User avatarSoul Stop

This morning I went to an establishment called the Soul Stop Café.

I ate breakfast there and had a cup of coffee and then, enjoying the ambience, I stayed a while longer to drink some tea.

It was only after leaving that I realised the terrible threat in the café’s name. Presumably, as a result of visiting and consuming their food and drink, which must have been treated in some way, my soul is going to stop.

If there is anyone here with a medical background, I urgently need to know what will happen when my soul stops and whether it’s possible to restart it. I am pretty worried here and I’m not sure if I should call an ambulance, so please respond as soon as you can. Thanks.

13 comments to Soul Stop

  • Elena....

    In order for your soul to stop, you have to have one in the first place.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I erm take it then this particular establishment is not up to scratch or have you discovered Satan’s eatery?

  • Ouch. That was uncalled for.

    The establishment was up to, and indeed slightly above the level of, scratch. I’m just worried about the side effects.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    How does your soul feel at the moment? Complete? Clean? Rigid like a wizard’s bidet?

  • It feels besmirched, but I think it quite likes that, so I’m not doing much about it.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Sounds like you need a deep soul cleanse. It’s very sensual and you only need some Malteasers and a rubber glove.

  • Maybe, but I hate going to the Soul Cleanser. Last time they had to use a general anaesthetic.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Well my next profession is quarry sprayer so unfortunately you’ll have to see if Kevin or someone else might cleanse your soul bits.

  • I’m not letting him near them. Not now all his poodle grooming tools have gone rusty.

  • I’M SORRY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY QUA… sorry. I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my quarry spraying.

    I’m sure if he puts on a suit and buffs his tools to sheen (waaaaaay!) he’ll be the best qualified out of the three of us, unless you’d like to undertake it yourself?

  • I couldn’t possibly. Big Man doesn’t do any work himself. He pays other people to do it and then reclines in a leather armchair with a glass of champagne. Just get on to it as soon as you can. Big Man tips generously.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I thought so.

    You’ve changed, man. I remember when you used to dance for pennies just off of Northumberland Street.

    No wait, that was Kevin.

  • Yeah, that was Kev, back in the good old days. Back before he decided to extend his house across the full surface area of the UK.

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