Porktions

September 30th, 2009

Right ladies and gentlemen here we have a lovely piece of meat. There is no two ways about it this is a fine specimen of pork. It came from one of Prince Underhand-Overwood’s very own swines which, as you are all aware, are widely regarded as the world’s best pigs.

Hand-reared, Sussex-bred, swill-fed and R’n’B-raised Snorkers as he came to be known loved John Lee Hooker, early Who singles and most Northern Soul. Rarely was he seen without his trademark sunglasses and picturesque ironic porkpie hat.

Who will start the bidding at ten pounds?

Entry Filed under: Delicious,Gravy,Loins

18 Comments

  • 1. Chris  |  October 1st, 2009 at 07:31

    I will start the bidding at ten pounds. Ten pounds ten for this pig, sir.

  • 2. Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver  |  October 1st, 2009 at 08:12

    Ten pounds, excellent, from the monobrow at the back. Do I hear fifteen?

  • 3. Chris  |  October 2nd, 2009 at 15:19

    No, but I’ll bid another ten pounds ten. That’s twenty pounds twenty now. (Think I might win this because Kev is on holiday.)

  • 4. Kevil  |  October 4th, 2009 at 10:33

    Ha ha.

    I return at the crutial moment to bid £35 and a rain hat for this fine porcine specimin.

  • 5. Chris  |  October 4th, 2009 at 14:15

    No! I cannot let this happen!

    £42, a handful of jelly beans and a little heap of grass cuttings! The meaty goodness shall be mine!

  • 6. Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver  |  October 4th, 2009 at 22:04

    This is getting very interesting. It wasn’t interesting before but now that we’re approaching fifty poinds, well, I can hardly contain myself.

    Fetch a glass Reginald!

  • 7. Kevil  |  October 5th, 2009 at 09:43

    Never… I won’t allow it.

    I bid £63.82 plus, yes plus, 5 bags of marbles, 3 radiator covers and 9 lace doilies.

    That meat is mine.

  • 8. Chris  |  October 5th, 2009 at 11:48

    TEN THOUSAND PENCE!

    I will also include hand-made diagrams that I have specially produced, depicting the exact layout of an imaginary yacht, and also a pencil I just found on the table next to me.

    Delicious pork will be winging its way to me very shortly.

  • 9. Kevil  |  October 5th, 2009 at 12:28

    I cannot compete with such an offer. The money is no object, but the layout of an imaginary yacht is too high a price for me.

    The meat is your sir… Can I come round for tea?

  • 10. Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver  |  October 5th, 2009 at 13:59

    The meat is his when I say it’s his. We have had a telephone bidder eagerly listening and waiting for you, Kevil, to b*gger off so he can compete for the meat.

    He says… ten thousand pennies as well as three buckets and spades, a hat shaped like Elvis aaaaaaaaand a statue of Davina McCall if she was a peach.

  • 11. Chris  |  October 14th, 2009 at 09:51

    Pilth and fibble. I shall quash this insolence and the pork will be mine. Kev, in light of your gracious standing down, you are invited to dine upon this pork, should I win. But first to business:

    FIFTEEN THOUSAND PENNIES,
    A hosepipe, laid out on a playing field in the shape of Israel, filled end to end with gobstoppers,
    A handmade ticket for an imaginary railway,
    Charcoal sketches of a fictional luxury schooner,
    and

    AND

    A six pack of fromage frais.

  • 12. Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver  |  October 15th, 2009 at 08:10

    Little Stars or Petit Filous?

  • 13. Chris  |  October 15th, 2009 at 12:45

    Little Stars, obviously. Petit Filous doesn’t have the same HILARIOUS characterisation of stupid star things all over it.

  • 14. Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver  |  October 15th, 2009 at 13:38

    … look at me, look right into my eyes, right there, that’s it, keep in there, don’t move don’t breath don’t do anything…

    SOLD!!!!

  • 15. Chris  |  October 16th, 2009 at 12:58

    Yesssssssssssss!

    *victory jig*

    Porky times are heading my way!

  • 16. Ian  |  October 19th, 2009 at 08:16

    I’m… sure I commented on this one already but it appears as though the timespace continium thinks otherwise and it’s bully for me.

    Erm… well done!

  • 17. Kevil  |  October 19th, 2009 at 09:48

    What?? Who is this “Ian” who thinks he can waltz in and pretend to be our very own “Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver”?

    Now give Chris his pork and we can all have tea. Except Ian who wasn’t invited.

  • 18. Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver  |  October 19th, 2009 at 13:10

    F*cktard. What a f*cktard. Out with your sir, never darken our doors again.

    Honestly if you’re going to try and impersonate me then at least get the name right. Sheesh.

    Heeeeeere ieeeeeesssssssssss the pork!


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