User avatarNew Job Celebration

About a month ago Elena got a new job and, as you may remember, we decided we should celebrate it here on the Beans. Unfortunately, due to the hectic posting schedule we work with, and the huge backlog of important information that must be posted to the site, we have only just found time to fit it in.

So here we are with our celebration of Elena’s new job. Let’s get some facts from The Fact Penguin.

Behold The Fact Penguin

The Fact PenguinWe asked The Fact Penguin these questions and it offered the following entirely factual answers.

  • What is the new job?
    The new job is unstupiding children. Children are idiots.
  • Where is the new job?
    The new job is near Orpington, which is a place that evidently has a problem with stupid children that needs to be addressed.
  • How much money will Elena earn?
    Elena has signed a contract that guarantees her a weekly income of at least eight (8) London pounds, which at current exchange rates is equivalent to approximately ninety seven thousand Newcastle pounds.

After answering these questions The Fact Penguin indicated that we had reached the limit of questions for today, as specified in his contract, and decided to go for a swim. Please do not ask The Fact Penguin any further questions.

Champagne and low-cost nibbles will be served in the Banqueting Hall from 6 this evening. (The Banqueting Hall can be found at the far end of the lower ground floor picture gallery from the “Things” page of the website.) Please wear black tie so that The Fact Penguin does not feel overdressed.

20 comments to New Job Celebration

  • If I want to ask the fact penguin a question, how long do I have to wait? Is it ok to ask him if he’d like a canapé?

  • Elena....

    Can we make sure the canapés are non-fish/seafood. The Fact Penguin doesn’t need to see his friends on a plate.

    Also, sorry to embarrass you, this is actually why I love you Christopher. I laughed a lot at this. I want a Fact Penguin!

  • There is a daily cap on the number of questions, so you should be OK, but you should be aware that the contract also states that his name must be capitalised at all times. Questions are rarely answered if The Fact Penguin notices a breach of contract. He’s a trained lawyer.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I am delighted that we can finally hoy out the bunting and clink the dirty mugs for Miss Wolfson’s new job. That and I’m glad Chris used it for his quota.

  • Does The Fact Penguin require contracts to be drawn up if he is to undertake any new activities? Would he need a few hours to draft up a doodad if I invited him to come zip-lining?

  • Yes, The Fact Penguin prefers all his public and private interactions to take place within the comforting environment of a legally binding contract.

  • What happens then if you call him a fact penguin?

  • Kevil

    Or a fat pengiun?

  • Elena....

    HEY! OVER HERE! This post is supposed to be about ME!

  • Oh yeah. Hi you. Do you have a phone number for The Fact Penguin ‘cos I was wondering if he’d like to come zip-lining and I didn’t get chance to ask him at the party.

  • I remember when the conversion rate was six London pounds to eight hundred thousand Newcastle pounds. Dark times.

  • The Fact Penguin doesn’t have a phone. You will need to fax him. If you don’t have a fax machine you might have to go to the 1980s so you can use one.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Can I use my Access card to make a reserve charges call to him?

  • Yes. He’ll put it into one of those old fashioned credit card machines where you have to slide a thing over it and it stamps the numbers onto a bit of paper for some reason.

  • Does he speak whilst he does this? I get the impression he doesn’t; I think he’s silent the entire time which adds a level of creepiness you weren’t quite prepared for.

  • He is silent throughout, and maintains steady, unwavering eye contact at all times. His face shows no emotion.

  • How will he answer a reverse charges call if he doesn’t have a phone? If he is taking the payment from you for the call, why would you need to call him? Why would you want to call him at all if he is permanently mute?

    I’m very confused.

  • You don’t “understand” the Fact Penguin. It’s not something you “get”. It’s something that’s there and has always been there. Put your books away, preppy.

  • It seems pretty obvious that Kev is well out of his depth on this simple matter. I expect The Fact Penguin is, even as I write this, re-drafting an amendment to his question answering contract waiver document so that he no longer has to communicate with Kev at all.

  • Elena....

    Yeah, I’m still not happy about this.

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