User avatarUnusual Superheroes: The Car Man

I have a mild infatuation with comics and Kevin’s favourite, the graphic novel, but I have to admit that I was completely bamboozled by the superhero commonly known as ‘Car Man’.

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From what I can gather his special powers appear to consist of being handsome, oozing broodiness and the ability to seduce both men and women. He likes to walk around without a shirt on on hot summer days and stir up trouble. I expect he’s one of those troubled superheroes that keeps cropping up, with a tragic back story that is only hinted at rather than fully explained. That’s why he keeps dancing. Why does he keep dancing? He’s troubled. You see, it makes perfect sense.

His misfortunes continue when he struggles to hold his drink down, a bit like me after a pint and a half of cheeky dragon, and fails when trying to emulate his hero, Tyler Durden, from the popular book and film ‘Fight Club’ during his own fight club. The Car Man cannot live with himself knowing he sucks at the one thing that should ultimately prove him as the manliest man alive and thus gets shot by some bint on a staircase. In his final moments, the Car Man wishes he had better super powers because broodiness cannot stop a bullet. That’s why I always walk around with a pan lid strapped to my chest.

I don’t think that children will ever want to be the Car Man because he’s not fun like Spiderman or has gadgets like Batman. Ultimately he will struggle for mass appeal which is why you won’t see me with his confused, sweaty face on my lunchbox.

16 comments to Unusual Superheroes: The Car Man

  • A lot of this post is tremendously confusing, but I’m glad that it finally explains why you usually have kitchenware strapped to yourself.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I’ve always got at least a plastic fork and a shoehorn, because they help to make the world go round. Much like flans and tarts.

  • That sounds like some pretty nominal responsibility. But it’s responsibility all the same. The mark of a true man.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    It’s not comfortable responsibility but I shoulder it like the true hero I am. If you ever require assistance with squeezing your feet into shoes then call out the magic words and I will appear.

  • I thought the magic word was “please”. Do I just shout PLEASE and you’ll turn up?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    No. You have to turn around three times whilst chanting, “buff to sheen!” and on the fourth turn I will appear in a cloud of pigeons. It would have been doves but I couldn’t afford them.

  • I am going to try this as soon as I get home.

  • I tried it and all that happened was a trampy looking man walked past the window and coughed. Was that you? If it was you need to buck up your chude Sonny Jim.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    If I choose to wear my best clothes and disregard your very existence then I shall very well do so, sir.

    That might have been Errol though. He occasionally fills in for me if I’m busy.

  • I forgot to try it. There seemed to be a lot of pigeons anyway.

  • You’ve got plenty of pigeons, in fact you’ve got too many. Give some back.

    Selfish.

  • I released ten of my pigeons this morning. They flew into some overhead power cables and burned to death. You are responsible for their untimely deaths. I hope you’re happy.

  • If it was Errol, then I suggest you get him to have a good hard look at himself. He’s not doing you, or you pigeon burning brand any good.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I think you’ll find that if you speak to my attorney, James D. Titan, you’ll note the pigeon death disclaimer at the bottom of my birth certificate which confirms I cannot be held accountable for any deceased birds, in particular pigeons.

    Errol is always having a good hard look at himself. He can’t help it, he looks THAT good.

  • Damn you and your watertight birth certificate! Gets me every time.

    *shakes fist*

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I feel about as smug as that time that you did.

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