User avatarDear Beans… My Sink Shambles

Dear Beans,

I have a problem I need your assistance with.

Recently I went through a series of unfortunate circumstances in my bathroom (wa-hey (what?!)) which warranted a few posts, an award-winning film starring Robert Downey Jr and a nationwide book tour which culminated in worldwide fame and acclaim. Since then, well, I have tried to duplicate the dizzy heights of ‘Tap Saga’ but no matter what I do it’s just not the same.

I mean how can you replicate the thrill of smashing a sink with your own bare hands then spending months trying to find a replacement only for it to turn up smashed courtesy of Parcelforce? How can you hope to rustle up the same raw emotion as super gluing yourself to a sink for good merit? What kind of activity can deliver wanton exasperation on the same level as countless trips to B & Q because I had forgotten to purchase the correct pipes?

It’s a pointless exercise. During the day I find myself drawn towards the idea of breaking someone else’s bathroom suite. When I walk into the toilets at work I have to stop myself from smashing the carefully crafted porcelain shapes and bowls with a makeshift claw hammer, put together using (I don’t know, what do IT people use to make stuff, ummm, microchips, yeah, that’s believable, nifty!) microchips and circuit boards. Even now writing this letter I’m developing a cold sweat knowing the wash basin next door is fully-functional yet all it would take is one swift kick to the ajax and it would come tumbling down.

Please offer your advice in a thrilling manner.

Kind Regards

Kevin “Kevindo Menendez” Hill

9 comments to Dear Beans… My Sink Shambles

  • This post was clearly written by me, but weirdly I don’t remember writing it at all. Perhaps the overwhelming desire to smash up other people’s bathrooms has engulfed my conscious mind. If that’s the case though, why does this post have Ian’s circley head next to it??? Am I secretly Ian as well?

  • That’s better. Fixed it now. Clearly if I’m writing these posts it should have my face at the top otherwise people will just get confused. Plus I can’t be having Ian getting bean credits for what was very clearly my post can I?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Fixed and it only took you ten minutes. That’s very impressive.

    I’ve just checked with your wife and I’m definitely not you and vice versa so you can stop worrying now.

  • Kevil

    What else have you been writing as me and forgetting you were posting under your account?Are you writing my autobiography? Are you managing my social media for me? Have you been feeding my cat?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Yes, I am ghost writing your autobiography. It’s called Two Pumps and a Squirt: The Kevin Hill Story.

    What’s a social medium?

  • I’d like to congratulate Kev for having written such a bold and honest post. For many people this level of introspection would require the insight of a third party, but for Kev to look deep into his own soul and bare the uncomfortable truths within is something he can do for himself without anyone else having to write it.

    Well done.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Here here! This website needs more posts like this. I heartily endorse this product and/or person.

  • I heartily endorse this endorsement of my comment and/or this endorsement of Kev’s post which I misread as endorsement of my comment.

  • What I like about this is if I endorse your endorsement I am, by definition, endorsing my own endorsement of your endorsement of my endorsement of Kev’s. Something I thought which would never happen

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