User avatarThe problem with peas

Here’s a tragic story. Have a handkerchief handy to soak up your tears.

On Friday I got out my notepad and settled in to pay my fullest attention to Suggs’ 1995 masterpiece, The Lone Ranger. It will be the latest in my increasingly popular series of album reviews for the Beans.

Having made notes on each track, I packed up and set off towards North London to wait for Elena to finish work and so we could set off for the north. I’d be able to make tea and relax. I’d be able to write my album review. Everything would be great.

Unfortunately London had other plans for me. I can only assume that London actively wanted to prevent the world finding out my thoughts on the synth-reggae and two-tone cover versions offered by the former Madness frontman’s mid-nineties cash-in comeback, because it did everything it could to stop me writing that important and informative blog post. My fourteen mile journey took me three hours in the end, leaving me no time for tea, no time for careful musical contemplation and no time to share my thoughts with the world. I also had no time for lunch.

There are several tragic results from this appalling debacle.

  1. You will have to wait until later this month to read my review, which should have been posted in April.
  2. My next two album reviews will have to be delayed by an extra month, which means no Sade until June and no Shaggy until July.
  3. I only made three posts in April which means I broke my long run of consistent four-posts-a-monthing which had run since December 2014 and scored a nasty horrible dried pea on the bean counter which makes me VERY VERY ANGRY INDEED GAAAAAAAHHHHH.

In short: bad traffic makes for very bad apples.

Next time I’ll take the tube.

19 comments to The problem with peas

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I almost thought this was a post of little consequence, that is until I got to the third point.

    You must feel devastated. I only wish there was something we could all do to make you feel better.

  • I thought about cheating by writing the Suggs post on Sunday and fiddling the date, but I’m too honest for that. It left a bad taste in my mouth and a foul-smelling stain on the sheets.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    If only we knew someone who had so many peas who might be able to offer you some advice at this difficult time. Hmm…

  • More peas than me? You’d have to be someone who had made effectively no contribution to the Beans. I don’t think I know anyone like that.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Well if we could ask this person then we would and they could help you out. Do you want me to pretend to be that person? I’m good with acting; I have three certificates.

  • OK, let’s do a little role play then.

    Hey, person who has lots of peas, why have you made so few posts? Can you offer me any advice at this difficult time?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Person with lots of peas: I have no excuses really. I could post at any time but my champagne playboy lifestyle gets in the way of these things. You’ll have to make do. Why not buy a ferrari like me? You’ll soon forget about peas and beans.

  • No, person with lots of peas. I don’t want to buy a Ferrari, I want to participate fully in this shared blog site and not scoring a bean makes me feel sad because I haven’t given enough of my time and effort. Can you understand that feeling?

  • Person with lots of peas: It’s funny that your picture on here has you enjoying the champagne lifestyle yet you shun it. These seems more psychological than anything else. Why won’t you allow yourself to literally enjoy yourself? Why can’t “Real Chris” do the same as “Unreal Chris”?

  • I’m getting a bit creeped out by this role play. I don’t understand how someone could accrue so many peas in such a carefree way. It disturbs me.

  • Sorry, that’s the three certificates talking. They make my acting so intense it’s difficult to bear sometimes, but in a nice way, not in a lurid “you’re a minger” kind of way.

    Bear sometimes.

  • Sometimes I wonder whether, since you got your third certificate, your acting has actually become TOO good.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    It has been whispered in some circles, and I did notice Christian Bale and Daniel Day Lewis looking very worried when I walked into the Cromulet the other day. You know the Cromulet? The place where all the best actors hang out?

  • Elena....

    I don’t live in North London.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    So what you’re saying is that he’s lying and this whole post is a sham?

  • Elena....

    Yes. Clearly he stopped to see his floozy on the way over.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    It’s such a damning indictment of his caddish character. If only he had kept it to himself rather than bragging on here.
    Clearly the post and the prospect of a bean meant more than his cover. Tut tut, sir.

  • Is the Cromulet in north London? I don’t understand.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    All I can say is that even though you gained a pea, you managed to squeeze two posts about the same topic. Bravo sir, bravo.

Leave a Reply

  

  

  

Optionally add an image (JPG/JPEG only)