Posts filed under 'Look at this'

I thought it was just another week… ?

But it’s not, is it? This represents a lot unfortunately.

For me in particular it is as follows:

1) This is the last week where you can buy things cheap online, because shipping officially becomes redundant as of Friday as it’s the last day for first class to be posted and still arrive before Christmas. If you’re not in any rush then this doesn’t affect you, and that makes me want to put your face through a window more.

2) This is also the last week that I can get anything for my family for Christmas because come Saturday morning me and the boy will be whisked down to Leeds via East Coast trains for the traditional early family Christmas, so it’s a relatively frenzied look in any shops that still hold stock and then in my heading piecing together various pieces of information about each person to try to find a suitable gift. “My brother John likes television… and he’s used to wearing t-shirts… therefore he’s bound to like this bottle of shampoo?”

3) The works Christmas event. It’s happening this Friday. I’m still not sure whether I want to go, but I should at least show my face. We have many interesting developments over the night including a singer (?), a magician (??) and then a disco which will no doubt include several Christmas songs, a Grease and possibly even a Dirty Dancing megamix. If they whip out the Steps megamix then I walk. There’s only so much that one person can stand after all.

I only hope that I can cope with the pressure as I know my bank account has already collapsed under the weight of expectation. People still accept blood as payment for goods and services, right?

December 12th, 2011

Grow My Face

It is customary in December for me to grow a beard. Because I can. It also protects my face from the cold thus making a rather helpful addition to my viso/volto. So having hacked off what little was left I am naked in the facial region, patiently waiting for the inevitable to happen.

I was hoping to take part in Decembeard, some sort of fund-raising activity in the same vein as Movember, however it would appear as though it hasn’t really taken off in the UK and surprisingly people don’t want to give you money just because you haven’t shaved for a while. Which is a shame as growing face candy is one of the few things I’m good at.

So if anyone anywhere wants to give me money for growing a beard please do so. There are many charities out there that need your support. They can have whatever gets shuffled in my direction.

December 1st, 2011

Quick Bucks

So, you’re struggling a bit for money at the moment. It’s Christmas shortly, in a couple of months, everyone is vying for your money. Your hard-earned pennies aren’t going to cut it and when you look in the mirror all you can see is stress lines from the constant pressure. It does make you wonder why people do this to themselves year after year. What on earth could you do to make ends meet?

You could record a pop song! It doesn’t even necessarily have to be one for Christmas because from now until the end of time there will be either an X Factor-ite clogging up the charts with some dodgy cover or anti X Factor block party. What you need is something catchy yet generic that once it has outstayed its welcome can be used on countless amounts of radio jingles and television advertisements.

Do you think the Beach Boys were looking to sell small cheeses when they were singing Barbara Ann? That Glen Campbell was hoping that, years later, a bank would poach his song and change the lyrics to something savings accounts? No! Some are unfortunate, most are just plain wrong. If your song has a plain chorus or title like ‘I Want It All’ by Queen or ‘Just What I Always Wanted’ by Mari Wilson then obviously some advertising cohort is going to find and destroy your song for their own benefits.

Still, your benefits will be money lining your pocket, no matter what your voice and tune have been set against. This is where the poor line starts; do you want to join the back? Quick, think of something that you know people will need or that they say often and then draft a little cheeky something or other. Add percussion, piano and maybe some bass and watch as the cash rolls in.

I am off to write my song ‘Give Me Your Number’ which I’m hoping will be used to advertise both dating websites and even the police service. Watch this space.

October 19th, 2011

The Unluckiest Man in the Universe (spoiler alert!)

Luck; does it exist or not? It’s a very good question especially for a Monday morning. Rather than complaining about coming back to work (always a good start) or moaning about traffic (it’s getting harder and harder without an actual car) an idea popped into my head. Out of all the characters I have ever watched, read or heard about who is one with the least amount of luck?

It was obvious really. I mean who else could it be other than Luke Skywalker from the original Star Wars trilogy?

Luke’s life is a plethora of mishaps and unfortunates. Starting from the beginning he is born at the beginning of a massive change of events prompted by the death of all the jedis, his mother dies, he is forced into hiding then separated from his sister, he lives a dull and monotonous life on a barren planet helping his crotchety uncle and aunt farm weird things and drink blue liquid. Things should turn around by now right? But no.

Then Luke meets an old man who turns out to be the best friend in the world and allows himself to die, then he follows him around as a voice which personally I would think would have made me believe I was going mad. He falls in love with a woman which turns out to be his sister. He gets beaten up my a snow monster on the planet of Hoth. He is bullied by a small green man with a stick and Frank Oz’s voice. He loses his arm in a fight with the second most evil man in the universe, who just so happens to be his father, bring back years of abandonment issues.

His other best friend gets encased in carbonite and then when he is rescued starts going out with his sister. Luke finds out the only way to become a full jedi is to kill his dad. He gets electrocuted severely by the Emperor then watches as his father dies right before him. At the end of it all he has gained a sister and a brother-in-law (practically) and his only companions are his two camp droids.

