User avatarNewsboost – Intimacies of Sticky Tape Revealed

Following a six year investigation, scientists at the University of Massachusetts have published an intricate 86 page document revealing all manner of unusual facts and revelations about how modern sticky tape couples behave in the 21st century.

It seem as though the attitudes that were prevalent in the previous century have been forgone for a more dedicated and committed approach. Young couples that were once so loose and uninterested in establishing a long-lasting relationship are now falling over themselves to get together, and once they do the changes of separating the two is practically impossible.

Middle-aged and older couples are also settling down for the future, hoping to wile away long hot summer evenings together over a jug of iced tea.

“When you look at our findings, ” said Chief scientist Barnaby Coleslaw, “There is such an overwhelming sense of enthusiasm for staying together in the sticky tape community. Even though human beings struggle with monogamy, there are rolls and rolls of tape who cannot help themselves; they find the right one and then they never let them go. It is very sweet, and I only wish we can follow their sensational example. When I get a chance to spend less time in the laboratory and more time in the real world, I will hold this study very close to my heart.”

The last study to be carried out on the subject in 1999, by three elephants pretending to be a Volvo, shows the complete opposite and shows just how much the world can change in a short space of time.

A parade celebrating the 65th year of sticky tape independence is due to take place later on this year. Martine McCutcheon is rumoured to be attending.

11 comments to Newsboost – Intimacies of Sticky Tape Revealed

  • I read that 60% of scientific studies are now carried out by large mammals pretending to be family cars. Most of the rest are done by Martine McCutcheon. I think that particular bit of research was published by four kangaroos dressed up as a Citroen Picasso. So this doesn’t really surprise me.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You are right on the fashions with your assessment.

    Maybe you should present your own spin-off from Newsboost. How about Tat Snack Snippet Smack Down?

  • I like that. That’s a highly relevant title for an important news programme. I’d present it wearing boxing gloves and during the programme, while talking, I’d be trying to pick up honey roasted peanuts from a small bowl in front of me.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I would watch that in spades. I would also watch that at home, whilst clutching a spade. Can we make that a thing, post haste?

  • Yes. I think we should. Step 1: you need to get yourself a spade.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    *gets a spade* uh huh, then what?

  • Step 2: next you need to go home.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Oh yeah, sorry, not thinking.

    *goes home*

    Then what? Can you write these down for me in case I forget?

  • I thought I was writing them down. What’s the difference between writing them down and what I’m doing now?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    My comments are in the way. I wanted a clear set of instructions without my interference. Look, I went and did it again! When will I stop?

  • When will you stop? I have a feeling that soup will be involved.

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