Posts filed under 'Bedtime stories'
I wake up as a member of Parliament or at least a Politician, because I’m lying in bed fully dressed in a suit with people shouting at me. When I eventually get up to go downstairs I realise there’s something in my hand and when I look it’s the budget for the UK only it’s not in a nice, posh red case it’s some horrible plastic wallet with a reusable zipper at the top. Even this makes me cringe.
Outside there are hundreds of other people in suits, presumably other politicians, cramming into cars. They’re all going somewhere and I’m obliged to follow, but I make up an excuse that I have to go to Jack Fultons before I can attend wherever they’re going. Really my mind keeps wandering back to a beautiful woman I came across the night before and I’m convinced I’ll find her in Fulton. So, leaving them to drive off, I walk down main street and into the shop. It’s closing down and the woman is not there but I do find a fellow politician cooing over some Jaffa-Fakes for 99p. I tell him to get his act together. It’s then I decide I don’t want to carry the budget anymore so I hide it behind one of the checkouts. Satisfied with my work we walk out beaming, convinced it is in a safe place, and then I cack my pants when I notice there is a cleaner still in Fultons and that she could steal my magical document.
It’s too late for that though. The beautiful woman is nowhere to be seen, I could have lost a very important document and unwillingly I am bundled off in a 4 x 4 to some unknown destination.
February 23rd, 2011
Once upon a time there was a man named Steve. He lived a fairly regular life full of routine and things to do. He worked in an office from 9am until 5pm, which was customary in those days, and enjoyed healthy sexual relations with many women he encountered in the workplace and on nights out.
One day Steve was putting away some washing when he noticed a pair of jogging pants he didn’t recognise. They were grey and ugly but as it was Sunday and nobody does anything Sunday he put them on and went through into his living room. Steve decided that he was going to watch his favourite film – Mannequin starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Catteral. Then if he felt really adventurous he would also go for Splash Too and something starring Jennifer Aniston (he has an awful taste in films).
When Steven open the DVD box though he shrieked in horror; the disc was scratched beyond all recognition! When had it happened? Last week when the shelf broke and all the DVDs fell down? Was it during the Halloween party where two out of three people had broken something in his flat? It didn’t matter, all that did matter was that watching Mannequin today was completely out of the question. With his head in his hands Steve felt low. In what he believed to be a pointless endeavour he wiped the disc over his jogging pants to somehow help. He lifted the disc up and there it was; his reflection starring back at an unscratched clean surface. Through his tears he couldn’t believe his eyes. He rubbed his eyes in an unconvincing manner and checked again; there was no doubt about it, the marks were gone. Steve jumped in the air and whooped with joy.
That afternoon was the most rewarding afternoon Steve had ever had. With every graze, mark and scratch he would wipe the media on his jogging pants and they would come up sparkling. Steve even found it worked on CDs, his television and the toaster too. Unfortunately because he wasn’t the brightest of fellows this was as far as it went. Had he taken the time to look into this phenomena more he would have discovered the magic healing qualities of the jogging pants including the ability to stitch bones, remove infection and un-break necks.
Tragic.
In the end he threw them out and they were eaten by a donkey.
February 14th, 2011
January 21st, 2011
Of course you can!
Today I have been learning about marmots thanks to an uplifting and insightful piece about them in a book I was reading. They have proved to be quite the page-turning, excellent-digging mammal. Let’s hear some facts about the little geezers:
- Marmots are called marmots but they are also known as groundhogs and wood chucks, which is why when you type their name into google image a bunch of photos of groundhogs appear. Don’t let this confuse you.
- Their scientific name is Marmota Monax, which would be a good name for a femme fetale in a film noir or a super villain in a Spiderman comic. Take note Marvel!
- Unfortunately they do not like humans or owls which will severely affect any future relationship I may have with a marmot. Learning this made me sad for several minutes.
- Their primary food is stuff you would find outside such as grass, dry grass and lightly wetted grass although tell this to the marmot I saw hiding behind a tree in the park pushing a Big Mac into his mouth.
- Marmots are far more interesting and industrious than most of its animal relatives, in fact I’d even go so far as to say they’re probably more industrious than my relatives. They will store food up for the winter several months before winter. Recent developments in Apple technology have also been attributed to marmots.
There. Now if anyone asks you if you know anything about marmots you can pretend you do. Bless the internet and all its little tiny toes.
January 18th, 2011
I agreed to go to a somewhat unconventional jazz festival with my counterparts Mr Nick and Mr Neil which was being held in a large pub some thirty miles away. The first problem was that I didn’t know where it was located and they had already set off without me so I was left to my own devices. I managed to somehow get to within a couple of miles and hitched a ride on an old fashioned red double decker to the front of the pub.
Inside it was comprised of three or four floors. The main floor was on the ground level comprising of many tables and chairs and a huge spiral staircase through the middle of the room, but you couldn’t use it. It appeared to be some sort of art edifice. Encountering my usual bladder troubles even in a dream I head downstairs to the basement level to go to the toilet.
