User avatarDear Beans… Film Theme Face Focus

Dear Beans,

It has recently been brought to my attention that most cinemas in the UK and, indeed, the world only show a selection of the most recent movies committed to celluloid. And that’s as far as they go. There are no plans to stretch beyond this very limited approach to mass exposure, that is until I had a brainwave last night.

What the world needs now is a new kind of cinema. What it needs is for someone to bring something fresh to the table. I think you can see where I am coming from yet for those who still need a massive hint look no further than the next paragraph:

FACE CINEMA

Yes, suck deep and bathe on that. It’s the next logical step up from the ‘face updates’ that have started to appear online. You should not have to settle for just a couple of photos of your face, you should be able to display fully three dimension renderings of your viso/volto for everyone to see for a competitive price. In my vision, the multiplexes of the past are replaced with modern technology, one that is activated using face scans to open doors and serve popcorn. You’ll then walk through the corridors to the main rooms where my huge face hangs above you, a towering man-sized face for you to gawp and view with as many pairs of your eyes as you have.

We can even incorporate special events where people spend ludicrous amounts of money to have their own face displayed for a limited time, but the majority of the time it will be my face that will get all the attention.

I think a cool three mil will be enough to get it started. Can you please pass this around and hand me the hat full of cash over the weekend.

Yours conceivably

James D. Titan
Attorney at Law

7 comments to Dear Beans… Film Theme Face Focus

  • I spent the weekend wafting a flat cap under the noses of everyone I met, but have only raised 15p so far, and that was from a bloke who thought I was going to do some busking and turned slightly violent when I explained that I’m not at all musical. The main thing I heard back from people is that they’d pay a fortune to see your face, but none of the particularly wants to see Jimmy D Titan’s face up there, and who can blame them. So it looks like your attorney at law is barking up the wrong tree with this one. If only you’d proposed your own face instead of his. Never mind.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I think he jumped the shark a little. Being an attorney is one thing but you have to know where you face is in the grand scheme of things otherwise you look like an ass, which is what he’s done here.

  • I think the fact that his face looks like an ass is the main reason people don’t want to see it on a cinema screen.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I only he can learn from this experience. I might write a best seller about it.

    Ass Face Ass – A True Story.

  • I only he can too.

    If that’s the standard of writing you’re pumping out these days, it might be your best book yet. By which I suppose I mean the most flammable.

  • Is Jimmy D. Titan you secretary too now? I’m not sure I’m happy with him posting willy-nilly to the beans in your name, without your say so. Who knows what sort of unfettered nonsense he could be about to come out with. Cinema sized faces are all well and good, but where will it lead? House sized cats? Boat shaped llamas? Pah!

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    He came to me with his problem and I felt so sorry for him that I gave him the details of ‘Dear Bean’ to write to.

    I would appreciate a boat-shaped llama. Do they do them in bulk?

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