User avatarFrankenstein’s sideboard

If you read the papers you’ll already know that Kevindo Menendez – now properly styled Lord Chang of Micklefield – recently sold his former home, a palatial residence that he had spent most of his life enlarging and expanding to a size copiously documented here in the past.

A property of that magnitude, crossing numerous county and parish borders and easily visible from space, naturally fetches a handsome price, and so the estate he has now purchased with the proceeds is one of the largest in the world. I understand it has its own representation at the UN and is a member of NATO.

I was recently offered the privilege of visiting this magnificent residence where I helped Chang himself assemble new furniture.

Ikea do not sell furniture even nearly big enough for this new house, and their normal wares would look like miniature dolls house furniture in its cavernous rooms. That’s why we took several flat-pack kits and re-engineered them to build this behemoth.

The people from Guinness have not yet visited – or rather, to be strictly accurate, they came as soon as we called but they are still travelling up the driveway and are due to arrive a week on Thursday. But we fully expect this unprecedented masterpiece of joinery will be officially confirmed as the largest sideboard in the Western Hemisphere when they finally see it.

13 comments to Frankenstein’s sideboard

  • Kevil

    Its was an epic effort from all concerned. What you can see in this picture is the crane we had to use to stand it up, or the small army of people who were required to tidy up all of the boxes it came in.

    Marshall esq. was an excellent assistant project manager.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Was it as awful and stressful a project as the time we all built Lego Tower Bridge?

  • I’d say it was easier than that, despite the fact that this shelving unit is actually about the same size as the real Tower Bridge.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    What exactly is he hoping to put in this extremity? Is this where Chang hides his Tang?

  • I don’t know where the Changtang lives. Each of those green cupboards is large enough to hold a normal three-bedroom house, so there’s space to store all sorts of things.

    I for one hope the Book is in there somewhere.

  • The book was languishing unloved in a drawer, where I had forgotten about its existence. It will be shortly wanging its way to London with a shiny new page.

    The Changtangā„¢ is kept safe and dry in the specially commissioned Changtang Safeā„¢ in the east wing.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You lack of love for the book astonishes me, but then again I was astonished the other day when Chronic John hit a weybluth through the half nines with a schleem pipe.

  • I think astonishment probably shouldn’t be your default response to things. Sometimes you just have to take these things in your stride.

    Kev’s stride is three furlongs in length which is how he can actually take everything in his stride all at once.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Kevin once took everything in one stride and wound up several centuries in the future. He scoffed at the price of Pledge and then came back.

  • There was no justification for it being that expensive. I don’t care if it was 2417.

  • Best thing to do is buy your Pledge in the early 90s, stash the cans by putting them down your lengthy trouser legs, and then stride forward into the 2400s to get your dusting done.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Better yet, head back to 1958 when it first came out and buy a trillion cans for ten pound ten.

    I keep using Wikipedia for knowledge. I did not know when Pledge was first introduced to the world. I feel a bit shamful (that’s right, not shameful, shamful).

  • Kevil

    You are sham, wrapped in a lie, hiding in a deceit with a fib for a door handle.

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