User avatarNewsboost – National State of Emergency

David Cameron was pulled out of a meeting with Slovak prime minister Rovert Fico earlier this week to address the worrying concerns of a growing number of residents in the North of England. Mr Cameron has yet to comment on the crisis but it has been confirmed that he has cancelled all subsequent engagements for the remainder of this week to focus on the problem. His worried face and damp forehead were enough to confirm just how serious the matter was; the Gasgoignes in Garforth was practically empty on a Friday night.

Our two correspondents who were there on 19th June quickly passed on the information which filtered through to No. 10 in the early hours of Monday morning.

It was approximately 11pm, a time which should have seen drunken youths and self-tanned middle-aged locals swarming around the place like locusts over a corpse. Previous evenings have seen up to ten minutes passing without service at the bar. This particular evening was so quiet the lights were already on and bar staff were cleaning up for the day after. The four aged women in the corner left shortly after. The remaining patrons were a small party near the dining section, including children, and our intrepid reporters. The situation was so dire only one round was bought before exiting.

The last time was also particularly worrying as the entire establishment was closed before they even arrived.

Mr Cameron is expected to address the media before the weekend with a disaster management plan which will more than likely set up a three stage recovery system, possibly beginning with cheap shots up to 10pm and a free adult bouncy castle until closing.

Speculation is rife as to the reason for the lack of business. One can only hope that the disaster management plan reacts quickly enough to prevent any further catastrophe.

10 comments to Newsboost – National State of Emergency

  • This is clearly a terrible situation and it’s right that the government is taking decisive action. But to me there are two issues at stake here.

    The first is the emptiness of the Gas House. This must be addressed as soon as possible and David Cameron’s announcement that there will be a 2-4-1 offer on Jagerbombs between 10 and midnight on Saturdays is a good and sensible first step.

    The second is the question of where all the slags and townies have gone. This is of great concern because if they aren’t all corralled in the Gascoignes then they could be anywhere. I would like to see the army deployed to find them and round them up.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Those are two very good points and I would like to deal with them in three and a half responses:

    1) Excellent.
    2) Whimsical.
    3) We were concerned about that; they could jump up anywhere. They certainly weren’t in the Newmarket or the Miners. If the army do not find them our correspondents are due to inspect the Bird in the Hand and possibly even the Crusader.
    1/2) Clingfilm.

  • Your 3.5 responses are comprehensive and have actually answered a number of questions I haven’t yet asked but was going to.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Thank Chuffety that’s the case as I had very little else to add to the proceedings except for an impression of Elvis doing an armpit fart solo.

  • I think we can all be pleased that your Parping Presley routine didn’t make an appearance.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    There’s a lot of money in the Parping Presley. It’s very *makes the hand window* marketable

  • For me it ranks only slightly better than your fluffy pants shenanigans. I think I’ve seen, heard and reluctantly inhaled all the Parping Presley I need for a whole lifetime.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I never thought I’d hear you say that. It breaks my heart to know. Next you’ll be telling me you don’t want to listen to Go West anymore.

  • Has anyone ever really wanted that? Or has it always just been something foisted upon us against our will?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    It’s the official song of your flat, “The Flat Nobody in London Wanted” (TM).

    Nobody else thought to give it a song so I did, and yes it was done somewhat against yours and everyone else’s wills but isn’t that just me in general?

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