Demands

July 16th, 2008

Shut up. I’m in charge here and I demand the following. Pay some fucking attention.

  1. Cash
  2. Big car
  3. Holiday somewhere sunny
  4. Right smart lass
  5. The results of Kev’s picture competition
  6. A field of cows and someone to deal with them
  7. A helicopter
  8. A battenberg cake
  9. A less battered-looking box for my Father Ted box set
  10. Less fraying on the strap of my bag
  11. Somewhere to keep my nice pen
  12. Ready salted crisps in the cupboard instead of salt and vinegar
  13. Some ham
  14. A working magic 8-ball
  15. An extra four to six hours each day
  16. An end to hob nobs

The deadline for my demands is midnight on Tuesday. If any of the above requests are not met with complete and total compliance I will be forced to take action, possibly by aching tactfully.

Now jump to it!

Entry Filed under: Chris,Rants,Shut up

19 Comments

  • 1. Kevil  |  July 17th, 2008 at 08:10

    With the exception of number 5, I can see that working out quite well for you.

  • 2. Chris  |  July 17th, 2008 at 11:16

    Yes, I specifically designed it to be perfectly suited to me.

    Are you getting on with it? Come on, only five days left and I haven’t seen either of you making a start. That ham won’t buy itself.

  • 3. Kevil  |  July 17th, 2008 at 13:08

    No. 14: http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~ssanty/cgi-bin/eightball.cgi

  • 4. I-MAC  |  July 17th, 2008 at 13:50

    Not that I want to tell you what to do, erm sir, but surely you could sort out 8 – 14 by yourself?

    That would mean we’d have to sort the other ones though. In the year 4000 helicopters are as cheap as chickens, but chickens died out, so now they’re expensive again.

  • 5. Chris  |  July 17th, 2008 at 18:18

    Frankly, I don’t see why I should bother when I have lackeys such as yourself standing around idle.

    Now stop complaining and bloody well get on with it!

  • 6. I-MAC  |  July 18th, 2008 at 09:09

    Despite being able to process seven million applications at the same time I still think it will be difficult to adhere to your demands, seeing as you are not a Monarch, ruler or significant other.

  • 7. The Saint King  |  July 18th, 2008 at 09:10

    I’ll say…

  • 8. Chris  |  July 18th, 2008 at 18:23

    Not him again. How did he get in?

  • 9. Chris  |  July 21st, 2008 at 11:48

    Hmmm, less than 48 hours and no progress reports. I can only assume you’re both too busy assembling the things I demanded to reply.

  • 10. I-MAC  |  July 22nd, 2008 at 09:01

    I’m assembling a gigantic wooden badger to house all the thing inside. A few mormanites have been eyeing it up, and there’s a large crowd of witchies with burning broomsticks hanging around outside my warehouse, but I’m sure everything will be fine.

  • 11. Minion  |  July 22nd, 2008 at 12:19

    More manatees?

  • 12. Chris  |  July 22nd, 2008 at 12:33

    Excellent. We are now less than 12 hours from the deadline, and I’m looking forward to having a slice of battenberg while I fly my helicopter over the field of cows.

    Hurry up!

  • 13. I-MAC  |  July 24th, 2008 at 09:10

    MANATEE, SWEET MANATEE!

    The deadline has passed, will we be gurrotted?

  • 14. Chris  |  July 24th, 2008 at 09:17

    OK, that’s it. Where are all my things?

    Have you put them somewhere safe? Tell me so I can collect them.

  • 15. Kevil  |  July 24th, 2008 at 10:02

    They are under the third tree along in that field. You know the one.

  • 16. Chris  |  July 24th, 2008 at 13:49

    Ah yes, the field that has the world’s biggest tree in it, big enough to fit helicopters, whole fields of cows and a holiday underneath.

  • 17. I-MAC  |  July 30th, 2008 at 07:08

    We got planning permission from the Local Authority (big words) and extended it to the length of a holiday, just for you

    *surely he has to believe that*

  • 18. Chris  |  July 30th, 2008 at 10:43

    I’m impressed. I am currently sitting in my field, under the world’s biggest tree, enjoying all the things I asked for. Well done!

    I have to say I was quite surprised to find you’d really done it. From reading the replies here I suspected you’d all been slacking off and it was just a hoax. But I asked the wise man where to find this field and sure enough, there it all was!

  • 19. Ian  |  July 31st, 2008 at 09:09

    Use them well my friend.

    (And all was good in the world, narrated by Morgan Freeman)


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