User avatarOfficial Beans

WE NEED THREE. WE ARE THREE.

We are, indeed, three. Nothing is more recognisable with the Beans brand than our shapely, oddly blank faces. This has been put on everything from lunch boxes to dinner jackets to tiny boxes of matches. We have whored ourselves out for every manner of item available on the market.

Some might say that we have stretched ourselves too far. Others may say that we haven’t stretched enough. I would say that bag of crisps I just ate wasn’t large enough.

What we need is someone else to shoulder the burden, or uncomfortable responsibility, of having to promote ourselves repeatedly. We need someone who is willing to do absolutely anything to spread the word of our masters, to go above and beyond, to increase the profit margin and appease the shareholders.

This is Beans.

He was originally called Yukiko, because that is a nice name, but since his birth he has taken on the name ‘Beans’. This is also a good name and it also means that he can now be the new poster boy for our website moving forward into 2018.

I will be commissioning small, cheaply-made soft toys based on his likeness and these will be sold in certain branches of Booths supermarket in the North West of England. They will be limited edition and highly sought after so demand is more than likely expected to exceed the supply, and the second-hand market will soar higher than an eagle strapped to the back of a Boeing 747.

If the toys work then perhaps some jazzy socks may be on the cards.

24 comments to Official Beans

  • I fully approve of this. It should be shouted from the rooftops, not hidden entirely from the Beans front page. (By which I mean the front page of this website, not the front page of your excellently-named cat.)

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I’m not entirely sure what I did to hide the page. The website went a bit nuts when I was trying to post it.

  • Fixed it.

    Beans is a much better name. Who wouldn’t want a beans plushie/socks/commemorative tie pin/t-shirt/birdhouse/fridge magnet/cake mould?

  • As the only one of us who hadn’t yet edited this post, I felt a bit left out, so I reached my filthy hands in there and altered the picture. Beans is now bigger and more prominent than he was before, and my ego is appeased.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    That’s BIG beans.

  • Hopefully Beans (the cat) will look at the picture of Beans (the cat) on the Beans (the website) and be inspired to grow at least as large as the Beans (the cat) he sees depicted on the Beans (the website).

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I think it’s important to have lots of things with the same name. I mean, look at Tony and Tony. If they didn’t have Tony, Tony and Tony their whole friendship group would fall apart.

  • Emlou

    You’re bad and wrong and wrong and bad.

    Just no

  • Emlou

    No…. just no

  • It’s OK, Em. Tony and Tony’s friendship group isn’t going to fall apart. That would be wrong and bad, but it’s not going to happen. Not while they’ve still got Tony.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Tony will always have Tony, and Tony would never leave Tony in the lurch.

    In the lurch.

    In the lurch (?).

  • The lurch.

    The lurch.
    No, Tony would never leave Tony in the lurch.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Tony would never leave Tony in the lurch.

    In the lurch.

    The lurch.

    Is there an echo in here?

  • The lurch.

    In the lurch.

    Tony would never leave the lurch in the Tony.

    The lurch.

    Is there a Tony in here?

  • Lurch would never leave lunch in the Tony.

    The lunch

    The lunch

    Is there a cafe in here?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Tony would never leave his lunch in the church.

    The church.

    The church.

    I’ve heard rumours there’s a café in the church.

  • The lunch.

    In the Tony.

    Tony would never leave his cafe in the church.

    The church.

  • How do you think Jesus would feel if he was called Beans? He was born on Christmas Day too, mind he didn’t require a vet but it can’t have been easy

  • Kevil

    I think he’d have felt 24% more maudlin.

  • Maybe the kitten should be called Maudlin Jesus. That’s a great name for a cat.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    That IS a great name for a cat. Sadly, Beans has signed his contract and will now forever be known as ‘Beans’ for marketing purposes for out multi-conglomerate networking system.

    Maudlin Jesus will have to be someone else’s cat’s name.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Mandolin Jesus, however, sounds like a band I would listen to.

  • When I finally get a cat I might call it Maudlin Jesus.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You will. I’m starting a petition right now.

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