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Having been given a harmonica for Christmas by one A Jermyn (but for this post I shall merely refer to her as Audrey J) I have quickly surfaced with a slightly sad tune for those late nights and early morning when the sun can’t rise swiftly enough. It has poetic meaning that stretches further than any mere pop song can. In all honesty it’s the best thing to every emerge. Ever. Let’s see how the world takes to the verbosity:
Squishy Milk
Squishy milk, squishy milk
1 1 -1 1 1 -1
Meant to last, squished by fate
2 2 -2 2 2 -2
Nothing left, nothing left
1 1 -2 1 1 -2
But squishy milk, squishy milk
2 2 -2 1 1 1 1
I feel as though by adding further words it would destroy the essence of what is there. It is as Quaff would say, “intrinsically bereft of any doubt or shame.” How that man can be so succint is beyond me.
December 28th, 2009
So, you want to learn how to eat beets? Eating beets is not an easy thing. You can’t just pick them up and start mowing away like a man with a lawn. There is a subtle art and delicate nature to the eating of the beets and we are happily here to show you how.
Let’s start from the beginning. Fundamentally there are three ways to eat beets. The most common is the wrong way. The less most common is the right way. The one that flits about in the middle is the more less common but less more common than the other two way. For today’s seminar, if you can call it a seminar, we will focus on the less most common method, for it is the least known of the three.
What is a beet? Where do they come from? How do they arrive? We don’t have time for all the facts so we’ll say this: they do arrive safely and unharmed during the night. Are beets held hostage? Of course not. That would be silly.
Moving on now, the history of the beet is brief. They arrived in 1997 after too many people complained that the carrot was becoming too popular. Some believe it was multi-millionaire Frans Buldishot who bred a turnip with a bottle of purple colour dye to come up with the beet, which has since been confirmed as true. Beets are popular in most countries, including Guatamala.
So without further a do we can kindly guide you into the eating of beets. You want to know and we want to tell you. This is why these things work so well. It’s simple; the best way to eat beets is to not at all because they taste like sh*t.
December 10th, 2009
(Look At Him Spaz) He’s A Zombie Spaz – David Bowie
It has been suggested that towards the end of the eighties David Bowie struggled to keep up with the rest of the musical world. After suffering bad sales as a result of The Smiths stealing all the teenagers and students, the Pixies scooping up the twenty and thirtysomethings and Daniel O’Donnell continuing his assault on the over fifties, David was left wondering what to do next. It was only a matter of time though before some magical happened.
The legend goes that David and David Byrne from Talking Heads were sat having a coffee in a New York deli. David (Bryne) felt a little too warm and so decided t o take his over-sized red jumper off. Unfortunately though he was having trouble getting it over his noggin and thus a struggle ensued. As David (Byrne) wiggled and shook like sex on fire David (Bowie) pointed at the chaos and shouted, “Look at him spaz! He’s a blondie spaz!” Byrne at this point going through his blonde hair / pinstripe suit / green socks phase.
Knowing that there was a song lying dormant in there waiting to be left out David (Bowie) left David (Byrne) and ran to his recording studio down the road, hidden by a giant owl. Byrne suffered massive head trauma and didn’t get out of the jumper for the next seven years.
Bowie harnessed the spirit of the eighties: Synths! Changing the lyrics ever so slightly to also coincide with the 132nd anniversary of Halloween the single ‘(Look At Him Spaz) He’s A Zombie Spaz’ was released on 17th October to a fanfare of praise and adoration from not only his dedicated fans but from the hardcore journalista massive. It remained at number one for three weeks and funded at least twelve of his holidays the following year.
The song has been cast aside; given how popular Bowie was in the seventies it rarely gets any radio airplay and is his least favourite of all, even favouring that awful duet with Mick Jagger over it. With such insightful lyrics such as, “Watch him go, he’s ready to flow, he’ll knock you down with a whip of his gown,” and, “Jigging along like this catchy song, you know you been beat when you come up and meet…”.
One day ‘Zombie Spaz’ will be popular again. For now it remains a guilty pleasure and a hidden gem.
November 12th, 2009
As it happens, and with December looming out of the woodwork, I really need to get my arse in gear with the Christmas Gangster Rap album. I’ve got some rhymes down here and there but at the moment it’s a page with some song titles dotted across:
Possible Song Titles
Pimp That Tree
Check Tha Cold / Check Tha Snow
Cold Piece of Coal, Peace To Tha Soul
Meal for Three: You, Her and Me
Brave Tha Sales
Shopping Like a Mother F*cker
Crackers and B*tches
Cook That Bird!
No Christmas for Me (I W*nked in my Stocking) – instrumental
It’s really, really, really hard being an inspirational music writer / producer / maestro you know.
October 13th, 2009
Right ladies and gentlemen here we have a lovely piece of meat. There is no two ways about it this is a fine specimen of pork. It came from one of Prince Underhand-Overwood’s very own swines which, as you are all aware, are widely regarded as the world’s best pigs.
Hand-reared, Sussex-bred, swill-fed and R’n’B-raised Snorkers as he came to be known loved John Lee Hooker, early Who singles and most Northern Soul. Rarely was he seen without his trademark sunglasses and picturesque ironic porkpie hat.
Who will start the bidding at ten pounds?
September 30th, 2009
Could do with some help here. I know what BEEF is, that’s no problem. It’s delicious.
But I can’t work out what BEEF stands for. Do you know?
August 6th, 2009
Woo, guess who’s back…. Thats right, WE ARE!
Continue Reading June 12th, 2009
Quaff. I am Quaff. Quaff is the future, everything else is the past.
Quaff has taken the medium of everything and turned it on its head, leaving a small puddle. It is from this puddle that the original ideas that Quaff has developed come from. Quaff will one day dominate the world and everyone, from the smallest glint in their parents’ eyes to the tallest man with a chunky face, will know the name Quaff.
Leave a note for your brain to take note at the lessons you will learn from Quaff.
Quaff.
April 7th, 2009
Seeing as we’re all too busy wrapping presents and sh*t I thought I would be my best to create some sort of yuletide message so that we’re all going along with the festive spirit. No wait, going along with it sounds as though we’re being held hostage by it, or that it’s some awful idea a semi-friend has come up with and you don’t want to tell them to f*ck off because you’re too nice so you go along with it to keep them happy and hold back how you really feel about them.
Ahem.
It would be best to say that 2008 has been a right pile of f*cktards all round, that it should be forgotten and left in a pile of newspapers for Ross Kemp to do a documentary on. Nonetheless it’s hard not to look forward to the presents, the endless supply of quality films, the presents, the food, the happy feaces, the cheer and merriment of people opening presents (and who said our generation was materialistic?). For now let us hold a shotgun in the general direction as we edge away from 2008 out the back door and I hope we all have a wonda-va Christmas!
Come and join the fun… and now our song is done.
December 24th, 2008
Wen I am olda I want to be one of the Thundercrats. The Thundercrats are reely reely good. I reely like that one called Lionel becos he is the leeder and has a big huge shiny sord. When Lionel looks in the sord he can see lots of fings. I also like Panfro who is gray and reely reely strong. Panfro is strong. He is not as good as Lionel. I do not like that one who is a tigar. All he does is whipp stuff. I do not like whipps. Sords are better. The rest of the Thundercrats are ok. That kitty one with the sniffles who neva shuts up and who always runs away and does not do anythin does not do anythin. He should do sumthin like grow into a big huge kitty like that one in Hee Mann. That way Lionel cud ride him like a pony. My sister wants a pony for cristmas. I want micro mashines and that sord that Lionel has. That is a good sord.
November 4th, 2008
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