User avatarChimneys

It’s one of the big unsolved questions of the 1990s. What’s she going to look like with a chimney on her? The Tamperer featuring Maya plaintively asked this question over and over again in their number one hit “Feel It” but to no avail. Nobody could answer the question.

Fortunately, the dark days of the 90s are behind us and modern science can finally offer an answer to this seemingly impossible conundrum.

We can now proudly present the answer to the question, and show you (and the Tamperer featuring Maya) exactly what a whole range of women are going to look like with a chimney on them.

Shaznay Lewis with a chimney on her
Here’s Shaznay Lewis from All Saints with a chimney on her. “Feel It” by the Tamperer featuring Maya knocked All Saints’ double A-side “Under the Bridge”/”Lady Marmalade” off the number one spot, so it’s only right that the pop stars who were toppled by this important question about chimneys will be the very first to showcase what they will look like with a chimney on them.

Gina G with a chimney on her
Australian pop sensation Gina G will look like this with a chimney on her. This picture immediately demonstrates the value of asking what someone will look like with a chimney on them, because the masonry will not be located in the obvious place, and Gina G will take the unusual step of having it fitted to her ass.

June Whitfield with a chimney on her
And finally, here’s June Whitfield with a chimney on her. A smaller, more refined chimney suits June’s look, and she will almost certainly wear it high on her head and at a slightly rakish angle, suggesting a self-deprecating wit to her ensemble. Oh, June!

18 comments to Chimneys

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Is there a website where you can make requests for lady celebrities to wear chimneys? I’ve often wondered how journalist Nina Nannar would look with a chimney on her.

  • No. You need to look it up in a catalogue and phone a Freefone number to make your request, and then send a cheque. Apparently it’s going to be automated soon using VideoPlus+ numbers. It’s a nineties thing.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Ah, I was hoping to use my Access card. I suppose a cheque will have to do, unless they’ll accept coins sellotaped to the back of a piece of cardboard?

  • Yeah, they take that, but you’ll need a lot and the postage will be very dear.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I best get me Video Plus remote out then (waaaaaaay!)… what?

    You know what I like the most about this post? It’s just so current, so now.

  • Yeah, well, you know me. I’m always right on the fashions. Other people write about stuff that’s basically irrelevant, but I’ve got my finger on the pulse of pop. Wheeeeey! (What?)

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You’re so right. All this other twaddle means absolutely nothing. I’m re-evaluating my life right now.

    I mean what would I look like with a chimney on me?

  • It’s a good question, but unfortunately back in the 90s it was only women with chimneys on them whose appearance was questioned, and science has not yet progressed to a point where we can begin constructing the likely appearance of hairy men like you with chimneys on them.

    You need to get a Europop group to make a song asking what you’d look like with a chimney on you, and then wait about 20 years.

  • Elena....

    What would I look like with a chimney on me?

  • That’s a tall order. I don’t like waiting. I think I’m going to invest in a time machine to speed the process up.

    If I don’t get to see what I look like a chimney on, Miss Wolfson, I think it’s only fair that we all go without 😛

  • It might be a tall order if it’s a tall chimney. If the chimney’s quite stubby then the order will probably not be so tall.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I see your logic there and I see you two stubbly chimneys.

    (yes!)

    (#winning)

  • If I had a chimney on me it would definitely be stubbly. It would have an awful lot of face.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    No more chimney game. How about a Chinley game?

    It doesn’t matter what you have on you, you always have a lot of face.

  • I think Gina G’s chimney needs re-pointing (fnar fnar)

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    And you should know given your expertise in general renovations about the house. I remember when you would re-point yours every hour. Ah, smashing times.

  • I think it’s rude to point at or point out a lady’s pointing. Better to quietly slip them a subtly worded note.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Kevin hasn’t stopped writing to Gina G since ‘Ooh Aah… Just a Little Bit’ first slammed up the charts in 1996.

    A little known fact; he’s never received a single response to any of his correspondence. Must be the eyelashes and toenail clippings he keeps sending.

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