Archive for May, 2006

For Some Unknown Reason…

… I Still cant upload pictures on my laptop. so i cant join in the free flowing funland of festoons. And that makes me a Sad Panda 🙁

2 comments May 31st, 2006

Bad Day (Please… don’t take no pictures)

I’m going to spend most of today pissing through my eyeballs

5 comments May 31st, 2006

Movie review: Confessions of a Driving Instructor

Good evening. One of my final year lectures is British Cinema, and as part of my exam revision, I have watched Confessions of a Driving Instructor in full. Student life is hard. This might even become a regular feature.

Confessions of a Driving Instructor (1976) dir. Cohen
Starring Robin Asquith, Lynda Bellingham (her off the Oxo adverts)

Rating: 2/5
Yes jam Yes jam No jam No jam No jam

This is the first “Confessions” movie I have seen but it’s actually the third one in the series, which sees Tim (Robin Asquith) and his brother set up a driving school. Hilarity, of course, ensues.

This is possibly the worst film I have seen in a long time. It’s one of many British films of the 70s that were made on no budget whatsoever in order to make some quick cash, though the “Confessions” series is unusual in that it was funded by the US studio Columbia. Even so, the budget is almost non-existant and was mostly spent on insuring one large Bentley that is used in several reckless chase scenes and in convincing hordes of young women to briefly appear naked. Even Lynda Bellingham – later the prim and proper mum of the Oxo household – gets her baps out. In total there are flashes of gratuitous nudity from about six women.

The production values are a joke. It’s so bad it’s almost funny, but not quite. The funniest thing is how inexplicably eager women are to hop into bed with our gurning protagonist.

The point of the film seems to be to give hope to otherwise unattractive, geeky men who have no luck with women, by convincing them that most women are sex-starved, adulterous creatures who will get undressed at the first opportunity, have sex in any location and are willing to try it on with any unattractive geeky driving instructor who might come their way. The majority of them also have large dangly boobs.

All of the above is, of course, not true in real life, which is a tremendous disappointment. And so I give this film only 2/5 jam jars.

This film on IMDB

5 comments May 30th, 2006

The Dotcom revolution

www.chris5156.com

Woo!

8 comments May 29th, 2006

Yo

Prince of Bel Air

6 comments May 28th, 2006

I have a less interesting life than Marshall

Got up, thrusted my loins, fed baby breakfast, went for a walk to the co-op, had lunch, thrusted my loins, put baby down for a nap, wrote another ‘hilarious’ Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog story, woke baby from nap, thrusted my loins, put baby to bed, spent an hour trying to make him sleep, thrusted my loins, made a cd, stayed up until midnight… 😛 and that’sa end of that chapter.

Sorted. Respect due.

 pirate1.jpg  I love jiggy pirates!

9 comments May 28th, 2006

Chucka chucka

I’m tempted to say the word, “crotch.”

Kev I keep saying the word, “crotch.” Do you have any thoughts on the matter? 😀

5 comments May 27th, 2006

Wobbly Dog and Flat Kitty – Atrocity Exhibition

One day as the sun shone on the well-caked world Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog sat outside in the garden. “What shall we do today?” asked Flat Kitty, “it seems like such a lovely day I’d hate to waste it indoors.”
“An adventure would certainly suit a day like this,” replied Wobbly Dog, “like a ride in a hot air balloon or a trek through an Amazonian rain forest.” Flat Kitty thought hard to rack her brain to work out what to do on this glorious of days and also how such an ill-educated dog knew of the lush greenery of a country miles and miles away. “I’ve got it, a trip to the zoo!” she gasped with excitement and sprinted around the garden. When I say sprint though what I really mean is she jigged on the spot and made the poorest of efforts to move from side to side. Not really the same. “Excellent, let’s go!” shouted Wobbly Dog quite clearly caught up in the moment and couldn’t prevent himself from falling into the paddling pool. Flat Kitty flopped to his rescue. “Thanks, I just needed to cool off before we embarked on our expedition,” mumbled Wobbly Dog lying to preserve his pride.

The outside world was busy and full of people pushing and shoving. Wobbly Dog and Flat Kitty hopped onto a bus and took a ride to the zoo. It was only seventeen miles just down the road. For the sake of a few more lines though they took several twists and turns, down many alleys and under bridges of wonder. They struggled to read the variety of different messages scralled on the walls of the inner city ghettos but they knew that each one of them was a life-affirming message of hope. The bus was alive with munters reading the free paper and playing high-pitch, speeded up music on their mobile phones. One of them even tried to sit on the hapless pair thinking they were rubbish!

