User avatarNew: Pouring Beans Fragrances

Look at you. You smell. It’s true – I can smell you from here. What you need is a powerful cosmetic fragrance that will mask your horrendous body odour and the presence of three-day-old kedgeree stuck in your teeth.

Luckily, Pouring Beans has just launched its new line of unisex fragrances. To celebrate launch day, you can get 10% of any of our new toiletries when you order online using the offer code “I REEK”.

Beans No. 5

The warm, homely aroma of uncooked baked beans straight from the tin is unmistakeable in Beans No. 5, with a musky hint of black pepper and overtones of jasmine. It’s the ideal date night fragrance to impress a loved one, a loved-one-to-be or a high-class escort. This stylish eau de toilette is presented in an etched glass bottle in the shape of an open tin of beans. £79.99 (50ml).

Eau de Pouring Body Mist

Make Eau de Pouring Body Mist part of your morning bathroom routine and enjoy its light, fresh scent throughout the day. The dark, sour smell rising from the Character Hatch™ on a hot day is made brighter and sweeter with the musk of wild zorses and the refreshing zing of lemons. £24.99 (150ml) or £49.99 (gift pack: 100ml, presentation box, zorse-striped flannel).

Haricots

Share your bean-based bouquet with your loved one by wearing these delightful matching fragrances for him and for her. Bold, yet playful, both are based on the unmistakable and unforgettable smell of wet plaster and gloss paint from Kev’s house. Haricots Homme carries the bold, earthy overtones of Gary Wilmot’s fading career, whoever he is, while Haricots Femme is lighter, with just a hint of the matted fur lining Flat Kitty’s basket. £39.99 each (75ml) or £54.99 for both.

Our talented Smellologists are now working on a new, secret celebrity fragrance endorsed by Smidge Manly.

19 comments to New: Pouring Beans Fragrances

  • This made me LOL at work and I’m getting funny looks.

    Also, how do I order two Eau de Pouring gift sets?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Is it wrong that I can see these things as being REAL things?

  • You just need to go to the website, click on the links and enter your credit card details. It’s dead easy.

    They ARE real things.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I can’t. My browser has crashed on the website for the deluxe edition of Christmas with Mahalia so I need to reboot that sucker.

  • How did you type that if your sucker needed a reboot?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I used a secondary computer to access the Beans. It can only access this website and only this website due to it developing a personality and becoming so attached to us that it refuses to change to anywhere else

    #truestory

  • Do you know what? I don’t believe you. I’m going to spray some Beans No. 5 around to mask the smell of your deceit.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    My deceit smells beautiful, don’t you deny it. In fact it smells so good that it will be the fourth fragrance* from the Pouring Beans line.

    *mental note, you don’t spell this word ‘frangrance’.

  • I was pretty clear, in the opening sentence of this post, about your horrendous body odour. Now I know it’s the stench of lies. Don’t deny it.

  • All you need to know sonny Jim, boy lad, little sonny boy Jim lad boy, is that I smell as sweet as an oyster’s bumbag.

  • My nose is repulsed by your marine knapsack scent.

  • BRING BACK BUMBAGS!

    We could have a range of beans branded ones, and sell them on the shelf next to Ian’s new 90’s Roll On “Stench of lies”.

    We could get Timmy Mallet to do the advert, it’d be 90’s ‘tastic.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Are you ill, Kev?

  • Yes, very. Why do you ask?

  • I’d give a bumbag a go. I’d like a stylish businesslike one that could be worn with a smart shirt and a jacket.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Business bumbags. That could be a thing. But is it *tiny finger window* marketable?

  • We’d make them out of suit material with pinstripes and the like so that discerning business peeps can wear them round the office free from the stigma of 90’s neons.

    They could have a built in phone charger and a pocket for special business pens.

  • That’s a brilliant idea. I desperately need somewhere to keep my special business pens. Perhaps we could also do a tradesman’s bumbag that’s big enough to hold an electric drill and power pack.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    That would be right up Kevin’s street. In fact it would be so up his street, it’d be helping to add the extension to the East wing, in the 5th corridor.

Leave a Reply

  

  

  

Optionally add an image (JPG/JPEG only)