User avatarDriving Observations

So it’s been about four months since I passed my test and steadily I have gotten used to the bizarre idea of driving around without someone criticising every mistake I make, at least not inside the car. There are several critics in other cars desperate to point out my shortcomings. It has come to my attention though that the five gears of an automobile have their own personalities and it wasn’t until I started driving on my own that my mind could comprehend the uniqueness of each.

It’s only fair then that I compile a list in numerical order:

First Gear (the Angry Gear)

First gear doesn’t like you. It makes this very apparent seconds into driving. It’s loud and shouty and if you don’t stop using it and move into second it’s going to do something VERY BAD to you. So you change up to…

Second Gear (the Confused Gear)

You’ve made it past the short tempered one and into the gear that is never sure whether it should be slow or fast. You try to tempt it one way, not happy. You put your foot down to speed up, not happy. The only way to bring it a shred of contentedness is to move on.

Third Gear (the Boring Gear)

Your “best friend”. I seem to spend a lot of my time cruising residential streets in third gear. There’s not much to it. Once you push it into third you hear yourself tutting because it tries too hard to please you without any success. Nobody likes a try hard.

Fourth Gear (the Smooth Gear)

Slip into fourth and things seem much better. You’ve got some speed now, you’re building it up, you feel like some progress is finally getting made. It’s a good gear to be in. You cream around curves like a crab covered in custard. But uh oh, you’ve accelerated faster than you should have and need to prepare for…

Fifth Gear (the Couldn’t Give a Toss About Anything Gear)

Stepping into fifth is mostly good. You’re there at the top of the spectrum. You can only go faster now, and faster you will because you can. Shame then that if you happen to hit something at this speed you’ll more than likely die. If you had an accident in third it would call an ambulance and put you in the recovery position. Fifth wouldn’t even take off its headphones to check if you were still alive, and it’d spit on you as it drove off into the horizon.

When you’re driving look out for these character traits. For a fun car game why not give them names and draw cartoon versions of them on napkins? Not you though, you’re driving. It would have to be someone else. If you have friends, that is.

9 comments to Driving Observations

  • Don’t put “best friend” in speech marks. Third gear IS my best friend. It’s definitely the best gear there is. It gets me from slowly starting to move right up to zoomy fast, and you can have fun with it sometimes, like staying in third until you reach 60.

    Apart from that I haven’t got any friends which is why I can’t draw it on a napkin.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    That’s not true. You have the Wheel of Thrusting; when you’re a friend in need (of something to help you make a decision) then it’s a friend indeed (because then you can blame it if it all goes wrong).

  • That’s true. But the Wheel of Thrusting is still just a wheel. All my friends appear to be related somehow to the business of rolling on flat surfaces.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    And why not? What has all the other things that don’t involve the business of rolling on flat surfaces ever done for you, eh sunny jim?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    *have
    *HAM
    *handy

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    What I wouldn’t give for a ham shandy right about now. A nice tall glass of hamingtons shamingtons…

  • Would you give a rat’s ass for one? A rat’s ass is very valuable.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Once I get one I never give it away. I’ve got a small collection, sealed in the original plastic, tucked away in the cupboard.

    Sometimes I take them out on busy days and look at them and smile.

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