User avatarStrange Adventures in the City

One more for the road before the end of the month hits.

So it’s relatively early on a Thursday morning. It’s half term so I don’t need to take Reuben to school and decide to take it easy. I waltz into the city centre just after nine and help myself to an inexpensive coffee. Whilst I’m stood outside taking it all in I notice someone approaching from my left and I look up. It’s a young lady dressed as though she is returning from a night out with admittedly the worst fake eyelashes I’ve ever seen. She asks for a cigarette so I do the nice thing and pass her one of my spares. This automatically guarantees about three minutes of conversation; that’s what you get when you hand someone a tab these days.

She makes a point of stating that it would take far too long to explain just what is going on so I ask for a shortened version. As it turns out she is just returning from a night out and she is still very much drunk to the point where she can’t stand still stood up and leans against the wall. Her friend has received some excellent news, even though she lives in a different part of the country, and she has been out celebrating with some people for about twelve hours.

It is at this moment I should point out that she is clutching two plastic bags, one of which contains her effects and the other is over-flowing with crisps.

So I listen a little more and offer my opinion on what she should do. She’s tired; I suggest going home to bed. She’s cold; I suggest going home to bed. She wants another cigarette; I’ve only got one left so I pass. I’m not trying to get rid of her but it seems like that is the best thing for her at the moment. In her broad Irish accent she asks if I could phone for a taxi and because I’m running out of time to get to work I help her out again. She doesn’t want to be left alone so I stay with her until the taxi arrives. Most of her conversation revolves around how much she is looking forward to going home and that nettle cheese is one of the best cheeses she’s ever tasted. I get that about five or six times, the recommendation and where to purchase it from. I’m also told that pesto goes very well with pasta.

For all my assistance I get a hug and a fond farewell. Was I looking for anything else? My coffee has gone cold. The time has just gone half nine so I need to be on my way. I wasn’t looking for anything else, and I got a cheese recommendation to boot. That suits me fine.

10 comments to Strange Adventures in the City

  • I’m going to take up smoking at once. This post makes it clear just how much I’m missing out on.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I also got to meet that nice guy and his Hungarian friend on your birthday. Clearly it’s just guaranteed to help you make friends and fool the rest.

  • Yeah, while the rest of us were wasting our time with people we knew, you were making new friends. I’ve been throwing these opportunities away. Time for me to light up.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You see me, right, I’m always moving onto the new. Just the new everything. I could hang about with you, right, but that’s for squares. I’m whizzing into the coffee cup of stability.

    If in doubt, refer back to Snow Patrol: “Light up, light up, as if you have a choice…” He knew the score.

  • Gary Lightbody was all over the score. He was the scorekeeper. We won’t see his like again. I think he’s a smoker too, so it just goes to show you.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    If there’s a higher score than Gary Lightbody, in Scrabble or just in general, then I’ve not heard about it. He’s not only the scorekeeper but the scoremaster and in some parts of the world he’s also the scoremaster general. He has (wrote ‘hags’ there by accident) so many titles it’s hard to keep up.

  • Gary Lightbody hags more than you and me ever will, combined. That’s how much he hags.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    He hags more than an onion hag. I expect the onion hags have a picture of him on the wall and they worship his lovely little face at least three times a day. Then they play ‘Chocolate’ and have a Frijj.

  • How do you play “Chocolate”? What are the rules?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    The rules are that you write a semi-decent song and enjoy it even though the lyrics don’t have anything to do with the title. Also you have to release it on chocolate-coloured vinyl too. Not many people have the moxie to pull it off.

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