Posts filed under 'Think about it'

Freckled Faces (or Feaces)

In preparation for the forthcoming Papples album I have been working on some new material. It’s been a hard process, especially with the second half of the Paps being so far away, and one which has taken its toll on my fragile little mind. I had a strange daydream where I imagined that within a woman’s face I saw another face and that I decided that the face within the face was the face of a woman who I should be going out with.

So, in the dream obviously, I ditched the woman with the face and went looking for the woman with the face within the face. When I eventually found this particular woman I relayed the story to her in a musical format, plucked sheepishly and played ever so badly on a ukulele. Then when I woke from my daydream I started writing some lyrics down to describe this event.

It’s a shame the lyrics weren’t very good though. In their broken down, half-arsed way they show potential. I hope to harness that potential like a sloth and whip it soundly to bed:

You wouldn’t believe the journey I’ve had
It’s been a long time coming
My face is a little jumbled so I hope you don’t start running
It’s a curious story of sorts
Let me dabble in your thoughts
I’m looking for a thesaurus
I’m not quite ready for the chorus

I was seeing this girl, she was freckled to the max
This was important, I’ll keep to the facts
One day I looked into her eyes and missed and hit her cheek
And tracing lines between the spots I couldn’t help but peek
There traced was a face
That was your face
Your face was on her face
It had to be a sign

Your face on her face
It was unquestionably yours
Your eyes under her eyes
I shouldn’t say anymore

How do you find a face
You’ve seen on another face?
It’s a Herculean task, make no mistake
I’ve powered through cinemas
Supermarkets and streets
I’ve sieved the shops and churches
At the expense of my feets
Every nightclub in the area I have scoured
Every bouncer overpowered
I get thrown out a lot for knocking on the ladies
“I’m just handing round a drawing man
Not trying to make babies!”


I picture you in fragrant meadows
Red dresses and silk
Hiding under brollies, sipping Irn Bru
Napping under quilts
The fact that I have found you
Despite all of the odds…
Actually now that I get a good look
If I’m being true
I was expecting something more
Give us your number and I’ll get back to you


Little known fact: This post contains more ‘faces’ than any other post ever posted.

September 13th, 2011

Approaching September

We are no longer approaching September; we are clearly on its doorstep. If September happens to come out, possibly to check if the milk has been delivered or to see what the weather is like, they will catch us perching on on the step. I will be peering through the letterbox when really all I want to do is run screaming, screaming, screaming into the street and hope that August comes back with a nice cold drink and a pat on the back.

Fat chance though. August hopped town as soon as it could leaving nothing but drizzle and disappointment. “Where’s my summer?” I shout, shaking my fist in the air. It doesn’t look back and it doesn’t care.

So let’s all gather round in a nice circle and look forward to all the things that Autumn has to offer such as conkers, a new television schedule, a chance to wear hats and all those new greatest hits albums close to the big chill at the end of the year.

August 31st, 2011

Motived Selling

Having established my empire back in the late 18th century I think it would take a fool the size of Lincolnshire to claim that I wasn’t very good at selling things. I’ve been there through the highs and the lows and now that we’re back in the lows I should pass on some of my knowledge to those who require it. And here it is:

“You can sell anything to anyone with the help of some bears.”

Now we’re not talking some domesticated, Winnie the Pooh sort of bear. What I mean is one of the wilder, more unhinged bears. The ones with the big face and the large paws. Them ones. You get yourself a couple of them and the skys the limit and various other cliches.

Place whatever it is you want to sell inside a rather large cage then put the bears inside the big cage in a small cage. Cover the bears with a fruit-covered blanket to give the impression of space and open the door to allow people in to inspect what you’re trying to sell. If they don’t look interested or if they try to leave you shut the door of the big cage and threaten to unleash the bears unless they buy your product.

Simple and effect, this method can be used over and over for repeated success. Try it; you just might like it.

August 23rd, 2011

Food Self Defence

So you think you’re safe do you? You think you can handle this harsh, load-bearing world do you? Think you’re up to the test?

Most people in response to this question wouldn’t have been able to muster an answer; they would have fallen down onto their knees and cried into their lunch. Why they would be eating their lunch this late is anyone’s guess. The fact is that we all want to be tough and pretend to be tough but we’re not. What you need is someone watching your back and ding dang doodle noodle if that person isn’t yourself!

Yes. You are the best person to leap to your defence when you run into some trouble. So what will you use? Anything with a point will be confiscated from you as soon as you try to leave your house. You need something a little more nondescript,  something that will blend in. Food is a good start, but which? Swordfish is too obvious. Eggs will sting but won’t hold back those would-be should-be probably-are attackers.

We start with the training wheels; Chupa Chups Lollies. Now I know what you’re thinking and yes, it is hard to cope with the stunning mix of looks and charm and wide legs.  Lollies are a perfect weapon. Take your hand and open the fingers then insert the round end of a Chupa Chups lolly between the fingers and close. Three instruments of pain are now yours to wield. Don’t bother using the stick ends because they’ll bend too easily. Smack someone in the face or arse or groin with those beauties and they won’t be getting up for breakfast.

Clap your hands. Lesson one over.

2 comments July 25th, 2011

The Seedy Garage – Part One

The Seedy Garage is almost four years old. For those waiting for the paperback to come back into print here’s a copy of the very first post back in the good old days of MySpace:

‘Welcome to the Seedy Garage, the place for all the weirdest and dodgiest things imaginable. Well, perhaps that’s a bit of an overstatement. We’ve got weird sh*t to blow your mind. Don’t expect anything too risque though, this is being written on a computer being monitored by like fifty or so IT people. It’s not as if we can get away with just anything.