It is set out like the toilets in a school gym; line upon line of urinals as far as the eye can see, drenched in piss stains and chewing gum. The toilets are so far in the distance I can’t make them out, it’s as big as a warehouse. To make matters worse filling up most of the room is a group of school children lined up in formation and being drilled by a teacher. I quietly pick a urinal as far away from the chaos as possible and slip back upstairs.
There’s no music though. For a jazz festival there is only the sound of people talking. Perhaps it’s a metaphor or something, I didn’t pay to get in after all. I wander up to the top floor and still no music. I haven’t even located my two friends and instead get followed by a strange man with a beard and glasses, trying to start a conversation with me about vermouth and spiders. I make my excuses and leave but he still follows. Outside it’s a beautiful warm day.
What does it all mean?
December 1st, 2010
Times have been hard for Tasmin Archer. It’s not easy having an international hit single, being labelled a one hit wonder and then struggling to come up with a follow-up.
The year is 1992. Sleeping Satellite (you know the one, “don’t blame you for the moonlit night and I wonder why, when the eagles fly” etc) slams into the top spot of the UK and Irish charts eventually being forced off by supreme lords of the smooth soulful chug-a-long Boyz II Men. Some other songs followed but they could never quite reach the heights previously set.
Four years after her debut album a second album followed and I’m sure it had its high points however there was something missing and it failed to carry on the success of the previous.
Apparently Tasmin Archer has a season ticket for Sunderland AFC. Well what else would you do in between recording sessions? Eat a pear? Neck a pint of red bull? Furthermore she is actually from West Yorkshire, born in Bradford. How’d you like them apples?
What is quite amazing is that despite only having three studio albums to her name she has three compilation albums. I thought that All Saints having a greatest hits after only two albums was odd, but this? Quite unheard of I must say. She does have a good set of pipes so it can’t be the pipes. Then again unless you’re struggling to decide whether you’re a man or a woman whilst simultaneously re-releasing your album ever five seconds, or filming videos songs with overly gratutious sexual images with whipped cream and jelly tots you unfortunately won’t get very far.
Shame. Toot on Tasmin, toot on!
November 16th, 2010
“There’s always something slightly disturbing about eating teeth” – DG
“It makes you look as though you have a massive overjaw” – SD
“She got the same with… I was gonna say Russian Roulette… with horseradish sauce” – DG
“If he hasn’t sewn around the area correctly then there will be an allowance of seepage” – HR
“Eee, you had a baby on Christmas Day? When did you find time to fit your dinner in?” SD
“Bananas are full of potassium. People who aren’t allowed potassium aren’t allowed to eat bananas” HR
“I like sitting in the house with the curtains closed” DG
“What’s soft porn?” SD
November 10th, 2010
This may be common knowledge however I don’t think I have ever come across it myself. Having received a weird text message from my brother I was directed towards Clowns International which is the official website if you want to become a clown. It has ideas about being a clown and what you should do if you want to do it professionally.
The strange thing is that when you register to become a clown you have to paint your clown face onto an egg, which is then stored somewhere to prevent duplication of the make-up (how you are supposed to do this in a world of six billion people I couldn’t say). If you happen to still be practising as a clown when you die the members of Clowns International smash the egg, as if your entire existence was based on that egg.
Words alone can’t describe how strange that is.
October 14th, 2010
There are girls who on hills
And girls who live in towns
I was smart enough to find the one to drag me down.
I brought her some cake, said it was too sweet.
I bought her a house, it was on the wrong street.
I brought her some drugs, they were the wrong kind,
She wanted the ones that went pop in your mind.
I gave her a puppy, said its chops were all twisted,
“It’s common at that age,” I quietly insisted.
We even made a baby, even that wasn’t correct,
How should I know she wanted the opposite sex?
When it came to the end of the world I just frowned,
Something told me there’d be problems around.
And there was. In spades. Heaped in a pile
That woman there raised a wicked smile,
“It wasn’t how I planned it,” she said from her chair,
Like you could plan something uncommon, so rare.
Apparently asteroids and volcanoes and ashes weren’t in,
The path of destruction should be a cosmic explosion.
The colours were too fluid, the temperature too hot,
By this time I was ready to explode, I kid not.
If it was all going to end in a short space of time
I’d rather not spend it listening to that thing whine.
Me and Gerry, out space cadet son,
Only aged eight yet courageous and handsome,
We snuck out the back door, trying not to laugh,
We left her to deal with the horrible aftermath
Alone, our last moments were spent enjoying the peace,
Eating hotdogs and sandwiches and tasty roast beef.
Arthur “Lemon” Lemonson
October 7th, 2010
I have decided that the normal life I lead just isn’t good enough anymore. I need the rush and excitement of something more, something better. So having taken leave of my senses I will don a disgusting costume made of old socks and take to the streets as… FANKSMAN!
Not only does Fanksman do his best to stop villains from completing villainous acts of crime but he also puts his hand out to shake those citizens who are doing their bit to help the community. Fanksman wants to share the thanks and offer up the thanks and throw a couple of thanks here and there. He will dispense the thanks where it needs to be dispensed.
With his signature move, the Crimson Tongue, and faithful sidekick Chops there is nothing they cannot achieve.
Yes, with Fanksman on their side people will feel safe and sound.
September 29th, 2010
Next Posts
Previous Posts