User avatarBest Laid Plans

Every man has a dream.

The great thing about dreams is that they can be as big or a small as you would like them to be. As long as they are relatively realistic then achieving them is just about putting your mind to it.

A man came to me at the weekend and told me his dream. He said that what he wanted most of all was a small herd of goats to keep at the coast so that they could enjoy the sights, sounds and marvels that the English coast do so well, and that when he feels like a jaunt to Scarborough or Filey he can share the experience with those very goats. I told him that such a dream was easily obtained and that he should immediately set about putting his affairs in order.

When a man has a dream though sometimes it just doesn’t go far enough.

Having set about the events so that the man could have his coast goats I then pondered the idea myself and came to the conclusion that it wasn’t enough. It would be nice to have some goats hanging about in Whitby, waiting for me to take them through the whale bones and then across the bridge for fish and chips, but how about a little bit more? What if I had goats not only at the coast but across the whole country? What if I could stop in for a cup of coffee at Costa and high five a goat on the way out? What if a goat would tell me when the bus was running late, or pass me a small pot of porridge when I’m running late for work? It would cost a lot but what about coast-to-coast goats?

Of course I did not reveal my plans to the man because he might steal them as I had stolen his idea. As well as this, his original idea would be besmirched by my much better plans and I am not prepared to besmirch my fellow man. He will eventually learn of my objectives and he will have to come to terms with them as the rest of you mortals.

16 comments to Best Laid Plans

  • Once again, I look at you and be inspired.

    I herewith propose that the government sets about a programme of nationwide public-sector provision of goats forming blanket coverage across the land. All men will encounter and interact with goats wherever they roam, at no cost to themselves, for the good of the nation.

  • Kevil

    You idea stealing bastard. However, I do like the idea of a goat in IKEA, just standing by the Billy bookcases with one of those paper tape measures in case I need one.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    For the good of the nation; that’s what the posters will say.

    Not only that Kevin but each shopper will have an individual goat follow them round, carrying the tape measure and the pencils, holding little items like cups on their heads. How’d you like them apples?

  • Would there be any advantage in giving people the option of either access to the National Goat Service or their own personal goatee?

    Those who choose a part-face beard could thus be excluded from the NGS, on the basis that they already have a personal goat attached to their head, reducing costs overall.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    What an excellent idea. Too much goat can be a bad thing and we wouldn’t want to exert too much pressure initially when it’s still in the early stages.

    I think discounts for goatherders should be implemented but anyone caught singing ‘The Lonely Goatherd’ should be excluded immediately.

  • Kevil

    Would you be allowed to goad the goats into doing other tasks, or would they have assigned jobs?

  • I think gentle goat goading would be permissible, but those using the NGS should be respectful of the fact that the goats are a public facility and principally intended for general goating. Those who need a greater quantity of goattention should consider investing in their own horned ruminant.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Goattention can be measured on a sliding scale and those who feel as though they require more can always talk to GAS (Goat Advisory Service) for further information.

  • Those people perform such a vital service. It makes me proud just to think of them.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I know, and the fact that all of this became because I stole someone else’s idea just makes me brim like a wide hat. Who would have thought that people required 24hr advice about goats? How did nobody see a gap in the market prior to this?

  • Alan Sugar saw a gap in the market. But he tried to fill it with his weird email telephone thing and that’s why the gap was still ripe for you to slide in their with your goat proposal.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I’ve never heard of a weird email telephone thing but this article filled in a few gaps:

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2001/10/02/amstrad_ceo_resigns_over_sir/

    I have a child that could email things and I think it’s slightly cheaper to run. I think with enough training we could easily get goats to do the same thing. Ha, that’s one in the eye for you whoever is listening who isn’t Chris.

  • Kevil

    Me? One in my eye? Is that neccessary? You already stole my idea.

    I spoke to the GAS about my goattention needs and they just fobbed me off and said i had to speak to the Regional Excellent Goat Informatiom Service (REGIS), Thats the problem with these government services, what starts of simple rapidly gets out of control.

    Anyone had any dealings with REGIS? When I treid to find their website it was just a load of recepies for Goat Curry.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Exactly. One in the eye for you, sunshine. Just because I got there first and patented the idea.

    I believe that goat curry is an excellent delicacy and enjoyed in various parts of the country.

    Are you sure that this REGIS is an official part of the scheme? Did you take the name of the person you spoke to?

  • Perhaps you need to take your case to the Goat Ombudsman Service who can hold the relevant parties to account.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I think it’s called the Goat Ombudsgoat Service.

    You can find the number somewhere on the website or pick up a receiver and bleet into it for a direct contact with GHQ.

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