User avatarUppy – The Aerodynamic Dog

Hey YOU! Yes, YOU! Look at all that money just hiding in your wallet and / or purse. It’s wasting away there. What you’re looking for is a unique investment opportunity and that’s exactly what we’ve got for YOU right here on the Beans Shopping Network.

Dogs eh? Wonderful animals. Darling little creatures but gosh darn it don’t they get under your feet and in your way so much. How many times have you accidentally stood on a dachsund’s paw? How many times have you kneed a bulldog in the face because you didn’t know it was there? What you need then is Uppy the Aerodynamic Dog.

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Uppy is quintessentially the most amazing product you will see for the rest of the year. Our top scientists have engineered a series of dogs that have the ability to float in the air. This allows them to occupy the space you don’t need and will never occupy, making scenes involving your foot and their body a thing of the past.

There are so many benefits for both you and your Uppy dog. No longer will you trip over them whilst making spaghetti bolognaise; gently push Uppy out of the way and he will float away unharmed. No more will they tear your sofa and shoes to pieces; Uppy dogs have no concerns for matters on the floor, they’ve got things to do in the air. Do your kids have an irrational fear of birds? Not anymore they don’t, not once Uppy unleashes some chunky justice on their sorry feathery asses.

Each Uppy will come with their own stylish set of treats, beats and designer meats. Everything you need to get Uppy up and running will be included in the pack.

What are you waiting for? Invest now and receive a free Uppy napkin and empty milk bottle set.

Next Christmas every child will want an Uppy. Get in while you can. Guaranteed returns of some pounds.

Next on the Beans Shopping Network, a lovely way to illuminate cows…

17 comments to Uppy – The Aerodynamic Dog

  • Kevil

    pfffft, dogs. Who wants a dog?

    Now if Uppy was a cat….

    (also how do you feed a floating dog? Do you also sell floating food and water bowls?)

  • Does it do floating poos? Will I need a levitating pooper scooper?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Everything one needs to look after a floating dog will be provided. Additional food and accessories can be purchased from the online store in due course.

    The Uppy version 2.0 is hopefully going to have the benefit of a floaty poo but for now they’ll be solid and very very smelly.

  • I’m not looking forward to those landing on the carpet after a long drop.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    We’re working on a puppy puppet poop scoop that’ll mean you can catch those suckers like a ball or a pack of peanuts in your hand.

  • I don’t want to catch them in my hand. Ideally I’d have a completely arseless dog that would make no mess at all. Do you sell those?

  • Elena....

    Oh my gosh. This is so weird. I feel like this may be a completely normal conversation in a parallel universe.

  • Kevil

    You should see what it’s like beyond the hatch!

  • Elena....

    I’ve had a few glimpses. I think I’m safer out here.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    The arseless dog would have to come way further along the line. Those are lined up to be investigated circa 2020.

    Who doesn’t want to catch some Chinese Curlers in their hands? That’s what they call them up our way.

  • Here’s where I am. I see what you’re saying about dogs, and about Wilson’s Whirligigs (that’s what they call them round our way), but it’s not for me. I’m out.

  • Kevil

    I was never in.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You have to make up your minds as to whether you’re in or not. I mean Kevin is quite partial to a Thomas Trouser Twirl (as they call them down where he is) but unless you decide I can’t get the funding.

  • Not only have I decided not to stay in, and gone out, I am now so far out of this business deal that I have gone over the horizon and can no longer be seen from your floating dog proposition.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Right, so what you’re saying is that I am swift and fancy free, and can expect a cheque in the mail?

  • Kevil

    You are as swift and fancy free as you can be on your own in a room with a floating dog arse-coughing Land Grenades (that’s what we call them up here) around the place.

    The cheque on the other hand will not be so forthcoming.

    Good day sir.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    … PayPal?

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