User avatarFlat Kitty – Presidential Candidate

On the eve of the US presidential election, some might say that attempting to put yourself forward as a candidate now would be a foolish exercise.

Such tomfoolery, however, has never been too far outside the realms of the Beans though. One who is strong of heart and stout of mind can achieve great things even with very little time to do so. It is with this in mind then that my fellow flatmate, Flat Kitty, would like to offer herself for this very prestigious of positions.

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Why would she be the right person or squashed fabric soft toy for the job? What qualities does she possess that make her better than Clinton or Trump? I’m glad you asked because I have the bullet points directly below to answer those questions:

  • She has an honest face;
  • She is an ex-celebrity following the success of her Bosnian Herzegovinian smash hit of a television series with millions of fans;
  • Though she may not have an actual voice, she has a “voice” that can empower the smallest of people and inspire the brightest of voters;
  • There is nothing that she is not willing to do to get your vote;
  • She once popped a wheelie at the Royal Variety Performance (sources still waiting to be confirmed at this point).

As you can see, there is enough scrabbled together here to convince even the most sternest of individuals that Flat Kitty is a candidate that you can trust and is, ultimately, whom America is crying out for to lead them to a three dimensional multi-faceted glowing shoebox of tomorrow.

That and she makes a mean salad nicoise.

16 comments to Flat Kitty – Presidential Candidate

  • I heard that Flat Kitty was proposing to build a giant litter box and get Mexico to pay for it. Is that true?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    The giant litter box will be beneficial for all involved, including all the Mexican kitties who do not have access to their own litter box. It will bring the nation together and solidify the existing relations between the two.

    Our own Kevindo Menendez will oversee the deal if she is successful with her candidacy.

  • I haven’t been keeping up with the news much this week. Did Flat Kitty win?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Yes, yes she did. She’s now going through the motions with Barack Obama and the handover is proceeding well. I’m flying over on Friday to take my post as Chief Executive Advisor.

  • That’s a pretty meaty job. Will you be quitting your current role as whatever it is you do in Newcastle, or just doing the American thing part time?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Quarry spraying is a full time job. I don’t think I’d be able to do both so I’m going to go on a temporary hiatus while I sort out America. I think it needs to be taught a harsh lesson.

  • I have to admit I’m a bit concerned about the moisture levels in Newcastle’s quarries if you’re going to take a break from spraying them. Will they dry out while you’re away?

    This whole Flat Kitty election victory is turning into a double-edged sword.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    It is but there will be someone to take my place until I return. We can’t very well leave dem quarries unsprayed. It would be buggery chaos if that was the case.

  • Well, that’s great news. The bit about someone taking your place, I mean. Not the buggery chaos.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Nobody wants buggery chaos except (Insert highly controversial famous person from w it hin the news from the last seven days).

    They’d love that.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Clearly the letters in the word ‘within’ have had a falling out as they refused to gel together for that witty and intelligent post. Shit me through a straw!

  • Who is W. It Hin? Is that Wilhelm It Hin, the former Latvian ambassador to Cambodia?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Yes.

    I mean no.

    I mean yes but with a tentative ‘no’ hidden within the pages.

  • I thought as much. I think.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I don’t think at all. That may be my problem.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I think if I thought it I might do something about it. But I don’t. So runaround sue me.

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