Category: Business

Avatar Chair finder

The sun was out. The weather was fine. What a lovely day for a drive (and various other old man things).

As I pondered these thoughts my eyes started scanning the horizon line for something to catch my attention. There’s always something out there:

  • Simply Dutch – the home furniture shop in Northallerton that I always see when driving home to Leeds and still in 2023 have yet to visit (possibly always has a sale)
  • The Amazon Depot (around the County Durham area on the A1) – you can see it a mile away, the greyest, dullest building you’ve ever seen. It’s about as fun-looking as a machete through the face
  • Any sign with the village name ‘Shilbottle’ on it – if you know, you know

I was almost home driving North on the A1 when I came across a sign that I hadn’t seen before. There was no chance for me to take a photo so I made a mental note of the name and decided to come back to it later.

When later came about, after putting it to the back of my mind, I decided to see if I could find it. I expected to have it buried under a bunch of similar-sounding business names or other things. It shows what I know. Top o’ the list it was:

Chairs – Chair Finder

Chair Finder is an antiques store in Durham (and to a lessor extent London). They believe every chair as its own character and story to tell. They also have a range of curated interior pieces that they find along the way and simply cannot resist. Not only can you peruse a bunch of chairs but you can also get your nose into a other acquisitions such as stone owls and paintings of men riding donkeys. It’s a plethora of things to delight the senses. No wait, the donkey rider has sold. You’ll have to make do with the ‘Portrait of an English gentleman’ instead.

Now whenever I hear the name I can’t help but add ‘general’ to the end of it so it sounds more like Witchfinder General. There are a bunch of dangerous, drooling men scouring the world, ready to offer you good money for your chairs. They’ll take them away and make them look better or whatever it is antique people do. Something involving Pledge? Maybe.

If Chris had looked on Chair Finder maybe he wouldn’t have spent seven hundred years trying to find the foot rest, foot stool, foot hanger (?) that he needed to match his chair. They would have sent him one in a few hours. He could have saved himself a boatload of trouble.

Perhaps you’re in need of some chairs. Perhaps you need the guidance of a more experienced pair of hands. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help and if you can find them maybe you can hire the Chair Finder.

Avatar I.D.T.A.B.F.A.B.B.O

Observation. Observation is key when considering the details of modern life. You might “see” something on your way to work or on your way out of the house but are you really “observing” it?

Luckily even with the downgrade shortly after the Covid pandemic, I still have plenty of eyes with which to keep tabs on things happening around me. When the economy picks up again I hope to install some more eyes, maybe something European. I would look tip top with a pair of mirar ojos or regarder yeux. Something classy, you know?

Whenever I visit home, I usually walk the same ways up and down main street; round the back streets, through the car park on Barley Hill road and out past the path between the cobblers and the firm of solicitors on the corner, then on the way back straight down the main road (but not in the middle of it, that would be silly). I have walked this way hundreds of times and you would have to be an unobservant fool to not see the dance school opposite the car park.

I have seen this place and yet it is only recently that I observed the sign advertising it. There are in fact two, one over the doorway and one on the side of the building. Both signs are almost identical apart from a full stop. Why would a full stop be so important you ask? The accreditations of the dance school are why it’s so important.

I am no dancer. If you see me dancing you’ll wish you hadn’t. I don’t know a pirouette from a monestary. Are they dance moves or names of clowns? Who knows. The sign on the side has three sets of acronyms but the one on the front, at first glance, has only one: I.D.T.A.B.F.A.B.B.O. That’s one long qualification, I thought, and what the hell could it stand for? Ten words? Are these dance people mad? I looked a little closer and saw that it was actually two acronyms: I.D.T.A and B.F.A.B.B.O.

Are they having a laugh? Imagine having that printed on your business card and having to explain what it stood for. Having done a bit of research I believe the sign on the side is the correct one because I.D.T.A (International Dance Teachers Association), B.F.A (Batchelor of Fine Arts) and B.B.O (British Ballet Organisation) are all legit. From a quick look on Google Maps though this one was put up first which begs the question why did they then print a second sign that was incorrect?

