y # * &

Let’s have an update of today so far.

Today started very early, in fact it began at the beginning of today. Today around 12.00am I was stood in a club jigging about like a possessed pogo stick on a washing machine because it was the very last night of Stonelove in Digital. That doesn’t mean anything to anyone else but it was a little bit sad-inducing. Today continued a little further, involving more swaying and air-punching and drinking, until approximately 3:30am where I retired to the floor of a dark room and was stirred just after 7.00am this morning by a tiny man.

The tiny man was deposited at a public centre for tiny people. I received good news from the man who I often see on the bus, who having spoken for over a year at irregular intervals I still do not know his name, whereby he confirmed he had finally got a job after endless months of searching. His journey only lasted five minutes yet it was long enough to convey my hearty congratulations.

Just after 9.30am I believe I may have been misinformed by the connection between drinking a lot of water and a high metabolism by a member of staff in the coffee shop on the corner. Nonetheless I bought a dark swirling cup of juice and headed to work where a buffet for a member of staff leaving for another job greeted me. I resisted for the first hour and a half before tucking into a selection of mini sausages, mini sausage rolls, onion bhajis, slices of pizza and various cakes.

I ate so much I didn’t need a lunch, so I left the tins of food in my drawer and went for a walk doing a few chores along the way. I narrowly avoided the chuggers around Grey’s Monument (that’s a real word) and bought some bottles of water for my boss who isn’t feeling very well. I looked for a particular song on my i-pod however the random shuffling was against me; I was met with a plethora of catchy numbers as a compromise.

Currently I sit at my desk wearing shades to draw attention to myself. How about that?

September 23rd, 2011

Can Angst

Are you the kind of person who doesn’t like confrontation and does everything they can to avoid it? Do you think of people as annoying and then not tell them to their face when really you should be screaming it into their see holes? Do you want something to push you over the edge and into the realm of ‘ARGH’? Then I think we have the product for you.

Presenting Can Angst!

Can Angst contains ten years of pure anger gathered from frustrated artists, moody teenagers and other sullen demographics. If you want to shout at little Timmy for not putting his skateboard away then Can Angst can be there for you. Just slide open the top and sniff the wonders inside. The warm smells of rage will filter into your nostrils and turn you from Betty Blue into Batty Bastard. You will tear through your kitchen with all the subtleness of the Incredible Hulk looking for a crapper.

Top scientists recommend it.

Seriously.

Would we lie to you?

When everyone else has deserted you Can Angst will still be there with a sympathetic shoulder for your to rest your stressed and veiny head on. Bring on the first day of the rest of your life. Bring on… CAN ANGST!

May 25th, 2011

The Merry Blender

The merry blender doesn’t have a gender
It swirls and twirls and slices
All the things you throw in and a couple of spins
Later, a smoothie! Oh holy devices!

It never looks down, never appears unsound,
It’s always of sound body and mind.
If I could give it a name it’d be Churny Dufraine
Or something equally glamarous and kind.

A sturdy companion of sorts, like a dog or a horse,
It’ll take any challenge you throw.
But nothing too big, like a pineapple. Try a fig
As otherwise the fuses will blow.

March 10th, 2011

Dappy Crew Jeer

So…

I was hoping to make the first post of the year a ceremoniously amazing photo of us all as Lego men but due to the fact that Audrey appears to have left the camera in a bag and thrown it into her wardrobe we don’t know where the chuffer is. I managed to take a shufftie shufftie one on my phone but alas despite messing around for half an hour I am still in the dark about how to turn on the Bluetooth on the strange netbook effort.

So…

What this merely demonstrates is my inability to plan ahead and to use devices of a technical nature. My language however is somewhat still at the same basic level as a chimpanzee; go me.

So…

Here’s to the year of twenty lemons!

January 4th, 2011

Catching Up With Toni Basil

Today I have been spending a lot of my time catching up with US singer-songwriter, actor, filmmaker and director not to mention choreographer Toni Basil.

I have to admit that I was quite naive when it came to the career of Toni Basil. I was not aware that she released her first single as far back as 1966. I was not aware that her debut album had three songs written by Devo on it. I was also not aware that she starred in the films ‘Easy Rider’ and ‘Five Easy Pieces’ and that she was the one who choreographed and directed the Talking Heads video ‘Once In A Lifetime’. The list just goes on and on!

Actually it doesn’t. It goes on for a little bit and stops. You can’t argue with the bubblegum teen fury of a song such as ‘Mickey’. It didn’t get voted No 6 on VH1’s 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80’s for nothing. It’s just a shame that the original version of the song was called ‘Kitty’ and she changed the words to coincide with the fact that she worked with Mickey Dolenz of the Monkeys during their sixties headf*ck of a film ‘Head’.

Pay particular interest to her 1983 song ‘Shoppin’ from A to Z’ which features a shopping list consisting of various grocery items, each beginning with a different letter of the alphabet. I am waterin’ at the mouth at the prospect of listening to this tonight.

Look at ME and be inspired.

6 comments July 5th, 2010

Brioche, Always an Afterthought

And on that day, nobody bought
The brioche, always an afterthought
The brioche, always an afterthought

9 comments June 22nd, 2010

The Official Line Of Power

Having produced, written, directed and undertaken a recent survey I am pleased to show you the conclusive results. Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the official line of power which proves out of all the powers that Nutrient Power is the strongest:

  #   A  *                         @    B                                      C
–!—|—!——————–!—–|——————————|——

A – Dragonforce Power                             # – People Power
B – Charm Power                                        * – Cornpop Power
C – Nutrient Power                                    @ – Wispa Power (unofficial)

(Kindly note that despite several months of testing we are still unsure as to where Sportsman Power belongs).

14 comments June 2nd, 2010

Catching Up With Yazz

Today I have been spending a lot of my time catching with 80’s singer, musician and apparently model Yazz.

We are all aware that Yazz is known best for her 1988 number one single ‘The Only Way Is Up’ but what followed the success of this breakthrough? Not at lot as it seems. Despite three other successful singles from the same album it would appear that the only way was down. The next releases were few and far between and the world appeared to forget about Yazz. Even a cover of ‘How Long’ with Aswad wasn’t enough to get the general public panting like puppies.

What does Yazz do now you ask? According to Wikipedia she has found faith, is an active member of the Calahonda Baptist Church and lives in Spain. It would appear that she is and has been married to husband Jazz Summers. Yazz and Jazz are rarely seen in public but it might be due to the fact that criminally nobody is looking for them.

I, personally, am gutted that the United Kingdom missed out on the French only release Yazz Megamix back in 1990 and that back in September 2009 when ‘The Only Way Is Up’ was re-released I didn’t know. I will leave you with this information. Go forth and spread some.

Look at ME and be inspired.

6 comments May 6th, 2010

Fraudulent Cake

It has recently come to my attention that a lot of people like muffins.

Now I’m quite open-minded about a lot of things but let’s face it people, a muffin is a cake. You can’t take one thing and just give it another name because it sounds swanky. I’m bored with the tired argument of ‘Is a Jaffa cake a biscuit or a cake?’ because it is taking the attention away from the ones who need sorting out. Muffins are first on the list. Unless anyone would like to speak in favour of muffins I vote that we stamp them out as quickly as possible and replace them with the name Breakfast Cakes. Who’s with me?

7 comments April 29th, 2010

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