Er yeah fellas I only thought to ask politely when I say
“Where the fuck is the book we’ve been writing?” and
“Why doesn’t anyone come on anymore?” and
“Would someone like to give me some money so I can make a prototype of the Pap-Babble-Apple-Ator?”
12 comments July 30th, 2009
Outspoken and morally incorrect “musician” Eddie Outrageous has today confirmed that he is quitting the music business, citing claims that it isn’t the same as it was when he began in 2007.
“I mean it’s just all wrong now, all wrong. I wanted to inspire people and make some money on the side, I wanted to get out of the job I got at my father’s bank and pull some strings in other fields. I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons now.”
Eddie, real name Edward Corinthian Parlour III, burst onto the always-wankable indie music scene in October 2007. His first band, ‘Chaos Under Fire’, released only seven minutes of music before splitting. He then went on to work under several different names including, ‘Never Gonna Make It’, ‘Struggling To Get A Deal’, ‘Losing Battle’ and ‘The Final Straw’, none of which cracked the UK top 40. This could, however, also be due to the fact that due to Eddie’s perfectionism he could never work with any other musicians for more than half a day before having an arguement.
“What can I say? I just like doing things the way I do them rather than the way other people do them, because they do them wrong.”
Over his entire “career” Eddie has spent more time in the tabloids than the charts, rehab and probably his own home. There was the famous cake wrestling incident outside Westminster Abbey, the ‘What Did Bob Geldof Ever Do For Me?’ festival in Hampstead Heath and of course his on-off affair with septuagenarian Countess Closey Chuzzwick.
The bitter news of Outrageous’ departure has been met with a decidedly silent response from everyone, which has more than likely something to do with the fact that nobody likes him and the only reason people put up with him is that they bought papers so that they could hate him some more. Let’s face it; if your entire career can be summed up in five very short paragraphs you’re not doing something right.
10 comments July 27th, 2009
This should have come sooner, but it didn’t. Technically it counts as two given that this is a blatant attack on both the spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus and the piece of sh*t show she stars in. For all those SBM purists out there I do apologise but it had to be done.
Where do we start? Hannah Montana shouldn’t exist. It does and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. Since appearing it has been capitvating naive little children for the last three years, sort of like High School Musical. I tried researching the show on Wikipedia to add fury to my flames and there’s nothing there. There’s no description of what actually happens, what the whole point of the show is. It merely talks about production, awards and how many series novelisations have been written. Put a little time aside to read the episode summary though, especially the episode where Hannah Montana entertains the Queen of Britain and her grandaughter. I can almost hear the rubbish English accents grating through the wind…
Ever heard ‘Achey Breaky Heart’ by Billy Ray Cyrus? It was because of him that line dancing took off, or so modern history books lead you to believe. From this came the child of Cyrus. If only Bill Hicks were here he’d know what to do. Aside from the whole pulling a face to insult the entire Chinese community of the world, aside from her baffling comments about same sex marriage, her music is a pile of f*cktards. Here’s some lovely lyrics from ‘Hoedown’ that you can all sing along to:
“Pop it, lock it, polka dot it, country-fy it, then hip hop it.
Put your hawk in the sky, move side to side, jump to the left, stick it glide.”
Put your hawk in the sky? Stick it glide? Clearly she’s never read a dictionary nor knows much about the English language. And people were sh*tting themselves about playing heavy metal records backwards in the 80’s. Backwards or forwards these lyrics don’t make sense at all. If I heard my son singing this I’d think he was having a fit.
Think about it kids; do you want to be represented by someone who has to dress up to gain popularity? As far as I can see the show seems to promote deception, lying and awful, awful music. There’s only one way forward. Kill her off and re-invent her as a cyborg from the future with a bandana and some Kraftwork covers. Hannah Bandana. Get it?
21 comments July 21st, 2009
Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)
Who are you? Cathy Partslammer
What’s the idea? Beef Rays
What is it? So often we try to enjoy beef or beef-based products as part of our busy modern lifestyle. But we are hampered by the difficulty of obtaining delicious beef. Once it has been extracted from the cows, it must be manhandled and jerrymandered before it arrives on our teeth. With Beef Rays, all that is in the past.
What does it do? The consumer Beef Ray takes up no more space in your kitchen than a washing machine or chest freezer. Plug it in, hook it up to your satellite dish and away you go. At the meat processing plant, beef is packaged and then transmitted via satellite live into your home. You simply select a channel on your Beef Ray receiver – diced, minced, roasting joint or entire cow – and it is beamed to you directly. You are billed an extortionate amount at a later date.
What are you gonna do about it? Nothing! Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)
7 comments July 20th, 2009
I have recently been informed that two astonishing new phrases have been immediately made up for the consumption of da beans website. They come aficionado and long-time sponsor Keveel De Heel, currently showing his work around the Northern shores of Italy.
Unfortunately due to his busy work schedule Mr De Heel didn’t have time to tell us what they meant so it has been thrown open to da beans community to establish their meanings. They are as follows:
Sponge Hammer
Cleaning out the fish bowl
Pet away! Pet away!
