User avatarChoose Your Own Adventure – Bean’s Edition

You awake in a large room. You don’t have a pillow under your neck so it has that stiff feeling that takes a couple of hours to disappear.

There is nobody else in the room except you and a large red button on a table in the middle. With no idea where you are nor what you are doing there you have no choice but to press the red button.

In doing so a loud voice begins to talk through the small hatch in the ceiling. Yes, it’s a small hatch: “GOOD MORNING ADVENTURER. YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO EMBARK ON A MIGHTY QUEST, THE DETAILS OF WHICH WILL BE EXPLAINED SHORTLY BUT FIRST… YOU MUST CHOOSE YOUR COMPANION…”

The wall immediately in front of you reveals four separate containers containing four separate people. You walk forward to look closer at the individuals and are shocked and surprised to see:

1. Jimmy Somerville circa 1986 – ‘Don’t Leave Me This Way’ has just reached number 1 in the charts so he is giddy as a kipper. He is clutching a signed photo of Sarah Jane Morris and holds a portable microphone in his belt.

2. Patrick Stewart – dressed as Danger Mouse. Whilst he may not have the same prowess he commands on the stage he can still kick yo ass if you cross his path. He has a mace covered in blood strapped to his back.

3. Glenn Hoddle’s mullet – fresh off the back of his thrilling football career in Tottenham Hotspur and his number 12 hit with Chris Waddle, this mullet has seen more action than a revolving door. It’s nicely permed at the top and smells minty fresh.

4. Blossom – not the actress Mayim Bialik but the character ‘Blossom’ from the 90’s TV series ‘Blossom’ about some girl called ‘Blossom’. She’s a teenager so she’s concerned more about boys and, I dunno, spots but she’s also got a ton of brains and can offer you fashions tips.

You can only choose one; which companion do you choose?

17 comments to Choose Your Own Adventure – Bean’s Edition

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    “YOU HAVE CHOSEN PATRICK STEWART DRESSED AS DANGER MOUSE!”

    The voice disappears as the glass shrinks into the ground leaving you with your new companion. Patrick Stewart greets you warmly and shakes your hand, winking with the eye not covered by his eyepatch.

    “… OH WHY NOT,” the voice announces, “YOU MAY TAKE THE MULLET AS WELL!” Glenn Hoddle’s mullet hops towards you and sits on your shoulder.

    “YOU MUST CHOOSE A QUEST: (1) RESCUE THE MAGICAL CHEEKY CHAFFINCH, (2) SEEK THE TIME-TRAVELLING ROLL-ON or (3) JOIN HULK HOGAN ON HIS BOAT DETECTING ADVENTURES.”

  • 3!

    (Who is Bean? Does he mind us using his edition?)

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You shuffle through a side door and meet Hulk Hogan next to a clapped out old car. He shakes your hand vigorously and displays all the charm and grace he is known for. Hogan is looking for the Monster Shrew, a luxury yacht stolen a couple of days ago. You can either (1) check out the pier up North, (2) inspect the warehouses down South or (3) stop for lunch at a quaint French bistro.

    (Yeah he’s cool with it.)

  • Elena....

    3.

  • Kevil

    YAY! New people!

  • Elena....

    Sorry, bit late to the party!

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    (You’re not late to the party, you were merely taking your time putting your coat in a safe place. No apologies required)

    Hogan pours you your second glass of Baroli Nebbiolo as the waiter brings the main courses. After the chausson du fromage de chevre and moules a la mariniere you felt a bit stuffed but once you catch the scent of the brochette d’agneau a la greque your stomach finds a hole large enough to accommodate the approaching food. Patrick Stewart has finished a bottle of Veuve Clicquot by himself and snores uncomfortably in his seat, turning as the sunlight hits his eyelid and eyepatch. The mullet has disappeared, presumably to find entertainment underneath the table to your right with the two middle aged dowagers, sniffing napkins and giggling about potatoes.

    The plate is put down in front of you. Hogan takes one look at his supreme de volaille and throws it on the floor. He stands and goes for the waiter but you manage to position yourself between the two. Boy, is he pissed off. You have to suggest something quickly: (1) pretend to be members of the Food Standards Agency, (2) pass him a drink laced with a sedative to calm him down or (3) punch someone at the opposite table to start a riot.

  • 1!

    (Have you been googling French cuisine?)

  • Elena....

    (You should’ve gone for 3, Chris. Totally what would’ve happened in a state of panic! It’s Hulk Hogan, you should be panicking!)

  • (I resent the fact that you think I couldn’t come up with all those French cuisine names myself, sir. That’s just rude.)
    (Unfortunately I must take the first answer, Miss Elena, but 3 was a good choice too)

    You whip out a card and briefly flash it in the waiter’s eyes, hoping that he doesn’t catch sight that it’s actually a library card and nothing to do with the FSA. In a short space of time you have the whole of the bistro’s attention as you waft your arms hither and thither, threatening to “tear the place in two” if any consequences should occur as a result of your friend’s actions. Hogan nods nonchalantly, noting his mistake and sullenly drags his sorry ass out the door. You hear a slurping noise at your feet and remember to pick up the mullet before backing out of the exit, picking up some mints on the way out.

    In the commotion you have to leave Patrick Stewart behind and are unable to use his Dangermouse powers for three go’s.

    The afternoon is not panning out as expected and Hogan looks like a flaccid balloon; you need to cheer him up pronto. Do you (1) drive to the country to tip some cows, (2) take him to the creepy old funfair down by the pier or (3) go and buy him a spare vest so he can tear his off, Hulkamania style.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    The funfair is unusually lively for this time of the day, given that it’s been derelict for the last 8 years (very precise). It seems as if a bunch of unruly teenagers have broken in and are having their wicked way as there are endless trails of silly string and, oh I dunno, what do teenagers have these days… yoghurts. Trails and trails of yoghurts. In fact, they may be the very reason why there has been a dearth of yoghurts in the area for the last six months. There’s no way you’re cheering up Hogan any time soon, so what do you do?

    Do you (1) break in and take them out one by one, (2) turn around and take a brisk walk along the waterways and possibly enquire about a barge holiday or (3) put on some disguises and pretend to be Daphne and Celeste to scare them away?

  • I don’t think Ian heard you. Maybe we need to shout.

    THREE.

  • Elena....

    I don’t think I want to shout at Ian. The man wants to run me over!

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    (I thought it was a nice gesture. The way to get to know someone is to put them in hospital, or have I been wrong all these years? You tell me)

    It’s a bit of a stretch but you just about fit into the star spangled banner top and ginger wig. You wouldn’t fool your mother but it’s enough to get by. Even more disturbing is the denim top and short skirt combo that Hogan is currently displaying. You have to look away because otherwise the brochette d’agneau a la greque from lunch, along with a selection of its mates, is going to make a reappearance.

    You are adamant that the best way to disperse the teenagers is with a full on blast of ‘Ooh Stick You’, chorus on repeat at the tops of your voices. Hogan, however, is a bit partial to ‘U.G.L.Y.’ and has it on an i-tunes playlist, ready to belt out at the touch of a button. The mullet looks at you both with a sad look in his mulletness, as if to imply that he hates the fact that their stimulating cover of ‘School’s Out’ by Alice Cooper never gets a look in these days. You’ll only get one shot at this due to the lack of general attention span from the youths, but which one do you pick?

    (1) Ooh Stick You, (2) U.G.L.Y. or (3) School’s Out?

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