The bus stopped and Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog got off. The gate to the zoo was huge and thankfully, because it was a weekday, the queues were non-existant like those days at Alton Towers when you managed to make it through the 26km sponsored walk your school had arranged for you and this was your prize for doing so. “Where should we go?” asked Flat Kitty, “there’s so much to choose from.” Scratching his head Wobbly Dog said, “I think we should start with the monkeys.” He narrowly managed to avoid the fresh chewing gum on the path but failed to notice the huge blob of tomato ketchup. “Gosh, I better be careful, I wouldn’t want the animals thinking I was food and eating me!” Now I think of myself as an intelligent person and even if I was one of the simplest of creatures with a brain the size of a pea I wouldn’t confuse a small, cardboard dog covered in a condiment as food. They followed the signs towards the monkey enclosures barely containing their excitement.

The monkeys were a playful bunch. They would hang on the ceiling and bound about the cages. “They look so much fun,” commented Flat Kitty, “but I’m really hungry now after seeing all those bananas,” the weak-minded fool. Wobbly Dog wobbled in acknowledgement, “Yes perhaps a snack is in order. I’ll go get us some ice creams.”
“Yum yum yum,” murmured Flat Kitty sounding like the victim of a mace attack. Wobbly Dog wandered off to search for the ice cream truck or stall of whatever. You may be thinking how does a six inch tall dog obtain such snacks of tastiness with no hands and no money. You’ll label it a huge plot hole but back walked Wobbly Dog with two ice creams in his hands and a grin on his face. “Yum yum yum,” reiterated Flat Kitty pushing the ice cream practically into her mouth. Wobbly Dog watched as his toppled from his cone down to the murky dirt-ridden pavement. “Nevermind, you can have some of mine,” laughed a cruel Flat Kitty passing the remenants of hers to Wobbly Dog’s wobbly paws. “Yum,” said Wobbly Dog crunching on the bitter cone of embarassment.

They moved onto the various other animals such as the elephants, the jiggly-affs, the parrots and some hippos. It was so much fun seeing the animals and playing. Much more fun than say fumbling around in a cellar for five hours. This is much more interesting. Still, there’s mediocre and there’s mediocre. Seeing friends or write about Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog? Going out and having a laugh or writing about Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog? Sharing saliva with my best friend’s wife in the backseat of his Mercedes or sat in the dark penning tales of moronic desperation? I know which one I’d choose.

Flat Kitty sighed when it was finally time to leave. “It’s such a shame it has to end so soon. I was having so much fun,” she said trying to hide her disappointment. “We’ll be back before you know it,” said Wobbly Dog reassuringly although still upset about not getting ice cream and the fact that she scoffed all of hers. “Really? Oh joy. That’s something to look forward to,” squealed Flat Kitty. The sun was beginning to set as they stood waiting at the bus stop for the next service to arrive. “Oh dear,” said Wobbly Dog, “it seems as though we’ve missed the last bus.” How they could have done being five thirty in the evening is beyond me. He must have read it wrong. “So what should we do?” asked Flat Kitty. “We’ll have a merry walk home instead. I love fresh air,” exclaimed Wobbly Dog. So off they jolly well went. Seventeen miles ahead of them and the night closing in, who’s to say what will happen to our two clueless heroes. I would but unfortunately that’s a completely different story… 😉

BATTLING DEMONS, VAMPIRES AND LIONEL BLAIR HOBOS, FLAT KITTY AND WOBBLY DOG WILL RETURN!!!

6 comments May 27th, 2006

Excitement and adventure

It’s all gone a bit quiet on here lately! Time to spice things up with the story of my day out…

For the uninitiated, I am a geek, interested in roads. I (and like-minded people, who can be found here at SABRE) were mortified two years ago to discover that the Powers That Be were planning to get rid of one of the most-discussed anomalies on the road network. It’s a small road called the A6144(M) which is a motorway but was only a piddly two-lane thing. Oodles of info here.

On Wednesday night it was closed and all the motorwayness removed. Noooo! So I set out to get some little memento to keep for posterity, on behalf of SABRE.
We went to the depot, asked around, got passed to contractors and subcontractors, had to get someone out of bed who had been working there over night, and ended up scrambling around on the back of a works truck in piles of metal poles and electrical equipment. But I did it! Ha!

Signs

Saved, cleaned up and residing in my living room. A good day’s work.

1 comment May 25th, 2006

Pirates – a wee song

“There was a pirate that all the other pirates feared,
 Even black, blue, red and yellowbeard.
 Now the captain was as rotten as they come,
 And never once thought to write to his mum (boo hoo hoo).

 Argh! Argh! Marie…. Celeste!
 She’s got the meaniest crew the world has ever faced (Bad boys!).
 Then the bowson shouted something out, “Oi, there’s a ship to the west!”
 Shiver me timbers! Walk the plank! SOS! Swim for shore! Pieces of eight! Abandon ship!
 It wasn’t magic, or ghost and tricks,
 It was down to a bowl of Wheetabix.
 That’s why they found no pirates aboard the Marie Celeste.”

4 comments May 24th, 2006

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