Posts filed under 'Quite nice'

Home Beans Shopping Network

In the sprint towards the festive season you may be wondering what to get people you know and quite possibly love. Buying things is very difficult and the choice on offer now is so colossal that it makes you want to shave cakes for fun. So, you need a helping hand to point you in the right direction. There’s no way you’ll get this level of service from anywhere else.

Let’s start with Uncle Johnny Wing-Wang. Uncle J is a hard cracker and doesn’t like anything other than football and food. He’s a bit of a fat bastard but nobody says anything, you know because it’s gone on for so long it’s silly to bring it up now; the time for that was 1987. What kind of a present is going to a) impress him and b) make his chubby face squish a smile out one end?

You need this… a loaf of crusts:


There are people who do like crusts, I can vouch for them. Imagine an entire loaf of bread with only crusts, gathered up from all the crust-hating fops out there in the world. Fresh and seething with resentment for not being eaten. The perfect gift for a couch-dwelling chunder-faced gremlin. Stick that up Uncle J and it’ll shower rainbows over his life for decades to come.

Available now for the small price of £8.99.

September 25th, 2011

I Think I May Have A Problem…

Yeah. It’s very modern to put your hand up and tell everyone what’s wrong with you, in fact it’s downright encouraged in an office because it gives everyone something to talk about in-between the dull emptiness of everything else.

I unfortunately don’t have a very interesting addiction. At the moment I cannot help but scour amazon.co.uk for cheap cds. Not that I ever have any time to spin the damn things, which is what doesn’t make sense. Why go to the trouble and expense of searching for and buying the things when I never seem to have any time to listen to music? My I-Pod has about as much space as a seedy garage so no luck there. I’m even considering buying a personal CD player (like everyone had in 1997) however the last one, as well as me being a bit cack-handed with the discs themselves, seemed to scratch everything I put into it.

I should probably give in and download it. I don’t want to though; I like the swathes of CDs lining my shelves, well I would if I had shelves. They’re all currently jammed behind books and that because I decided to move things around in my room recently. So if I had shelves, long shelves, I would lovingly stare at them for hours and hours.

Honestly I would.

P.S. This post started off as something completely different.

September 12th, 2011

I can do this

I have installed an app on my mobile electrical blower called Blogpress which allows me to post things like this to Da Beans without having to visit the website.

So now – even while on the omnibus or while browsing Woolworths or something, I can post things here.

You can, I’m sure, imagine my excitement. Please detail how you imagined my excitement.

7 comments July 24th, 2011

Things I Have Been Told To Do

I have been told to make a return to Da Beans. So here I am, making a return. I am returning.

I can now add this thing to the list of things I have been told to do. This includes:

  • Tidy my room
  • Be quiet
  • Stop making that face
  • Don’t do that
  • Please don’t do that
  • Stop touching me
  • Get your finger out of my drink
  • Don’t talk about that any more
  • Go sit quietly over there
I have not been told to insert a picture of a dog riding a bicycle, but I am choosing to do this of my own accord, and you can’t stop me.

11 comments July 11th, 2011

The Death of Minty-Fresh

It is the end.

I have been with someone for what seems like a lifetime and was littered with so many happy moments that it is hard to know how to feel right about now. On the one hand I am happy for them to leave this existence, to fly to another world and seek happiness wherever they may find it, however I too am crippled with despair and depression at the prospect of being alone. It’s the multitude of feelings that are best conveyed in poetry but we all don’t have time for that.

I have being associated with the shirt known as “Minty-Fresh” for at least three or four years which is practically my entire stint from the North East. It has been on heavy rotation each week serving my shirt needs for Monday and Wednesday; the shining light when compared with its darker brother (who still doesn’t have a name). I have sweated my fullest, have walked through countless streets and eaten a variety of awful, awful lunches when housed in Minty-Fresh. I have seen sunrises and sunsets, the skies cracked open like the devil’s trousers, the soft snow on my cheek.

That all has to end now.

