Posts filed under 'Gravy'

The Noble Art of Conversation

Me: Hello?

Pig: You f*cking b*stard, I am going to find you and f*ck you up good and proper sunshine. You will find me at the other end of the boot that is going to be kicking your a*se good and proper.

Me: Is that Kev?

Pig: When you wake up you will f*cking fear me. I will be the first f*cking thing on your mind, son. You will sh*t your pants at the veru sight of me and I will be on your case twenty four seven you just watch.

Me: In that case I’m gonna need to buy some more pants.

Pig: You what?

Me: If I’m going to be cacking my pants every, what, hour or so then I’m going to need much, much more boxer shorts and they aren’t cheap.

Pig: No you don’t seem to…

Me: And I don’t get paid for another fortnight so is there any chance you might be able to hold off until say November sometime? Actually no that’s a busy month for me. And then there’s Christmas, ooo it’s all adding up. Could we possibly I know you were hoping for like now but would you mind waiting until the end of January?

Pig: END OF JANUARY?!?

Me: I’ll have to pay for Christmas and then there’s the boy’s birthday and he wants a party and everything. I’m not the richest man in the world and then having to save up for a sudden onslaught of terror brought on by a mysterious caller who is threatening to make me empty my bowels several times a day, well it’s a bit of an inconvenience.

Pig: Look just forget it, alright?

Ian: No come on, don’t be like that. I’m totally up for it however you just have to give me a little more time.

Pig: It’s not worth it. If your hearts not in it.

Ian: My heart is in it. Don’t be like this

Engaged tone.

Ian: This is why I never answer calls after, on or before 9pm.

October 25th, 2011

‘Neglect’ is a seven letter word

Good morning sports fans!

I am sorry for the absence of sports-related articles on the Beans and will have to continue this apology even further because the next few paragraphs will also not contain anything to do with any sports whatsoever. Not even famous headlines this morning such as Manchester United losing to Manchester City, or who won the rugby world cup (awful score).

We have however got a lot lined up for this week including a peek at Des’ree and her helpful hints with YOUR lives, a pig in a phone box, countless pieces of pointless poetry, some very very good inventions and possibly even a cash-in tie-in with something. There’s at least one thing everyone is looking forward to in the coming months it’s just that nobody wants to mention it out loud and spoil the ethos, apart from several employees working in my office who love to announce how many days are left.

Still, at least nobody is forcing you to listen to Let Loose.

October 24th, 2011

Hypothetical Question

If one morning you woke up, as usual, and prepared to go to work, as usual, and had your breakfast and drank your coffee or tea, as usual, and put your coat and shoes on, as usual, and you get into your car, as usual, and turn the key. What, then, would you do if the car wouldn’t start?

Furthermore, if one would continue to ponder, if you went to open the hood of the car to check the engine and you discovered that the engine had, in fact, been stolen and replaced by one made out of dry pasta shapes, what would you do?

Would you call the police to report a theft?
Would you call your insurance company?

Or would you bag up the pasta, take it inside and, after work, collect the ingredients to make a lovely pasta sauce?

2 comments August 16th, 2011

Gene Splicin’

This could very well be Mr Christopher Marshall if you squint slightly and turn to the side. I believe that his “big man” genes were stolen from him whilst he was watching television so that they could be passed onto further members of society. In this particular instance they were passed to Pete Lawrie; I’m being honest I didn’t know of him until I saw his Marshall-esque face in a music magazine last week.

It’s either the genes or he stole your look completely, Chris. Science has a lot to answer for. If only we knew a Science Master who might be able to offer an explanation…

May 10th, 2011

New Year, New Stock

So you’re living in a chilly wasteland of a VAT increase coupled with a lack of funds because you’re stretching your money over some horrific five week period because they paid you early for Christmas which, at the time, seemed like a good idea but then again it always does because your pay overlaps with the previous months and you look like you have several more clams than you really do.

It might be that way, or on the other hand you might not.

If you sit firmly in the latter camp then what you need are SEVERAL of the NEW lines of Smoochies Inc MERCHANDISE about to HIT the FLOOR. Not only have they disregarded the global economic collapse but they have upped their prices too. How do you like them apples? Welcome to the money-spinning ‘Out Of This World’ collection of tat.

Do you have one of those inconsiderate friends who has “everything”? Shove one of these in their gobs. With the ‘Moon on a Stick’ lollipop you can have a pop at their expense as well as silence. The ‘MoaS’ lollipop is designed to occupy the entirety of the mouthal region to ensure no noise can escape through into your ear holes.

Stuck on what to get the kids when they next freak out? Buy the new and exciting board game ‘Around The Houses’. What starts off as a simple trip to the shops suddenly turns into a long and lengthy journey as roadworks, traffic jams and pensioners stand in your way of getting back home. With six amazing levels of play you will marvel at how much you were shafted on the price.

