User avatarObsoletus Redundantus Technologus

Obsolete technology.

There, I said it. Obsolete technology is everywhere. The human race is such a wasteful set of single-minded simpletons, desperately trying to find the newest innovation to make life that little bit easier. You wake up one morning and someone has invented a quicker way for you to put your socks on. By the afternoon they’re wafting around a gizmo that brings eggs to you at work when you scan your debit card on a moist towelette. At sometime after 7pm your phone has a larger memory than you do and is more likely to be offered a loan by your local bank than anyone at your office.

I do feel sorry for obsolete technology. It sits around charity shops feeling very sorry for itself. The amount of times I’ve walked past the British Heart Foundation only to see an array of VHS video tapes pressing themselves against the window, like wonky pets at an animal shelter, lusting to be taken home and played. And I really want to. My generation was brought up on 3.5 inch floppy disks and video rental shops. Sure they invented the compact disc in 1983 but nobody cared about it until the nineties. Pressing a VHS into a video player and having that hearty clunk sound before the screen screamed into whatever nonsense you have chosen to borrow for the evening was a great sensation. Now all you get is a silent hand giving you the finger as your I-pod breathlessly plays one of six hundred billion albums you have downloaded onto it.

There’s nothing wrong with modern technology. Indeed I wouldn’t be able to type this post without the Mac on my lap. What needs addressing though is thoughtful ways of discarding things that aren’t really necessary anymore. For instance, floppy discs. Sturdy little fellows that they are; couldn’t they be used as coasters? I mean the coaster industry, if there is one, could surely allow a little space for recycling. In the place of tiny cardboard circles depicting pictures of hamsters rolling tobacco you would have small, sexy squares. House building companies could erect sheds made of Betamax tapes. They could unreel all the unsold cassettes of Steps singles and use the tape as loft insulation. Who says you can’t buy your wife a bunch of Nokia 3310s instead of a bunch of flowers for her birthday? They’re just as pretty.

The present is often overlooked for the future. I say we must look to the past in order to create the future. The present demands it, and so do I.

11 comments to Obsoletus Redundantus Technologus

  • Kevil

    Wow. Deep. What about the 5 old nokias I have in a drawer? Do they deserve better?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I thought we should address some BIG ISSUES on the beans.

    You missed the opportunity for your wife’s birthday and Valentines Day but you could always save them for a surprise? They don’t necessarily deserve better so long as you take them out and stroke them every now and then.

  • This is a MASSIVE issue. I can’t actually see the other end of it from where I am, though admittedly I am sitting down.

    You have inspired me to take the 5 1/4″ floppy disks in my cupboard and use them to keep loose papers flat in my pockets.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    It’s such a BIG ISSUE that I have to keep typing it in capitals for everyone (as in you two) can understand how enormous it really, really is.

    Loose papers are always another concern. I think you handled that well.

  • Kevil

    As its clearly of ENORMOUS CONCERN what happens to old tech, I will start melting down old Amiga 500+ Machines to make recycled tea cups and saucers for the elderly immediately.

  • It’s becoming apparent to me that this is even more of a COLOSSAL PROBLEM than I had previously thought, and I previously thought it was about as big as two whales that didn’t get much exercise.

    I will, with immediate effect, take all the loose wires I can find at work and begin weaving them into baskets that small dogs can use to ride on bicycle handlebars.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Recycled tea cups almost make the world go round as much as flans and tarts. All of this news is totally spiffing. Can I see the results with me fair ojos? That’s eyes, right?

  • Sadly I doubt these developments will ever grace your viso/volto. It’s all happening in the dark and we’d have to buy new lights to make it visible. Since we don’t want new technology, they will have to remain unseen.

  • Yeah, what he said. Also I was lying.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Your lack of commitment makes my salmon grizzle that’s for sure.

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