Unfortunately because Minty-Fresh smells so badly, and because I didn’t get a chance to give him a once-over with the Febreeze, he is still hanging at home during his last week as a shirt. Nonetheless he will return stronger than ever before I tear him up into strips and use him as dusters.

Be strong, sir, be strong.

May 31st, 2011

The Wife Spectrum – An Introduction

By Oily Buns aka Oliver Bunsford

I suppose it was only a matter of time before my knowledge and expertise in this field was required by the rest of the world. It is not the kind of thing you can keep to yourself, especially when you know it will help so many others. So yes, I’m throwing the gauntlet down and showing my shiny parts. I am giving up my valuable time to point you in the right direction. I’ve also lost quite a lot of business since “real” and “funny” comedians started appearing again, and those articles about the train sodomy didn’t help.

How many people have wives? Exactly. Tons. How many people know what to do with wives? Exactly. Tons. Some however don’t have the faintest idea of what to do once the veil is up. They get a frightened look on their face and soil themselves in the reception room. Luckily I’ve been practising polygomy for the best part of two decades; for no particular reason, I get a bit fussy sometimes, I like a bit of change. Being on the road so much you pick things up here and there, mainly there, and there as well.

You can break wives into five main groups: annoying, naggy, pointy, nymph and polar bear. I seem to favour the last two, no idea why. We will run through all of them at some point.

I only hope that with my help you can achieve the same level of bliss that I, my eleven wives, and twenty-seven children have.

May 24th, 2011

Extract from the script for the big screen adaptation of ‘The Soup/Sandwich Confusion’

 A young woman is sat in a restaurant. She’s sipping a cup of coffee, she’s got so many problems going around in her mind and she doesn’t know what to do.

Woman: God damn, I’ve got so much going on in my head. I can’t seem to focus on anything.

Takes another sip of her coffee.

Woman: Today is not a good day. I need something to take my mind off of…

All of a sudden her attention is diverted away from the hot brown grit in her cup, there’s a pungent aroma floating through the restaurant. She sniffs the air.

Woman: Hmmm, what’s that?

The woman walks down the centre aisle of the restaurant. There is a man sat at a table about to take the first sip of his soup.

Man: Yes? Can I help?

Woman: Oh sorry, I thought you were eating a sandwich.

The man shoots a confused look her way.

Man: What made you think that?

Woman: It was the pungent smell, it reminded me of a sandwich I once knew.

Man: Take a seat, and tell me more. In fact let me crack open a Pepperami whilst you talk. Excuse me.

The man opens a Pepperami and offers a bit to the woman.

March 9th, 2011

Work Comments (the best so far)

“There’s always something slightly disturbing about eating teeth” – DG

“It makes you look as though you have a massive overjaw” – SD

“She got the same with… I was gonna say Russian Roulette… with horseradish sauce” – DG

“If he hasn’t sewn around the area correctly then there will be an allowance of seepage” – HR

“Eee, you had a baby on Christmas Day? When did you find time to fit your dinner in?” SD

“Bananas are full of potassium. People who aren’t allowed potassium aren’t allowed to eat bananas” HR

“I like sitting in the house with the curtains closed” DG

“What’s soft porn?” SD

November 10th, 2010

Highs and Lows

Lows

Today I have forgotten my Metro pass meaning that I cannot ride on either the Metro or the bus, which is a bit of an inconvenience seeing as I have to use both to pick up Reuben tonight. Therefore I am having to use my lunch break to haul my a*s home to pick it up and return to work within an hour. Can I do it? Only your Wheel Of Thrusting TM can tell you that.

Highs

Last night within the space of two minutes I saw the trailer for not only Toy Story 3 but also the new A Team film coming out at the end of the month. As both a man and a manchild this made me happy beyond belief.

Also to take the edge off the lunch-break-metro-journey-home-within-an-hour scenario I am looking upon it as an earlier insight into what post I may be getting today. And an adventure. Like that film ‘Nick Of Time’ but much better.

5 comments July 15th, 2010

Brioche, Always an Afterthought

And on that day, nobody bought
The brioche, always an afterthought
The brioche, always an afterthought

9 comments June 22nd, 2010

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