Posts filed under 'Great'

T O D A Y # * &

Let’s have an update of today so far.

Today started very early, in fact it began at the beginning of today. Today around 12.00am I was stood in a club jigging about like a possessed pogo stick on a washing machine because it was the very last night of Stonelove in Digital. That doesn’t mean anything to anyone else but it was a little bit sad-inducing. Today continued a little further, involving more swaying and air-punching and drinking, until approximately 3:30am where I retired to the floor of a dark room and was stirred just after 7.00am this morning by a tiny man.

The tiny man was deposited at a public centre for tiny people. I received good news from the man who I often see on the bus, who having spoken for over a year at irregular intervals I still do not know his name, whereby he confirmed he had finally got a job after endless months of searching. His journey only lasted five minutes yet it was long enough to convey my hearty congratulations.

Just after 9.30am I believe I may have been misinformed by the connection between drinking a lot of water and a high metabolism by a member of staff in the coffee shop on the corner. Nonetheless I bought a dark swirling cup of juice and headed to work where a buffet for a member of staff leaving for another job greeted me. I resisted for the first hour and a half before tucking into a selection of mini sausages, mini sausage rolls, onion bhajis, slices of pizza and various cakes.

I ate so much I didn’t need a lunch, so I left the tins of food in my drawer and went for a walk doing a few chores along the way. I narrowly avoided the chuggers around Grey’s Monument (that’s a real word) and bought some bottles of water for my boss who isn’t feeling very well. I looked for a particular song on my i-pod however the random shuffling was against me; I was met with a plethora of catchy numbers as a compromise.

Currently I sit at my desk wearing shades to draw attention to myself. How about that?

September 23rd, 2011

Hypothetical Question

If one morning you woke up, as usual, and prepared to go to work, as usual, and had your breakfast and drank your coffee or tea, as usual, and put your coat and shoes on, as usual, and you get into your car, as usual, and turn the key. What, then, would you do if the car wouldn’t start?

Furthermore, if one would continue to ponder, if you went to open the hood of the car to check the engine and you discovered that the engine had, in fact, been stolen and replaced by one made out of dry pasta shapes, what would you do?

Would you call the police to report a theft?
Would you call your insurance company?

Or would you bag up the pasta, take it inside and, after work, collect the ingredients to make a lovely pasta sauce?

2 comments August 16th, 2011

Gig Stereotypes – Your Handy Guide

If, like me, you enjoy live music then you will be drawn to places where live music is being played. The size of the venue may differ. The price of the tickets will slide up and down depending on who you’re seeing. There is a constant that remains though wherever you go and whoever you’re with. With live music comes the gig stereotypes. There are many different types that you will come across but for your benefit the main offenders are listed below for your pleasure:

1. Smoochy Couple – so you’re trying to watch and the couple stood immediately in front of you from the point where the band or the artist comes onto the stage right up to the end will slosh and swoon and swap saliva for the entire duration. They’re not there for the music; they’re there to piss you off. If they wanted to sit in the dark they could have saved money and stood in the alley round the back. I might suggest this the next time it happens.

2. Mr Trendoid – he has crap hair, a striped t-shirt and tight jeans on. He will cop off with the most attractive woman in the room. He may even have arranged the gig itself. In a perfect world he would have been glassed on the way in.

3. KERAZY Girls – giddy, young, reeking of perfume and looking like, bless, prototype French prostitutes, these brazen, bronzed and buxom ladies will gather together in large groups within your field of vision. They are the most excited people in the room even though a lot of the time they don’t have a clue who it is they have come to see. It doesn’t matter; they’re there to be seen not to see. It’s the trendiferous factor. They’ve heard of Band A from their clueless friends or read about Band A in NME and, noticing they’re playing soon, purchase tickets. They fling their arms about and push their way to front. Hell, they may even be willing to drop on their knees and offer a blowie. Who knows.

4. Talkative Friends – nobody is expecting you to stay silent like a nun the whole time you’re there, but you will come across two friends who, probably stood just to the side of the smoochy couple, will chat constantly. You will half hear their conversation whilst the band stops one song and starts another. Their heads will duck back and forth, desperate to share something that clearly couldn’t wait until the end of the encore. Occasionally they’ll both laugh, neither one taking in what is happening right in front of them. Their persistence, whilst admirable initially, makes you want to punch them even more after five minutes.

You can’t change anything. No matter what you do they will turn up and they will try to ruin your life. My only advice is to learn to embrace their foibles and accidentally knock their drink over when they’re too drunk to notice.

August 2nd, 2011

For A Minute There I Lost Myself – Lost Childhood Heroes

I’m not one for showboating, that is no more than several monkeys that have been tied together and set on fire in the hope of getting the attention of anyone, anyone walking past. So that might be a yes. I want to step to one side of all the pressure, stress and little matters of today to look back at a couple of characters from my childhood who never seem to crop up these days. They appear to have been lost somewhere, possibly down the back of the sofa or in that dark alley you walk past but never peer into. Rather than a standard list I will name the parties and offer my comments:

Rupert Bear – clearly too queer for the 21st century, which is a shame because he solved a lot of crimes with the help of a badger, a mouse and an elephant. I’d wear a yellow scarf if I could get away with it. They should include him as a secret character in Gears of War 3; watch his popularity soar once he’s armed to the teeth.