If I get close enough will the rogue full stop turn out to be a giant spider? I wish I had taken a photo because there are no photos of the sign on the internet and I sound like another crazy person talking about something that may or may not exist. I guess I will have to wait until my next visit to solve this mystery (not a mystery).

UPDATE (02/08/2023): since writing this post I have done some digging and with a little help have managed to obtain these up-to-date photos of both signs.

My memory was totally wrong about the BFA. It was, however, correct about the full stop. The top picture is the side sign and the bottom is the one on the front which has that extra full stop making it look like a mega qualification.

Avatar Newsboost – Mash gets another helping hand

Mash mania continues to spread across the United Kingdom after yet another mash-related announcement courtesy of fashion and textile guru Laura Ashley who revealed that there would be a stunning ensemble as part of their Autumn line-up.

Four distinct sets of unique furniture are set to be released around September 2023 each centred on the idea and philosophy of mash. Although no images have been provided to the press yet, we do have the following details:

Set 1 – The Comf

A beautiful and timeless set piece. Three extra large armchairs all able to accommodate either one person luxuriously or two people comfortably. The daring absence of a sofa is only complimented further by the chrome caster feet and Atherton pale natural fabric. Whether you’re young at heart or feeling your age, you’ll feel fantastic in the Comf. Available in four distinct colours: beige, white, pale yellow and light grey.

Set 2 – The Stern

Taking furniture seriously is what we do and there is nothing more serious than The Stern, two medium-sized sofas adorned with style and substance. Straightened orthopaedic back support, claustrophobic right angles and very little cushioning, you’ll feel “it” as soon as you enter the room. The Gloucester button back style will turn heads. Available in four dazzling colours: white, pale yellow, light grey and beige.

Set 3 – The Playful

If you’ve got a modern family then you need a modern sofa to accommodate everyone. The Playful has got you covered with a generous eight-seater sofa and two mock-tabulous armchairs. The end of the sofa has a tiny helter skelter which leads down into a ball pool for the little ones. The chairs can be readjusted and attached to the side of the sofa to make it even bigger, similar to a series of toys that are more than meet the eye but cannot be referenced here for legal reasons. Available in four scintillating colours: “whacky” yellow, “ambiguous” grey, “fun” beige and “joyous” white.

Set 4 – The Druid

Minimalistic and harsh, yes, but also leading the pack in terms of fashion. This limited edition singular armchair is for the keen collector. Made out of 300lb of solid mash, the Druid will take you on an adventure that you’re probably not ready for. Bolstered by the Anneliese Natural-esque padding of the mash and small release number of only 100, you will need to be quick to get your greasy mitts on this standout entry. Available in one colour: mash.

The more we read the more everything sounds so delicious. Pre-orders for the new items will be available shortly after the unveil in September so keep posted for more news.

The British Mash Council (BMC) are yet to comment although we expect them to be brimming with glee.

Avatar Your comfortable life

The other week we put our bin out as usual. The black bin, which is recycling, and not the green bin, which is landfill. I would like to meet the person who chose that colour scheme and ask them why they have to take their problems out on the rest of us.

Anyway, we put it out, and when the binpeople had done their thing, we brought it back in. Except now it had a lid that didn’t work properly – it was attached only at one side and flapped around in an unhelpful manner when you tried to open it.

Luckily there’s an easy fix. Amazon will sell you new hinge pins for wheely bins, and for reasons I don’t fully understand it will sell you a pack of eight. Who needs to repair that many wheely bin hinges all at once?

When the new plastic things arrived I opened the pack and fitted one, which resolved the bin problem. I then noticed the label on the packet.

“QOPAHI”, it said, this being the sort of mindless collection of letters that makes up every brand name on Amazon these days. “Enjoy your comfortable life”.

Thanks, Qopahi. I will.

Avatar Business balloon update

After careful consideration, I have decided that perhaps my first effort of Chris wafting into Europe with his business ideas was not completely on point meaning that a revision was on the cards.

I have therefore gone back and drafted a whole new version to unleash upon those unsuspecting Europeans. Boy, they don’t know what’s about to be shoved up their viso / voltos.

I feel as though I have got the likeness that was lacking in Chris version 1.0 and with the inclusion of a monobrow and a more jovial facial expression I have addressed the criticisms of comments past.

