User avatarNot Very Good – Pets

Shhhhh! Be very quiet. No, I’m not hunting rabbits, but if you’re not careful then you may disturb this very rare animal I happened upon not so long ago:

Snuggled away in its carry case, away from prying eyes, the small collection of empty beer cans can be startled by even the tiniest of noises. You must approach with caution and with your hands behind your back as any attempt to circumvent these instructions will see them running away into the distance.

That is if this was a real thing. If the owner of this carry case is convinced that this is an animal of some kind then they are doing pets all wrong. A set of empty beer cans will not come when you call them. You cannot put them on a lead and walk them round the streets. There is nothing to boast about and no amount of grooming will turn them into a pet worthy of a competition winner.

You can pet them and you can instill a certain amount of love, however in order to get the best of them you must open up their heads and drink the insides. If you tried this with a goldfish or a hamster you would have the RSPCA breathing down your neck faster than you can say, ” official court summons” or possibly “Jimmy Tarbuck”.

This kind of relationship will only end in confusion, heartache and a trip to your corner shop to replenish your fridge with more “pets”. If I were you, and quite frankly I am relieved I am not, I would settle for a potato with a face drawn on it: strong, loyal and great with steak.

Next time… Animals!

15 comments to Not Very Good – Pets

  • I went to a Beer Show once. People dragging tins of Skol and Carling Black Label around a big arena in the hope they would jump through hoops and do tricks. I asked for a refund.

  • I think i went to that show, you should have hung around. In the afternoon there was a guy who got 4 cans of Guinness to roll over and play dead. It was riveting stuff.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Was everyone wearing string vests and smoking tabs?

  • Yes, it was like a real life game of “Where’s Rab C Nesbit”.

  • I’m sorry but I’m a beer can purist. I like the thoroughbred lagers. I don’t think Guinness or other stouts have a place in a beer show.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    As long as everyone is having a good time surely that’s all that matters?

  • According to Wikipedia “Guinness…is one of the most successful beer brands worldwide”, sounds like beer to me. What’s your beef?

  • My beef is medium rare steak, but I will also accept beefburgers, especially with cheese.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You know what I like? Ten minute drum solos. You can’t eat them though; they’re off the menu.

  • If you pressed it onto an LP made of chocolate you could.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You are more than welcome to try, my friend. I await the results with a wizened hand.

  • I await the results with a wizard’s hand. I found it by a river near a giant ten-seater wizard’s hat that had washed up.

  • ^^^ Nicely done sir.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    *What you did there deserves an award for best ‘what you did there’ 2018.

  • I am now going to make an elegant bow and then retire from this particular comment thread. My work here is done.

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