The Raggy Dolls – am I squinting too much through the rose-tinted glasses or were they really that good? All I can remember is Sad Sack, a personal hero of mine. There is nothing more depressing and yet also uplifting as a gingerbread man-esque creature walking this earth; there’s no chance any kid is ever going to play with him but by Jove, it makes my life seem like a holiday.

Freakazoid! – I remember less of this other than what he looked like and most of the lyrics to the theme song. After checking wikipedia apparently there was a cat in it called Mr Chubbikins. That’s a double thumbs up right there. It was silly and sarcastic and it taught me what the word ‘unemployed’ meant.

One more…

Ollie The Ox – the main character of Ox Tales which seems to have been shown exclusively in Yorkshire as only myself and my counterpart Tina from ‘Uddersfield can remember it. Check your watch: are you less then ten years old? Is it the 1980’s? Is it the summer holidays? Then watch ITV in the morning and you should find Ox Tales. If however you are stuck in 2011 like me then I dunno try Youtube.

Gentlemen and ladies, I personally salute your efforts. You made me the work-shy, layabout loafer I am today.

June 22nd, 2011

I Want Future

I know we complain about the lack of futuristic things and how disappointing the future has turned out to be, and quite frankly I don’t want to change that tide by swooping in and saying how great everything is and how content I am with how things are. Because I’m not. Far from it.

I think that instead of furthering man’s advance into space or looking for similarities between dogs and why they lick their balls or whatever it is scientists investigate these days we should start a petition for futuristic things. Let me start the list off:

1. Robot Pants – not that I’m really so lazy that I don’t have the energy to remove them myself but I think some sort of crazy trousers would go down a treat. Imagine if they could heat you during winter months or blow cold air around when it’s hot. When you take them off they stand guard by your door or there could be a switch you can trigger to make loud noises when approached by elderly ladies conducting surveys, making them scurry away.

2. Gadget Gauntlets – one button could extend to reveal Spiderman-like stretchy goo stuff allowing you to climb tall buildings or harness criminals, another could reveal a tin opener or flares to distract would-be attackers.

3. Lasers – it’s an obvious one, and one which would of course be used by criminals for nefarious purposes. If they could develop one slightly stronger than a laser pen so I could use it to melt marshmallows instead of having to savage them with a cigarette lighter that would be a big help.

March 3rd, 2011

Rap That Up (To Go)

All you Papples fans out there will probably be very excited to hear that at some point in 2011 not only will a new Papples album surface but also a thrilling new project featuring long-time scientist, full-time alchemist, solicitor and lawyer Kevin Hill.

Currently nine or so tracks have been written and they will be in a completely different direction to the first two albums. Fear not though, they still retain the warmth, lyrical intensity coupled with timeless tunes you all know and love.

We are all very giddy at Pap HQ to unleash this behemoth upon the unsuspecting now suspecting world.

Further updates will follow.

2 comments January 10th, 2011

Christmas Tash

This is what happens when one person has access to Photoshop and nobody else in the firm does:

December 21st, 2010

How To Be A Shit Wizard – a handy guide

There are so many great wizards out there, Gandalf, Merlin, some kid with glasses, that it does put a lot of pressure on starting wizards or begina-wizards to become somewhat of a legend. Luckily someone has seen sense and decided that not everyone has to be a great wizard, that sometimes being the worst at something can be a lot more fun. So we hereby present a bitesize version of Smoochies Inc’s ‘How To Be A Shit Wizard’.

  1. Start off with the most basic spells you can come across. The ‘box into another box’ and ‘make a pencil sharpener appear in your pocket’ are favourites amongst the shit magic community.
  2. Dress as you mean to go on. Rummage around in any charity shops for clothing in the wrong sizes or look in your dad’s wardrobe for fashions that don’t exist out of 1976 (but not too deep, you never know what’s lurking in there).
  3. Don’t bother with a magic wand; go for a magic straw instead. It’ll lessen the strength of your magic because of the hole in the middle.
  4. Stay indoors a lot. Stray away from exciting adventures involving knights and dragons and gold and the such. Always make sure you catch ‘Eastenders’ and ‘Coronation Street’ and bore any other wizards you come across with thrilling conversations such as, “Did you see what Phil Mitchell did last night?”
  5. Piss yourself as often as possible.

The standard and deluxe editions of ‘How To Be A Shit Wizard’ are available now from most bookshops.

December 7th, 2010

Donating Face to Save Face

Hello

You know me, I’m the biggest most selfish bastard you’ve ever come across but recently I’ve decided that perhaps that isn’t the best way to be. I mean pushing over old ladies and pissing in bins is as polite as I get, why change the habit of a lifetime? Well, bad karma for one.

So in order to stand up like a man and pretend to be one for thirty days I am cultivating a little weasel’s foot underneath my nose, a smush of a badger’s snout if you will, a veritable treasure trove of hair-ical eccentricities on my top lip. A moustache if you will.

Do I look like an idiot? Of course. Do I resent myself when I look in a mirror? Yeah but so what else is new? Any help, any money, any sarcasm you can donate to my worthy cause would be gratefully received.

http://uk.movember.com/donate/your-details/member_id/867182/

SPONSOR MY FACE!

November 8th, 2010

Twitterings….

PouringBeans now has its own twitter account. I realise this is probably pointless, but its free and ive done it already so there.

It should post site updates to the twittersphere via the handily named @pouringbeans account.

Follow us now… or else.

October 8th, 2010

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