User avatarIt Had To Happen

Self-fulfilling prophecies; funny, aren’t they? They are the “I told you so” for the individual. For me they do not happen very often but on occasion they creep up to bite me here, there and everywhere. Sometimes all you will do is play through a scenario in your head and think, “that COULD happen, but it WON’T happen.” Why won’t it happen? Because I am a smart, intelligent human being who is capable of great things.

Yes, great things but also deeply, deeply stupid things.

Let me set the scene for everyone; Friday morning, pretty early. I’m awake but not fully awake so I shower and get dressed for work as per usual. Our bathroom has the very helpful location of not being anywhere near natural sunlight so if you need to see things you have to turn the light on. I don’t like this, using any light during the day seems silly, so I do try to avoid using it as much as possible. I stumble into the bathroom to brush my teeth and carry out the rest of my daily routine: brushing hair, applying cologne and finally ending on some sweet, sweet roll-on action.

Yes, Kevin, it is still┬áthe 1990’s.

As I finish I put everything away and turn to leave only there is something amiss, something different that shouldn’t be happening. There is a warm sensation tingling under my armpits that wasn’t there before. “Hmmm,” I think, “that’s a bit unusual.” I leave the bathroom and enter the bedroom, the feeling is a bit more potent now, in fact it’s getting hotter and hotter. “What on earth…” and then it hits me. The thing that could happen but won’t happen. The instance that no self-respecting person would ever find themselves in.

When my ankle wasn’t so great I was using some deep heat to help ease the pain. I was lucky enough, rather than a tube, to get one which is similar to a roll-on where you can apply the deep heat quick and easy. This is located next to my usual roll-on; I had decided not to keep them separate, like a smart person, but ensure that they remain very close by.

In the darkness of the bathroom, without the help of someone with a brain, I had applied deep heat to my armpits. I toyed with the idea of just ignoring it however the sheer speed at which it worked forced me to return to the bathroom (lights on this time) and wash it off as much as I could. It took approximately three hours after this for the burning to reach an acceptable level.

Needless to say, this shining example of COULD/WON’T hopefully will inspire others to either avoid this remarkable pitfall or to come forth with their own stories of embarrassment.

18 comments to It Had To Happen

  • Kevil

    Do you also keep bleach in the cupboard next to the squash? Or piranhas next to the bath sponge?

  • I’m horrified by this (though it didn’t stop me laughing heartily).

    The two things I want to know are 1. why you ever thought it was a good idea to use the bathroom in complete darkness and 2. is your cologne “Cool Water” by Davidoff to go with your roll-on deodorant?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Do you mean you’ve never had the pleasure of a Dettol milkshake? Deliciously creamy and bleachy at the same time.

    You know me, I don’t think, I just do and then bad things happen. My cologne is ‘Whack’ by M & S, as in I am so whack.

  • The big revelation to me in this was that it’s the 1990s. I must have imagines a couple of decades and convinced myself they were real. I’ll see you all by the spiral staircase in the foyer before registration.

  • The 90s were great. I had roll-on deodorant in the 90s. I don’t have it now though. Does that mean I’m in the wrong decade or I have the wrong deodorant?

  • Kevil

    The 90’s were fairly crap lets be honest, who thinks roll-on deodorant is a good idea anyway?

    Good to see Al again though, that alone is almost enough to convince me that we’re back in the 90’s.

  • I don’t think it’s a good idea at all. That’s why I get my roll-on deodorant in a spray these days.

  • Emlou

    I’m an old young person who can’t make up their mind so I actually have both a spray and a roll on and make a choice on a morning, or if I can’t I just use both… fickle minded.

    As the person who purchased said roll on deep heat, I feel a warm malicious send a of glee as I quietly cackle at this whilst stroking my cat.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    When I buy a roll on I buy it twice, once as a roll on and once as a deodorant. That way I get double the roll on.

    Your deep heat maimed me! Maimed me? Maimed me!

  • You get them separately? But.. the.. if…

    What does your roll on roll on if it doesn’t roll on deodorant?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    It rolls on roll on. I once accidentally rolled on roll on on a roll. I felt like I was stuck in a nursery rhyme.

  • Can you get sausage roll on?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You should tell Kevindo Menendez. He could make that a thing.

  • Tell him what? Tell him can you get sausage roll on? That’s not a telling. That’s an asking.

    I bought arctic roll on by mistake once. It made me hot on the outside and really cold on the inside.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I bought Arctic roll roll on once by mistake. It made me soft and spongy on the outside, and cold and ice creamy on the inside.

  • Isn’t that effectively the same joke I just did?

    Wait, I’m going to do it again as well.

    One time, I bought an arctic roll on. It made me cold inside but warm and cakey on the outside.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    No, it’s a different joke altogether because the words are different. Watch:

    One time I bought a spring roll roll on. It made me hot and tasty on the inside and soft and pastry like on the outside. Wait, what?

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