Food Self Defence

July 25th, 2011

So you think you’re safe do you? You think you can handle this harsh, load-bearing world do you? Think you’re up to the test?

Most people in response to this question wouldn’t have been able to muster an answer; they would have fallen down onto their knees and cried into their lunch. Why they would be eating their lunch this late is anyone’s guess. The fact is that we all want to be tough and pretend to be tough but we’re not. What you need is someone watching your back and ding dang doodle noodle if that person isn’t yourself!

Yes. You are the best person to leap to your defence when you run into some trouble. So what will you use? Anything with a point will be confiscated from you as soon as you try to leave your house. You need something a little more nondescript, ┬ásomething that will blend in. Food is a good start, but which? Swordfish is too obvious. Eggs will sting but won’t hold back those would-be should-be probably-are attackers.

We start with the training wheels; Chupa Chups Lollies. Now I know what you’re thinking and yes, it is hard to cope with the stunning mix of looks and charm and wide legs. ┬áLollies are a perfect weapon. Take your hand and open the fingers then insert the round end of a Chupa Chups lolly between the fingers and close. Three instruments of pain are now yours to wield. Don’t bother using the stick ends because they’ll bend too easily. Smack someone in the face or arse or groin with those beauties and they won’t be getting up for breakfast.

Clap your hands. Lesson one over.

Entry Filed under: Ian,Think about it,Tragic

2 Comments

  • 1. Chris  |  July 29th, 2011 at 12:42

    I am clapping but you can’t hear me, unless you’ve put some sort of covert bugging device in my flat. That’s possible I suppose.

  • 2. Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver  |  August 2nd, 2011 at 23:07

    As long as someone is clapping somewhere then I will be better than a normal person.


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