First up is the bizarre world of Crane Toad Racing. We found a couple of crane toads hidden under a large stack of Beanos. We asked them if they found them funny and proceeded to explain that they hadn’t been tempted once. And they were sat there for six years. They were totally missing out; Rodger the Dodger is a genius.

Crane Toad Racing comes from Australia I do believe, where I have been readily informed by two close friends that it is a dull place. Obviously this may be why racing amphilibans takes place. The two roads went into great detail about the kinds of races, their long and illustrious careers and the thrill of winning. It was a marvel to behold. It was worthing of some sort of TV movie starring Dennis Franz, it really was. There’s not enough time to go into all that though. We invited the toads to stay but they made excuses about meeting with a self-help group run by two otters and a bullfinch in Birmingham and then promptly disappeared. Luckily the Seedy Garage is chocked full of wonders and we can afford to let them go. They’ll be back. They always come back…’

July 18th, 2011

February is Scary

I haven’t done much recently. I’ve been sat around looking fat, being fat and seeing fat. I heard fat a few times too. What I need is a project to occupy my time and due to the absence of money, funds and general wealth I will unfortunately be forced to improvise. I did consider a few things, and I forgot them and then I got worried.

There are a number of professions in the world that either are dying out for lack of interest or get the piss taken out of them because they’re dull and stuck in the past. I wouldn’t mind one of these jobs because I’m sure I wasn’t made for sitting in an office all day every day (at least I think that’s the case). I would happily make barrels or sweep the floors or do little dances for pennies. What are these missing though? Yes, that’s right; a bit of sex.

I could organise some sexy girls and then visit places to advertise these amazing jobs with the aid of tantalising visuals and seductive imagery. Everything looks better with my face next to it. FACT.

So I’m pulling on my least-smelly clothes and doing a tour, although now it occurs to me that in order to get the sexy girls to advertise the jobs I will need to recruit the sexy girls which will in turn need its own campaign to get them. But how do you recruit sexy girls? More sexy girls? And how do I recruit those sexy girls? Carrots on string?

I think I’m gonna have to sit down and do some numbers.

February 1st, 2011

Winning Combination

Having triumphed accidentally in the music quiz at the Tanners last night I am a whopping £6.50 up on my usual scattering of money. But then I am posed the question of what to do with such a haul. I keep getting told that we’re in a recession however I can’t say I’ve really been paying it too much attention, unlike my fried egg this morning. The last time someone complained about money I spat cigar smoke in their face and ran over them in my Mercedes.

I am presented with several options and I think I need a little guidance in order to make sure my winnings are used in the best possible way. Here are my current options.

  1. I licked a yoghurt pot too hard last night and cut my tongue, so perhaps some proper tongue plasters?
  2. I’ve always wanted to go mental in a Pound Shop; think of all the scouring pads and toothpaste I could have!
  3. I could get a copy of ‘Ah… The Name Is Bootsy Baby’ by Bootsy Collins for just over a fiver, although that sealed Yazz LP is completely out of the question.
  4. A dilapidated flat. Does anyone know of any in the Leeds area? They must be that cheap by now. I bought a garage for tuppence the other day.

Please help me with my endeavours if you can. I would put it to Des’ree but I think she’s exhausted from the previous problem.

January 26th, 2011

Can You Believe That?

Of course you can!

Today I have been learning about marmots thanks to an uplifting and insightful piece about them in a book I was reading. They have proved to be quite the page-turning, excellent-digging mammal. Let’s hear some facts about the little geezers:

  • Marmots are called marmots but they are also known as groundhogs and wood chucks, which is why when you type their name into google image a bunch of photos of groundhogs appear. Don’t let this confuse you.
  • Their scientific name is Marmota Monax, which would be a good name for a femme fetale in a film noir or a super villain in a Spiderman comic. Take note Marvel!
  • Unfortunately they do not like humans or owls which will severely affect any future relationship I may have with a marmot. Learning this made me sad for several minutes.
  • Their primary food is stuff you would find outside such as grass, dry grass and lightly wetted grass although tell this to the marmot I saw hiding behind a tree in the park pushing a Big Mac into his mouth.
  • Marmots are far more interesting and industrious than most of its animal relatives, in fact I’d even go so far as to say they’re probably more industrious than my relatives. They will store food up for the winter several months before winter. Recent developments in Apple technology have also been attributed to marmots.

There. Now if anyone asks you if you know anything about marmots you can pretend you do. Bless the internet and all its little tiny toes.

4 comments January 18th, 2011


2 comments January 12th, 2011

Capital Business

A fellow work colleague has recently returned from her holiday in the United States where she discovered that for a small fee you can get your FACE put onto… M & M’s. You would think that an M & M, or an M, I never know which one it is, would be too small to house a FACE however Mars seems to think different. After a quick squizz on t’web there is also a website you can peruse at your pleasure:

This wouldn’t be right for the English market. We would need something that was bigger and down to earth, something from our history and our heritage. So here’s what we do; we put FACES onto pasties. With so many flavours (Cornish, Cheese, Steak, Cheese and Beans, Curry) at our disposal there is one for every occasion. We can have birthday FACEs. Imagine opening up a package and there’s you in a photo from your 8th birthday when you were pretending to be a Ghostbuster. Wedding FACEs, Barmitzvah FACEs, Anniversary FACEs.

If we can get some money behind this hound I’m sure we can make it. So, who’s got the cash to support this trash?

10 comments July 8th, 2010

Previous Posts

Something random