User avatarReport from Brighton

This week I have been to Brighton, another seaside town, where large numbers of people who like red things best have gathered for a conference about what it would be like if people who like red things are in charge of everybody. Some of them seem to be under the impression that they already are. Others are arguing about what sort of people who like red things should be in charge of the people who like red things and whether some of the people who like red things like red things more than some of the other people.

As before, I have decided that it’s important I should share my findings of this place with the magnificent readership of the Beans. I learned three things in Brighton.

First, I learned that sand can be really big. Brighton beach is made of sand so big that it’s basically pebbles. Like, each grain is properly pebble sized. I’ve heard it said that they actually are pebbles, but that’s clearly silly because beaches are made of sand.

Second, Brighton is full of very attractive people. Everyone in Brighton is not just beautiful but also very cool, in a sort of unintimidating and effortless way. I feared that I would not fit in with this sort of demographic and feared being rounded up by the police and removed from the town on account of my decidedly ordinary appearance. In the end my boss cut my trip short and redeployed me back to London two days early, which I think was just a cover for the fact that he’d got word from the authorities that I would be exiled if I didn’t leave of my own accord.

The third thing I learned is that you can get a machine that automatically makes pancakes at the push of a button. I know because there was one at breakfast in my hotel.

I was so amazed that I made a video of it, which I have presented here for your enjoyment. The video is soundtracked with an excerpt from the 1996 hit song “Coco Jambo” by Mr President.

You’re welcome.

19 comments to Report from Brighton

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I am awash with emotions. It’s the single most impressive but also most depressing thing I’ve seen in ages. The song, however, was spot on.

  • I think we can all agree it was the right choice.

  • I don’t remember this song. What pop trivia can you tell me, and the other readers, about it?

  • I can’t believe you don’t remember it. It’s a classic.

    Coco Jambo, or sometimes Coco Jamboo, was released in 1996 by the German group Mr President, from their album “We See the Same Sun”. It reached number 8 in the UK charts, achieving silver certification, but was a smash hit number 1 in Switzerland, Austria and Sweden. It won the Echo Award for Best Dance Single.

    The words to the song are virtually meaningless and show every sign of being written by a German rapper with a shaky grasp of English, but are arguably no worse than the other big songs vying for the number 1 position at the same time in spring 1996, “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls and “Macarena” by Los Del Rio.

  • I vaguely remember the song, that machine though is a disgrace. How dare they call that anaemic blob pooped out at the end a pancake. I hope you complained to the hotel management,

  • (I was going to reply, but then I realised you haven’t finished your sentence yet, so I’ll wait until you get to the end.)

  • (I noticed that too. I wonder what he’s going to say next…)

  • … and were given a free nights stay in recompense.

    (Sorry to keep you hanging, it really wasn’t worth the wait.)

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Of course it was. Being a grammar Nazi, your lack of an apostrophe was well worth it. Now we get to harass you for being a big dolt.

    Ha ham, I vin somore samosas overalls!

  • (Glad we got to the end of that.)

    No, I did not complain to the hotel management and therefore no recompense was due. I ate the pancakes which were delicious.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    But were they, Chris? Were they?

    Kev, I think he may have been brainwashed whilst he was trekkin’ about Southern Britain.

  • Yes they were, Ian. They were.

    I don’t think you can get brainwashed by pancakes. I suppose you could get mouthwashed.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I know of several people who were brainwashed by pancakes. They now lead very inconsequential lives and spend all day dabbing their toes in nearby rivers.

  • Ian, he has spent rather a long time in that there south now, maybe they put something in the water.

    Chris, hmmm delicious splats.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Something in the water…

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Something in in in in the water…

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

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