I’d say that must easily be a winner.

September 26th, 2011

I Think I May Have A Problem…

Yeah. It’s very modern to put your hand up and tell everyone what’s wrong with you, in fact it’s downright encouraged in an office because it gives everyone something to talk about in-between the dull emptiness of everything else.

I unfortunately don’t have a very interesting addiction. At the moment I cannot help but scour amazon.co.uk for cheap cds. Not that I ever have any time to spin the damn things, which is what doesn’t make sense. Why go to the trouble and expense of searching for and buying the things when I never seem to have any time to listen to music? My I-Pod has about as much space as a seedy garage so no luck there. I’m even considering buying a personal CD player (like everyone had in 1997) however the last one, as well as me being a bit cack-handed with the discs themselves, seemed to scratch everything I put into it.

I should probably give in and download it. I don’t want to though; I like the swathes of CDs lining my shelves, well I would if I had shelves. They’re all currently jammed behind books and that because I decided to move things around in my room recently. So if I had shelves, long shelves, I would lovingly stare at them for hours and hours.

Honestly I would.

P.S. This post started off as something completely different.

September 12th, 2011

Inter-Dimensional Robot Super Bots

Once upon a time there was a lonely old man who lived on a planet all by himself. He would wander the vast sparse landscapes collecting pieces of wrecked star ships and other erroneous metals that littered the floor. By the time the man reached fifty he had a grand total of two thousand tonnes of metal. It was then that he decided he would use some of the metal to build a warehouse to put the rest of the metal in. With only his crude work tools after several weeks the warehouse stood aloft for all the bottom-feeding stench maggots to see, that is if they were less concerned about the tasty, tasty algae used to make stews and sandwiches. The man was surprised he had the strength and the skills to make such a thing, and then wondered what else he could make.

First came the more practical items, such as a sprinkler system, a flagpole and a bath mat. Next, more throwaway devices such as an all-terrain Jeep, a pair of tap-dancing shoes and some pelican bullets. After slogging away for a year the man stood back again to gaze on everything he had built, and there was plenty to see. The most intriguing was a robot he had put together in his free time in-between plenty of moments of soul-searching and bouts of madness. It had arms and legs, a head and limbs, and all that. He hadn’t managed to make it work though and so it stood motionless behind the riot gear and the foot massager.

(to be continued)

July 19th, 2011

OFFICIAL HALFWAY THROUGH THE YEAR POST

According to the title of this post this is the Official Halfway Through The Year post.

So we must be halfway through 2011 otherwise this post wouldn’t make sense.

How about that?

4 comments July 1st, 2011

The League Table

So far so good.

Five letters sent and four returned, with only Kraft left to reply to my sexual confrontation about Terry’s Chocolate Orange. I think it’s best to refer to it as a “sexual confrontation” rather than a letter because I did go a little over the top. Anyway, currently the league table is as follows:

  1. McVities
  2. Burton’s Foods
  3. Nestle
  4. Proctor & Gamble
  5. ?????

Technically the letter to P & G wasn’t garnering any proper interest so I do feel bad leaving them at the back end of the table however the fact that all four took the time to respond to my deluded ramblings is brilliant. I salute all the customer service advisors and departments who were forced to look at and read my filth. Can Kraft come forward and knock McVities off the top spot? Who will be the next company to be chosen? Will anyone reply telling me to stop wasting their time?

If only anyone other than me was reading this it might be a little bit thrilling!

2 comments June 30th, 2011

Garner This And Wait!

Dear Shreddies / Nestle,  

                        I am very, very, very fond of Shreddies. If I could I would probably eat Shreddies three times a day because they taste amazing. As a child I can remember sitting idly watching television and eating huge bowls of Shreddies; as an adult things haven’t changed much. I have had to cut down to one or two bowls a day because I’m told by my doctor I’m supposed to have a varied diet and even though there’s a ton of great stuff in Shreddies and milk I need other things too like vegetables and fruit. Have you seen how much sugar is in fruit though? Have you tasted celery? Fruit is dead expensive too, whereas a box and Shreddies will last me just about a full week for a small sum.

You needn’t be concerned though; every box of Shreddies I buy I always recycle the cardboard. Sometimes I have a dream where I’ve eaten so many boxes of Shreddies that I leave them in the back garden and when I look out of the window there’s just a massive pile, so big I can’t open the door. Then the police come round and it’s get a little complicated; I won’t go into those details, it is just a recurring dream after all.

I was considering writing a poem about how great Shreddies are but I didn’t think it would work very well. Not a lot of words rhyme with Shreddies apart from ‘teddies’, ‘readies’ and ‘steadies’. Can you be best man at a Weddies? Can you get a horrible pain in your Headies? I don’t think so. Needless to say though I’m sure a much better person can come up with a much better poem to relay my admiration for your brilliant cereal.

Kind Regards

Ian McIver

1 comment April 8th, 2011

Enlightening The Ignorant

I came across this in the library yesterday. I took a picture but I can’t transfer them from my phone to the t’internet. Nice.

March 17th, 2011

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