User avatarSpooky Hallowe’en Post

You open your web browser and make your way to the Beans as the rain pours down. As you turn the handle on the great oak door leading in to the website, lightning crackles in the distance. Inside, instead of being orange coloured, it’s dark and scary.

You fumble with the light switch but the lights aren’t working. Maybe the power’s out. But wait – what’s that? There’s a scrabbling noise from over near the Bean Counter. Something is moving in the shadows.

You go over to investigate and begin making your way unsteadily down the dark stone staircase towards the Old Beans. The sound is louder here. The hairs on the back of your neck stand on end and a shiver runs down your spine.

Suddenly you’re dazzled by a bright light as an unfamiliar figure lurches at you from the other end of the great cellar. You gasp and recoil, falling backwards onto the slippery stonework. You shield your eyes from the light as the creature comes towards you, cackling horribly. It’s the Ghost of Beans Past. A disembodied Locker 29 is clutched under its arm, and it’s holding a range of overpriced designer pebbles. You think it might be wearing a Virgin Petcare name badge.

“All subsidising and no subsidising makes Ian a dull boy!” it screams at you through its slobbering, mis-shapen jaw.

As it looms above you, ready to sink its horrible teeth into you and consign you to an eternity of irrelevance as a forgotten comment in the Beans Archive, your browser pops up a window telling you that this monster has an unsigned security certificate.

You click “do not accept” and are redirected to the Google Homepage.

12 comments to Spooky Hallowe’en Post

  • Elena...

    The lack of comments here is getting awkward now.

  • Elena....

    I typed my name wrong and need moderating again please.

    PS: I hope the Shining reference doesn’t bring my nightmares back….!

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I was going to comment but then I remembered I was too scared of the frightening reality of the whole thing. It mentions me by NAME! The horror.

    P.S. I think Chris has monopolised the ability to moderate you for future moderations

  • Elena....

    I didn’t happen to notice your slobbering, mis-shapen jaw over lunch to be honest. You probably get away with it in day to day life. Maybe get the horrible teeth sorted.

    I never say no to being moderated!

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I hid it well behind the combination of my huge nose and my gigantic ego. Maybe I’ll treat myself to some tarty teeth once Christmas is out the way.

    I haven’t seen any objections on this post so far so, hmmm, why not?

  • Elena....

    Haha, see, when Chris leaves me for just a weekend I am forced to seek moderation elsewhere!

    Do it before Christmas. You’ll never have enough funds once Christmas is out the way and its going to be a hefty job, from the sounds of it.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I think it was possibly Weird Al Yankovic who was quoted as saying, “Moderation is as moderation does”, and I’ve never gone against anything Weird Al has ever said.

    A full mouth overhaul with cleanser and vacuuming? Best whip out the credit card for that bad boy.

  • Your mouth needs more than vacuuming. It’s not just loose debris that needs shifting, it’s years of ground-in dirt. It needs a full steam clean, and possibly some of the layers of accreted material chiselling off.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Yet still no objection to moderating his girlfriend. Swift!

  • Elena....

    I don’t think he cares? Slightly worried.

    Not as worried as you should be about the vacuum and cleanse. And I’m very worried. So you should be pacing the floor, or whatever it is seriously worried people do.

  • I’m past caring. It’s been going on too long. I clearly can’t stand between you and moderation by a whole queue of lascivious gents.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    My lascivicity is one of my better qualities. 9 out of 10 confused admirers would agree.

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