User avatarThe Face Update – All of my Eyes

Due to the relentless, phenomenal demand, not seen on this scale since the Papples last arena tour, I have decided to provide a face update so that everyone can finally see exactly how many pairs of eyes I have.

Your average human being will be quite satisfied with one pair, consisting of exactly two eyes. That, I am afraid, was not good enough for me. Settling for only two would be a joke as far as I am concerned so the boys in the lab took time out of their busy lunch breaks to knock up some spares which I have secreted about my person and only now reveal for your viewing pleasure (dad joke, strike the bell):

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  1. Original Eyes – the ones that I was blessed with upon my birth.
  2. Viewing Eyes – the ones used to viewing things up close.
  3. Peering Eyes – the ones used for peering at items from a distance.
  4. Seeing Eyes – the ones where you really want to see more than normal.
  5. Glimpsing Eyes – for when you don’t have time to take a good, firm look.
  6. Spotting Eyes – a back up for when my peering eyes aren’t working.
  7. Looking Eyes – for when you do have time to take a good, firm look.

It does require an awful lot of upper body strength to carry this many pairs of eyes with me at all times, yet I feel as though it is the best move. However you use your eyes no doubt there will come a time when you need an extra pair, and I always have at least seven spare pairs (bears) on me.

I am also very excited when the Perception Eyes (June 2017) and Notice Eyes (November 2017) will be available.

15 comments to The Face Update – All of my Eyes

  • You look different. Has your chin grown?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    It has yeah, thank you for noticing. I’ve been eating a lot more chin-heavy food products which, I feel, has had a positive effect on my feace.

  • Kevil

    I’m not sure nature is ready for this level of ocular augmentation.

    Has anybody else commented on the fact that your neck eyes look like tiny breasts?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Yes they have. I’ve had 27,000 letters about that very point since I made the original post.

    I saw Ocular Augmentation in 2015 after they released their first EP. They were a bit up themselves.

  • I had noticed Ian’s neckboobs when he first had them fitted but I decided not to say anything. Little did I know they were Seeing me all along.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You’ve heard of the face ass. Now witness the neck boobs!

  • Let’s face it, this is the logical next step from the well-established bum chin and bollock neck.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Can we all spare a moment for the memory of Bum Chin Bollock Neck Magee please.

    ***

    ***

    Thank you.

  • We miss her greatly, but at least she’s not alone since she was joined in Graffiti Heaven by Sexatronic.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    All the greats made it to Graffiti Heaven.

    Can we all spare a moment for the memory of Sexatronic please.

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    ***

    Thank you.

  • So many silences. Are you just trying to shut me up?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You know me; if I wanted to do that I would have been much more direct.

    I woulda told ya to shut yo front cupboard. Close the grill. Unopen the vestibule.

  • I think “unopen the vestibule” might be my new favourite phrase. I can be pretty sure about that now I’ve spent 13 days considering it.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    It’s right on the fashions if you ask me. And you didn’t ask me but I mentioned it anyway. That’s because I’ve got moxie.

  • You have. You’re one spunky chap, that’s for sure.

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