User avatarDear Beans… My Car Is Cursed!

Dear Beans,

I have a problem I need your assistance with.

As previously mentioned in a previous post, I haven’t been driving very long. Even so I attempted to remember how to correctly to perform the reverse bay park manoeuvre and it kept me awake last night for at least 25 minutes. I think I got it in the end. That is not my concern though. What concerns me is the alarming rate of ambulances that I come across when driving in my car.

I don’t think I would be exaggerating by saying that every single journey to and from work I come across an ambulance, whether just driving around or pushing its way through traffic with its sirens blaring. In fact, it is a common occurrence that when driving with Reuben we are more inclined to see the latter, which brings us to the obvious conclusion that my car is in some way cursed. “How can it be cursed,” I hear you say, then I wonder how I can hear you when my hearing has been damaged for the last 16 years or so.  The fact is I can’t hear what you say so I’m pretending that I can.

Do I have a cursed car? How else would you explain it? Whether or not my vehicle is directly affecting the mortality rate in the North East, it’s still particularly worrying that one is constantly in my rear view mirror. There are days when I ponder whether to take public transport instead to avoid the consequences of my actions. I don’t want to be responsible for accidents, for deaths, for common misdemeanours ending in tragedies. If all of this is on my head then what should I do? Would the same thing happen if I had a different car, or a different vehicle altogether?

Please offer your advice in a thrilling manner.

Kind regards

Ian “Mac Mac Mac Mac – Adam – Liam – Neil” McDougal

20 comments to Dear Beans… My Car Is Cursed!

  • The only logical explanation is that you’re mowing down pedestrians at a shocking and tragic rate, and the frequency with which you see ambulances is simply a reflection of the amount of innocent blood you’re spilling.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Am I doing it subconsciously, because for the life of me I don’t remember doing it. Do old cars have a filter where you don’t see the people you’re slaying?

  • Yes, a lot of them do. In the past, attitudes to mowing down pedestrians in their hundreds were much more relaxed than they are now.

  • Elena....

    Mowing pedestrians gets you extra points. More points than mowing down domestic animals anyway.
    I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I see, I see.

    This points-based scoring system was not mentioned during my driving test, nor was it mentioned in any of the literature in the run up to my practical. Might you be able to furnish me with the details?

  • Elena....

    Children: -10 points.
    Cats and Dogs: 5 points.
    People who try to wash your windscreen at traffic lights: 10 points.
    The Elderly: 15 points.
    Dickheads (notable for their hats/clothing): 20 points.
    People who walk in front of you without looking: 20 points.

    This is a pre-watershed points system.
    Hope that clears it up for you.

  • What would a post-watershed points system be?

    Is “dickhead” an OK thing to say pre-watershed?

  • Elena....

    I’m not prepared to share a post-watershed system until after the watershed.
    Dickhead is perfectly okay pre-watershed. All the kids say it these days!

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    So do I have to call them a dickhead as I’m running them off to signify that they are in fact a dickhead rather than, say, a person who has just walked in front of me without looking.

    In fact do I get triple points for an elderly dickhead walking in front of me without looking?

  • Elena....

    Yes, triple points is perfectly legit.
    No, dickheads are definitely recognisable through their clothing choices. Most notably for sunglasses in the dark/inside, straw hats (sorry Chris, we have discussed your hat), skinny infertility inducing jeans, braces and an air of not having washed (themselves or their clothes) for a matter of weeks.

  • You’ve been known to wear jeans that are so tight you can’t actually eat anything while wearing them. Does that make you a dickhead? Has Ian run you over in his car?

  • Elena....

    Ouch! I may just have to come and wake you up as punishment for that!

    My ridiculously skinny stopped-me-breathing jeans did not run the risk of making me infertile. Also, they looked good. Dickheads don’t look good.

    So no, Ian has not run me over yet. Perhaps Ian has run himself over as we’ve not heard from him here in a while? Also, I’m special, I’m worth many points.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    If it’s any consolation I haven’t been run over but I would love to run you over some day, Elena. Just name the time and the place.

    (I came back).

  • That’s an offer that’s impossible to resist.

    If you ever need to learn how to run yourself over, Brian Harvey could teach you. He ran himself over in his own car after eating nine baked potatoes.

  • Elena....

    I don’t think I like where this is going. Nobody is running me over until I fit any of those criteria, but thank you so much for offering.

    There’s probably quite a few things that could go wrong after eating 9 baked potatoes.

  • I’ll keep a lookout for straw hats and give Ian the special signal to start his engine.

  • Elena....

    The only person who owns a straw hat round here, Christopher, is you.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    If I purchase a straw hat do I have to eat 9 baked potatoes and run myself over? It seems like such a long-winded caveat for some head gear.

  • OK, now I don’t like where this is going. None of us likes where this is going. Why can none of us stop this when we all dislike where it’s going?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I don’t know but now all I can think about is cooking nine baked potatoes and… and… it’s just not worth mentioning…

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