User avatarThis is not breakfast

Most days I have breakfast at home before I go to work. I know how to do breakfast. Make some coffee, put some bread in the toaster. Some days there’s something more interesting like crumpets. Pour a glass of orange juice if there’s time. Any idiot can do breakfast.

Not, it turns out, the people who run the only food outlet in the building where I now work. No, as I descend the marble staircase into the atrium there are inviting smells coming from the cafe, but the company that runs the franchise don’t understand breakfast. The inviting smells will invite you to disaster.

During the day they sell health food. In the morning they sell insults.

Here’s their breakfast menu almost in its entirety:

  • Ham hock protein pot with poached egg, spinach and chia seeds: £2.35 [this is the size of a yogurt pot]
  • Scrambled egg protein pot with semi-dried tomato and marinated mushrooms: £3.70
  • Scrambled egg protein pot with chorizo and avocado: £3.95
  • Scrambled egg protein pot with Greek-style cheese, herbs and chilli: £3.70
  • Organic porridge with soya milk: £2.55
  • Coconut milk porridge with toasted seeds: £2.95
  • Cherry and pistachio yogurt pot: £2.99
  • Chia and almond bircher muesli: £2.99

That’s more or less it. There’s no bacon sandwich in there, no egg that is not scrambled, no porridge made with actual milk from a cow. (Fake milk from soya or a coconut does not actually make something that looks or tastes like porridge, it makes sloppy white soup with lumps in. I know because I tried it one hungry morning and it was worse than I could have imagined.) There isn’t anything bread-based, because bread contains wheat and wheat is not healthy. You can have a vegetable smoothie with your breakfast (including kale, cucumber and spinach) but you can’t have a slice of toast with butter.

There isn’t really any point to this beyond the fact that sometimes I get to work early and I want something to eat and when I go downstairs I find nothing but seeds and spinach. It just makes me very upset and very disappointed, and I don’t know how these people can do something like this to a fellow human being. That’s all.

10 comments to This is not breakfast

  • I’m upset on your behalf, that is a disgrace.
    Where is the sausage? Where is the meat? WHERE IS THE MEAT?

    It sounds like there’s been a mix-up and you’ve got the canteen from a yoga studio in Chelsea. Have you tried flipping out into an uncontrollable rage and see what happens?

  • I saw a guy do that once. It was lunchtime and he’d innocently asked whether they had any toasties that weren’t on either gluten free or spelt bread and then he lost his rag. They held him down and gave him Kale, ginger and cucumber vitamin juice shot. I couldn’t watch.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    They’re doing breakfast all wrong!

  • Morrissey

    That’s my line!

    Bastards! Bastards!

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I know. Sorry, Morrissey.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Sorrissey?

  • Yes. Definitely Sorrissey.

    I think “Definitely Sorrissey” is the name of his new men’s fragrance.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Is that the one that smells like aubergines, or is that ‘Modfather Fumes’ by Paul Weller?

  • I’m pretty sure Modfather Fumes was the one that had a “fresh pine aroma” according to the sleeve but drew a lot of complaints because it turned out Paul Weller had just tucked a car air freshener under the cellophane and it wasn’t the authentic whiff of his songs.

  • Kevil

    I imagine Paul Weller Songs to smell of sweaty parkers and hair oil

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