What’s left then is to bask in the joys of my efforts before the balloon can set sail in the morning.

Avatar Newsboost – Mash gets a helping hand

Breaking news!

The push for mash has reached a new level of excitement today as Aston Villa football club announced that mash would be their new sponsor for the 2023/24 season.

Current sponsor BK8 were left “baffled” at the prospect of being dropped for a popular potato-based food product. It seems as though despite their initial talks to continue for the next three years, Aston Villa manager Unai Emery decided to opt for the underdog after revealing he has a fondness for mash in a recent interview earlier this year.

In the January 2023 edition of GQ magazine, Mr Emery said, “I love it, I love the taste and the texture, the different ways you can season and flavour it, the way it looks on your plate after a hard day’s training, the fact that you can shape it into anything you want. It is such a versatile thing that I insist on mash at least three or four times a week and my wife knows that if I have had a difficult day then mash is the one thing that will bring a smile to my face.”

The British Mash Council (BMC) had this to say about the recent development.

“I am not surprised in the slightest,” said head council member Kevin Hill, “mash has always been popular but it’s time to step it up to the next level. Knowing that every week the good word of mash will be seen on millions of TV sets, seen my millions of eyes, brings joy to all of our hearts.  Mr Emery has also expressed an interest in serving mash at the home games and who are we to argue with someone with great taste?”

When asked about the rumours of changing the team’s name to Mashton Villa, both Unai Emery and the British Mash Council responded with a firm, “no comment.” Only time will tell if further changes are afoot for this historic moment in football and mash history.

Avatar Please note (a rebuttal)

Hello patrons of ‘Sleazy like a Sunday Morning’ (Nantwich).

We would like to thank you for your years, months, weeks or even minutes of patronage. Every time you walk through that door you help me and the girls out such a great deal.

You may or may not be aware that we have recently had a refurbishment and changed certain parts of the club to bring everything more up to date, an aesthetic sheen that hasn’t been seen since the turn of the century. I loved the previous look but I wanted to show a different side to Sleazy’s. After a few meetings with the business partners we decided on two very different looks: one that was modern, sleek and sexy and the other that was sexy, old, and gothic.

The dancefloor and booths are still there, you need not worry. They have been deep-cleaned and bleached to within an inch of their lives. Voice-activated sensors have been added to the toilets so when you say, “flush” the urinals will flush. The bar stools have had a new height of seat added to them (big high!) for those who are vertically-challenged.

The extension at the back, however, is where the temperature has really been cranked up. Have you ever had fantasies about being a knight, a jester or even a king in medieval England? Now you can indulge as much as you want in ‘Ye B-olde England’, the sexiest thing to come out of Nantwich since Thea Gilmore started writing music. We have everything: ale, shouting, stripping, girls, mead, laughter, outfits, dysentery, ornamental owls, women, private parties, stocks and much, much more. If you really want to prove your worth then you need to pick up your sword (not a euphemism) and try to slay the Slaggon™, a mechanical dragon who is giving out everything as long as the price is right. I have built everything myself and I stand by my efforts and the choice of my customers to do what they like (within reason) for a reasonable price.

What I will not stand for though is theft. I have recently discovered that the sign for our new event has been stolen by one of those themed restaurants in the neighbouring town of Crewe. They deliberately took our sign, knowing that it was the wrong one, to drum up interest for their business. They made up some phoney baloney story about being sent the wrong sign to curry favour and get more punters through the door. I hear that they’re doing a roaring trade as a result of this. To begin with I was nice about it and requested the sign be returned only to be met with indifference and mild threats.

The Slaggon™ does exist, and she is ready to take you on whenever you’re ready, but only at my establishment. I want you to know that personally, therefore I take the time to reiterate the following:

  • You can hire the Slaggon™.
  • You can ride the Slaggon™.
  • You can take the Slaggon™ out to your uncle’s pub, which is only a few miles away, and do what you like as long as you pay the dry cleaning fee afterwards.

The sign is yet to be returned. For now let us all have a drink, maybe a dance, and hope that it will be returned. It is, after all, the principle of the matter more than anything else. Cheers!