For tiny children why not opt for our ‘Bells and Whistles’ campaign which is seeking to supply every small person in the United Kingdom with either a bell or a whistle. Children should be heard, very very loudly.

Turn to page 799 in your Smoochies Inc catalogue for more information.

January 6th, 2011

The Ulimate Collection Of Stretched Weasel Cheese Statues

Are you still buying Christmas presents?

Can’t what to do buy Uncle Dad or Cousin John in prison?

Then what you need is the ultimate gift for the ultimate person! Smoochies Inc are proud to announce a release of 1000 only set of Stretched Weasel Cheese Statues, not available in the shops.

Each statue has the chiseled features of nature’s favourite mammals: the beady eyes, the protruding whiskers, the cutsey face. In fact each statue has ten times more cute than the leading competator with a whole stack of satisfaction guaranteed.

Order now and we will ship within 24 hours, so that’s at least 24 hours before the country gets snowed in again. And remember there are only 1000 sets for sale making it an instant limited edition, never to be re-issued again. In fact if you do not order at least one this instant you will forever remember this moment as the moment when you could have ordered a life-changing collection of Stretched Weasel Cheese Statues and you didn’t, because you plumped for something stagnant and ordinary like a copy of Shrek which you can buy any time and you shouldn’t really because they’re just plain awful.

Order now. Our dedicated staff are on hand to take your call.

4 comments December 14th, 2010

Welcome to the Nonny Market

Good Morning and welcome to the Nonny Market.

The Nonny Market is a brand new and exclusive business only available in selected parts of the country which gives only CERTAIN people the chance to experience the whimsy and wonder. Do you want to be one of those people? Can you sing all the words to ‘China Girl’ by David Bowie? Fill in a ten page document with all your personal details and maybe, just maybe you might be one of the lucky few who get to enter the Nonny Market. Before it goes on general release and any old codger with a codpiece can get in.

There are rules for entering the Nonny Market though. Whilst it does have everything you could ever want ranging from simple items such as bread and milk to luminous uncertainties such as howling guinea pigs, sweaty cheese plants and face magnets you must ensure that you do not touch nor buy any of these. Nothing, nothing at all. They are not for you.

So good luck with the draw. We hope to see you “shopping” at the Nonny Market very soon.

2 comments August 2nd, 2010

Fraudulent Cake

It has recently come to my attention that a lot of people like muffins.

Now I’m quite open-minded about a lot of things but let’s face it people, a muffin is a cake. You can’t take one thing and just give it another name because it sounds swanky. I’m bored with the tired argument of ‘Is a Jaffa cake a biscuit or a cake?’ because it is taking the attention away from the ones who need sorting out. Muffins are first on the list. Unless anyone would like to speak in favour of muffins I vote that we stamp them out as quickly as possible and replace them with the name Breakfast Cakes. Who’s with me?

7 comments April 29th, 2010

Newsboost Zoom Flume – Not Enough Beans

Following on from the recent and very successful ‘Zombie Bunny Big Beans’ advertising campaign, a shock survey has revealed that the respected and well-known website Pouring Beans does not have enough beans.

Three years or so in and with not much of a profitable following but yet a cult following in certain circles, Pouring Beans crashed onto the world wide web with a cheeky smile and an abusive attitude. The attitude was kerbed though and once all the misogynstic comments and rude pencil drawings had been removed it was considered a success. Not so much a success in the conventional sense of the word, more of a success within three friends who slapped each other on the back knowing that they had left a mark somewhere in this crazy world.

This survey though has seen PB morale drop to an all time low: just under the seven mark. “Being here and knowing that, I know that if I wasn’t here and I was somewhere else,” dribbled out Pouring Beans stalwart Ian “Mac Mac Mac Mac” McIver, “I’d still know that and it would make me cry.” Asked how the crew was going to deal with the crisis Mr McIver merely made an increasingly loud noise, mentioned something about being “hairy on the go” and fled the scene clutching his “welcomes”.

How they react to this is anyone’s guess. My guess is that they will put more beans on it. FACT!

17 comments December 1st, 2009

Porktions

Right ladies and gentlemen here we have a lovely piece of meat. There is no two ways about it this is a fine specimen of pork. It came from one of Prince Underhand-Overwood’s very own swines which, as you are all aware, are widely regarded as the world’s best pigs.

Hand-reared, Sussex-bred, swill-fed and R’n’B-raised Snorkers as he came to be known loved John Lee Hooker, early Who singles and most Northern Soul. Rarely was he seen without his trademark sunglasses and picturesque ironic porkpie hat.

Who will start the bidding at ten pounds?

18 comments September 30th, 2009

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