Beans Health Report

April 7th, 2009

Greetings. Doctor Humphrey Bumfrey, MD, here. I have come to deliver a report on the state of Da Beans. My findings are as follows.

Slump in posting figures
The early days of Da Beans saw exceptionally high posting volumes, with up to 30 posts per month. In the last year this has tailed off. I used science and chemicals and that to find the following causes for the tailing off in posting volumes.

  1. Chris’s maudlin state of mind. Finding himself involuntarily in a much changed and confusing personal situation Chris was in no mood for hiliarity for large parts of last year, and found his creative mojo somewhat lacking.
  2. Kev’s business plan. Swapping his future career path at short notice from low-key IT professional to something modelled more on Sir Alan Sugar, Kev’s keen desire to flog bit of wire and plastic IT peripheral tat to the masses reduced the amount of time he could devote to the site.
  3. Something to do with Ian, though he’s a bit of a constant really isn’t he.

Recovery in postings

April 2009 has been one of the healthiest months on record so far and it is safe to say that Da Beans is now off the critical list, though it shouldn’t remove the bandages just yet. This graph (shown right, right?) shows how the red line has gone up from left to right over a period of time. Through psychic assistance and with a bold pioneering spirit within my heart I divined the following reasons.

  1. Chris’s increasingly upbeat posture mentally speaking.
  2. Kev’s guilt for not having been around much lately.
  3. Ian’s keenness to write new stuff, starting with bits and pieces of Beansness.

I am therefore delighted to award Da Beans a Certificate of Hooray Well Done. Congratulations!

Entry Filed under: Chris,Noos Flash,Quite nice,Shut up


  • 1. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  April 9th, 2009 at 00:06

    Four posts for April, including yours Dr Bumfrey, is a net gain for da beans all round.

    I just hope we don’t become as smug as the bald, Will Young lookalike on the Specsavers posters. If we do, well, we will have to take action.

  • 2. Chris  |  April 9th, 2009 at 09:49

    That man is the only person smugger than Kev so I don’t think there’s much risk for us two. But Kev should be careful. His smugness levels are off the scale normally anyway.

  • 3. Kevil  |  April 9th, 2009 at 10:09

    * mumbles incoherent insults *

  • 4. Chris  |  April 9th, 2009 at 12:48

    Indeed! Let it be writ large on a banner or something!

  • 5. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  April 12th, 2009 at 20:33

    Kev could never be as smug as that man. He’s not bald, he’s not advertising spectacles and he’s not on a poster. Clearly that is a net gain all round for Mr Head.

  • 6. Chris  |  April 13th, 2009 at 18:49

    But it says in the BOOK that he is the only thing smugger than Kev! It says so! Surely Mr Head’s smugosity is not so much lower than Smugman’s.

  • 7. Kevil  |  April 13th, 2009 at 19:42

    Right that’s it Switzerland is coming back….

  • 8. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  April 15th, 2009 at 08:02

    Then there’s only one thing, we will have to create something so smug that it will BLOW AWAY both the Smugster from Specsavers and the alleged smugness of Kevil.

    Let’s start with a hint of Tom Clarke…

  • 9. Chris  |  April 15th, 2009 at 12:18

    Add a slice of Jeremy Clarkson.

  • 10. Kevil  |  April 15th, 2009 at 12:45

    maybe add a dollop of cat?

  • 11. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  April 15th, 2009 at 17:11

    Thrust in a couple of Tom Cruises and Matt that guy who plays Rugby but thinks he can do everything else as well and should be shot…

  • 12. Chris  |  April 18th, 2009 at 21:19

    Woah there guys. Is there a substance that is capable of containing this amount of smugness? Some sort of granite test-tube lined with indifference that we can put it in?

    I don’t want to add the final scraping of Anne Robinson until we know we can restrain this hot mack.

  • 13. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  April 21st, 2009 at 07:33

    Is there any chance that Mr Hill, Science Person (who was the first person to taste his own mouth), could coagulate with Dr Humfrey Bumfrey and come up with some sort of chart? Or alloy? Or, as you said, that granny text-lube lined difference?

  • 14. Chris  |  April 22nd, 2009 at 11:51

    There is no chance. Dr Humphrey Bumfrey is in hospital with a case of chronic papercuts. No charting or alloyment for he.

  • 15. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  April 23rd, 2009 at 13:59

    Then tis down to Kev on his own.

    Are you up to the challenge?

  • 16. Kevil  |  April 28th, 2009 at 11:04

    I’ll give it a bash, i’ll just need a few supplies:

    1 x Hammer
    3 x Rubber Gloves
    14g of Uranium (unprocessed)
    12 x Jeremy Paxmans
    1x Mountain
    11 x Ghandies

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