Face Hammers – A Novel Idea

February 5th, 2008

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)

Who are you? Crumbly Chinshanks

What’s the Idea? Introducing the amazing, FaceHammer 3000!

What is it? It’s not just a hammer… It’s a hammer you strap to your face!

What does it do? Have you ever been doing some DIY around the house? I dont know, say putting up a picture. Well picture the scene, you’re holding the nail against the wall with one hand, you’re drinking a pint of sherry with the other… How do you bang in the nail? Easy… FaceHammer 3000. Simply strap the FaceHammer 3000 around your face, stick on some appropriate heavy metal music, and head bang your way to hung picture glory.

So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

Entry Filed under: Loins

33 Comments

  • 1. Chris  |  February 5th, 2008 at 11:19

    I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE.

  • 2. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 5th, 2008 at 12:06

    I TOO COULD DO WITH SOME FACE HAMMER ACTION.

  • 3. Kevil  |  February 5th, 2008 at 12:07

    IS THIS GOING TO DECEND INTO ANOTHER SHOUTING THREAD?

    (Secretly hopes it will)

  • 4. Chris  |  February 5th, 2008 at 14:16

    GOOG GOD I HOPE NOT. ALSO, WELCOME TO THE COCKALL CLUB, HILL.

  • 5. Kevil  |  February 5th, 2008 at 14:18

    I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME I DID ONE.

  • 6. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 5th, 2008 at 17:04

    *piano melody, lovely and soothing*

    Good evening and welcome to the Cockall Club. We’re very accommodating to all our members so feel free to sit back and relax. You don’t have a thing to worry about

    *more piano. Really it’s just a box with a tape recorder in it*

  • 7. Chris  |  February 5th, 2008 at 18:07

    Ahhh, that’s so relaxing! What a change of mood!

  • 8. Kevil  |  February 5th, 2008 at 21:19

    I’ll have a port and brandy please bus boy.

  • 9. Chris  |  February 5th, 2008 at 21:43

    Are those cuban cigars, old boy? I’ll take two. Hurry up and bite the end off them.

  • 10. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 6th, 2008 at 07:53

    Bitty bitty bite bite!

    Poury poury pour pour!

    Changey changey change change!

  • 11. Chris  |  February 6th, 2008 at 19:24

    Gosh, these high-backed leather chairs are comfortable.

    You! Boy! Come here and kneel down so I can put my feet up for a bit.

    *puffs on cigar and warms feet by roaring log fire*

  • 12. Kevil  |  February 7th, 2008 at 10:01

    Come here boy… How dare that Marshall cretin use you as a footstool *puffs on cigar* don your face hammer at once and bludgeon him to death.

  • 13. Chris  |  February 7th, 2008 at 11:43

    No! Not I, sir!

    Not while there is still this stuffed moose’s head to mount. Get hammering at once.

  • 14. Poor Boy  |  February 8th, 2008 at 08:50

    Are you talking to me?

  • 15. Kevil  |  February 8th, 2008 at 10:22

    How dare you speak. Get out at once and send in your replacement.

  • 16. Chris  |  February 8th, 2008 at 12:17

    This insolence cannot continue. I am insulted to my core.

    *sets fire to Cockall Club*

  • 17. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 8th, 2008 at 14:02

    Woah, woah, lets just calm down and put out the small fires that appear to have taken most of the carpet in the second secondary lounge room.

    Just because a small five year old child is insolent doesn’t mean we have to destroy the very core of the ‘Cockall’.

  • 18. Chris  |  February 8th, 2008 at 23:35

    Yes it does! I am exceedingly irate!

    *torches the place once and for all, including that rather pleasant rolling ladder thing in the library*

  • 19. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 10th, 2008 at 18:05

    Not the pleasant rolling ladder thing! That cost me five pandas!

  • 20. Kevil  |  February 10th, 2008 at 21:54

    Don’t burn the stuffed moose heads either you ruffian. You Sir (marshall) will be expelled from the Cockall Club immediately. Get out sir…

  • 21. Chris  |  February 11th, 2008 at 12:33

    Bwa ha ha ha haaaa! Now you see my evil plan!

    *removes rubber face mask that was really convincing until now*

    For you see, I am none other than Dr Rombobulus Combobulation, sworn enemy of the Cockall Club!

  • 22. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 12th, 2008 at 08:13

    Ah chuff, that can’t be true! I saw you fall when we fought just after the Treaty of Lausanne (ah ah) was finalised on Tuesday 24th July 1923. You slipped on a kipper, fell into a barrel and accidentally fell out a plane!

  • 23. Chris  |  February 15th, 2008 at 15:26

    Dr Rombobulous Combobulation is never caught short. On that occasion I was wearing my patented Inflat-o-pants, so as I fell, I simply opened my fly, pulled the ripcord on my Y-fronts and parachuted to safety in a remote part of Switzerland, where I spent the next few months in hiding, posing as a simple peasant.

  • 24. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 15th, 2008 at 16:58

    That was you! But you brought me soup every night, with crusty rolls!

  • 25. Chris  |  February 15th, 2008 at 17:04

    I was merely biding my time until I could make my escape across the border into neighbouring New Zealand. There I built my secret lair, Rombobulous Combobulation Towers, from which I controlled the world’s super powers for the next forty years. Remember the cold war? That was me.

    Then one day in the early 70s I was speaking in confidence to Mao Tse Tung and Richard Nixon at the Cockall Club when it came to Evensong and not a man jack of the club’s awful staff had lit our fire. It was there and then that I vowed to one day destroy the Cockall Club and all it stood for.

    Bwa ha ha ha haaa! Again!

  • 26. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 18th, 2008 at 17:55

    I had trouble dispensing with Double Decker on that fateful night back in September, and I thought we were free of tyrany for the time being but I was wrong.

    How I wish I hadn’t thrown the spear of subtlety into the atmosphere.

  • 27. Kevil  |  February 18th, 2008 at 22:55

    Damn you Ian. How man times do i need to tell you to throw ‘the spear of bad guy deadness’ not the spear of subtlty. Fool.

  • 28. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 19th, 2008 at 11:59

    To the Mack Machine!

    *loads up into the Mack Machine and shoots off into the sky to deal with the terror now facing the planet, and all this from Chris acknowledging Kev’s achievements in the field of Cockall*

  • 29. Chris  |  February 21st, 2008 at 09:45

    Damn you MackMan! I’ll get you next time!

    *makes his escape in a large branded ‘Combobulation Inc.’ hot air balloon, never to be seen again…

  • 30. Kevil  |  February 21st, 2008 at 10:50

    Throws the Spear of Bad-Guy Deadness at the hot air balloon, which pierces the canopy, which collapses, which then catches fire, which becomes a big falling fireball, which hits the floor really fast, which sees off Dr Rombobulous Combobulation once and for all.

    * rues the day he showed ian the spear of subtlty *

  • 31. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 22nd, 2008 at 09:04

    *Feels as though his work here is done so tilts his head and squints with delight*

  • 32. Chris  |  February 22nd, 2008 at 22:48

    *Thinks this might be wide open for a sequel. Who knows what gadgets might have been in that hot air balloon?*

  • 33. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  February 23rd, 2008 at 11:09

    *Continues squinting, tries to think of a monologue to end the thread*


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