You Gotta Be (Helping Me Out)

October 27th, 2011

Scratch that! Des is back, and she’s not going to drive you home because you drank too many bottles of Slate. She’s back with a renewed sense of idealism and a new contract, new parking space and a new apron. Yazz’s Help ‘Em All Hotline will continue taking calls for the moment however for now let us delve into the wonderful melee of hindrances and ailments plaguing the general public.

Let’s meet H-Hog D-Lemma. Then let’s meet Bobby Patches, who’s the one we should be speaking to:

Bobby Patches: Dear Des’ree, I live on a street with many competative people. All they ever seem to do is try to get one up on another and it’s doing my head in. So much so that I’ve decided to join in. I want to try and make my car the fastest but it’s only got a two litre engine. I bought it for £500.00 from Wench Iser, a local crook on the deadpan pony circuit, and it’s a good all rounder don’t get me wrong. Part of me wants to rev the shit out of everything though. I heard a rumour that the more spoilers you have on your car the faster it goes; is this true? Is there anything else I can do to crush those at my feet?

Des’ree: Life, oh life, oh life, oh life.

Helping others really gives me a good vibe you couldn’t knock with a baseball bat made of purest venom. It helps to feel this way during the cold months as otherwise we’d all be dry husks living on rusks waiting for dusk. Saliva has so many qualities does it? Pull the other one. Until next time everybody.

Entry Filed under: Loins