10 comments July 20th, 2009
As handsome a picture as any you’ll see in the calendar this year. I’m very pleased with this – we went to great lengths to get just the right shot and luckily it all paid off.
EEFY McJEEFY knows a few people in the Admiralty, so we got a knock-down rate of £18,000,000 to hire an aircraft carrier for a fortnight. We sailed it out to the Indian Ocean for just the right shade of blue water, then set it off towards the helicopter (which we stole in Madeira) at full speed. EEFY was up in the copter, lining up the shot, and on his signal I did a fabulous pirouette off the far side of the vessel. Dressed in a see-through nightie and the most fabulous string of pearls, the picture captures me in mid flight as I spin gracefully towards the water. The control tower completely obscures any view of me from EEFY McJEEFY’s vantage point.
A beautiful shot of a single moment in time, captured perfectly, I think you’ll agree. It’s definitely one of my favourites.
10 comments July 10th, 2009
Get up-a, get on up. Get up-a, get on up.
Arrive on the scene, at 3:15 (get on up).
Get up-a, get on up. Get up-a, get on up.
Come on the scene with a sparkling tureen. (James Brown – the early posh years).
Episode 7 – The Seventh Episode
After narrowly defeating the very un-PC and highly controversial Cex Machine in the previous episode, Vixen escapes with her now re-united boyfriend Bobby Paul for the weekend to a cabin hidden away in the mountains. What they wanted was time to themselves. What they got was something completely different. They would have gotten what they wanted were it not for the fact that Sir Chester Lester had placed a tracking device the size of a swollen bee in her handbag.
After a few convenient hours alone to lure the couple into a false sense of security the Mono Bots crash into the cabin leaving Vixen to go “all out” to ensure their safety. Knowing that their little haven is now a threat to their lives, and discovering the tracking device after looking for a spare chapstick, the two begin to make their way back into town under cover of darkness.
Bobby Paul is angry that their weekend away has been ruined by Vixen’s active social life and goes in a huffy fit on the passenger side. Before she has a chance to destroy his arguement with basic facts two Mono Bots jump out from under the dashboard. To make matters worse they are then forced to push Bobby Paul’s Nissan Cherry to it’s top speed of possibly 67 mph when a gigantic ball of yellow snow starts rolling towards them. Only a dramatic case scene could satisfy this situation!
… Twenty long minutes later the sun is seen rising over the mountains. At the bottom there is a wreck. The Cherry has lost three of it’s wheels. Vixen emerges from the carnage but where is Bobby Paul?
Someone will pay, and Vixen Hawk will be there to ensure a generous tip (of ass-kicking).
10 comments July 8th, 2009
Do you remember the days when our websites were just endless lists about things that didn’t mean anything?
Well, ours was I don’t know about yours. It was easy, it was simple, it was just plain fucking lazy let’s face it but every so often it doesn’t hurt to re-vist them for tear-stained nostalgia. So to honour another year of da beans’ existence let me present, in no particular order, the top five weird names from the Metro map I saw before going out tonight.
Drum roll please!
See? Don’t you wish we could all do lists and be happy?
12 comments July 7th, 2009
The human race was left stunned yesterday as it has been confirmed that the moon has filed a restraining order against the sun.
The moon, aka Carlos Vanderbeeter, faxed the paperwork to the local law courts in Liverpool, much to the bewilderment of the staff.
“We have no idea, not a clue,” said the Chief Magistrate Thomas Lockjaw, “it’s pretty much a case of WTF, possibly the biggest we’ve ever seen.” Mr Vanderbeeter claims that he is tired of the lewd comments and obscene gestures he receives from the sun, aka Carley Fern, on a daily basis and has demanded that she be moved with at least seven hundred and fifty thousand miles between the two stars to ensure that the alleged harrassment stops. In doing so though this could see the end of the human race as any alteration in the positioning of the sun could affect our planet’s temperature. That’s bad.
“I honestly don’t know what we will do if he wins. The only transport we have is a Fiat Uno. Have you ever seen a 2000lb car trying to move a 7.35 x 10 ^22kg mass?”
Yes. Yes I have.
In response to this Miss Fern has defended herself stating that the allegations from Mr Vanderbeeter are entirely fabricated and that she will be fighting them from all angles. The proposed hearing will take place next month at Liverpool Magistrates Court, with chubby school children standing in for both sides of the dispute.
6 comments July 7th, 2009
Mr. Cockall returns and interviews tomorrows geniuses (again using song)
Who are you? Geoff Cornbladder
What’s the idea? Stage Sluts
What is it? Today’s television needs a more updated approach to younger women, what they talk about and what is important in their lives. After a brief five minute survey with the lasses in my office it was decided that gigs are where women open up and discuss more. What we’re talking about is like ‘Loose Women’ for the 16 to 25s and with less haggered crones.
What does it do? It will be a beacon in a darkened room. What better way to feel smug about yourself than listen to some over-dressed, obnoxious little turds who are only concerned about shagging the lead singer of whatever band is on stage? It will be a huge morale boost for women everywhere. Fair enough the music scene may dip for a while but we’ll just have to hope that men batting for both sides will pick up the pace.
What are you gonna do about it? Nothing Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)
July 1st, 2009