Posts filed under 'Chris'

You See Me Right?

You see me. As in me. Right, well here it is. The thing is, is that I know that I want to phone Marshall and catch up and talk about whatever stuff it is that has happened since we last spoke. That’s the thing. The problem is that I don’t. Or if I do, hes busy. So he’ll ring me back, but then I’m busy. So I’ll forget to ring him for a bit, then I’ll call him up and he’s busy. So maybe a few days later he’ll remember to call me back, but the problem there you see is that I’m busy…

Do you SEE where this is going? Nowhere, that’s where. Nowhere fast.

4 comments February 11th, 2011

It’s the Me

Hello.

February, I said to myself. February is the time to get involvulised again. The time to re-relationate yourself with Da Beans. To do some contributioning. So here I am. They say you should write about what you know, and what I know are the THINGS I see around me on the desk.

  • Bendy desk lamp
  • Birthday present for someone whose birthday was in mid-January
  • Pen shaped like a dinosaur on which messages can be recorded, and which if you press the button now, has Kev’s voice saying “rar”
  • Post-it note reminding me to buy cake tickets

There will be more later, when I know more, and thus I am able to write about more of what I know, when there is more of it.

More.

10 comments February 3rd, 2011

Rap That Up (To Go)

All you Papples fans out there will probably be very excited to hear that at some point in 2011 not only will a new Papples album surface but also a thrilling new project featuring long-time scientist, full-time alchemist, solicitor and lawyer Kevin Hill.

Currently nine or so tracks have been written and they will be in a completely different direction to the first two albums. Fear not though, they still retain the warmth, lyrical intensity coupled with timeless tunes you all know and love.

We are all very giddy at Pap HQ to unleash this behemoth upon the unsuspecting now suspecting world.

Further updates will follow.

2 comments January 10th, 2011

That’s Better

January 5th, 2011

New Papples Album Critically Acclaimed

Following the global smash that was the debut album ‘Wasting My Life’ the Papples have leapt forward in front of the musical crowd to deliver what can only be described as the biggest twenty-five minutes you ever heard. Check out the multitude of FIVE star reviews:

“The second album is better than the first… I loved the first one but this one is a quantum leap musically” – J McIver

***** – Smoochies Inc

“Masterpiece is brilliant! Ass Pumping Gas (Pumping Ass) remains my favourite” – S McIver

“Immense” – N Simpson

How can they improve on perfection? How will the third album sound? Only time will tell.

2 comments August 19th, 2010

Welcome to the Nonny Market

Good Morning and welcome to the Nonny Market.

The Nonny Market is a brand new and exclusive business only available in selected parts of the country which gives only CERTAIN people the chance to experience the whimsy and wonder. Do you want to be one of those people? Can you sing all the words to ‘China Girl’ by David Bowie? Fill in a ten page document with all your personal details and maybe, just maybe you might be one of the lucky few who get to enter the Nonny Market. Before it goes on general release and any old codger with a codpiece can get in.

There are rules for entering the Nonny Market though. Whilst it does have everything you could ever want ranging from simple items such as bread and milk to luminous uncertainties such as howling guinea pigs, sweaty cheese plants and face magnets you must ensure that you do not touch nor buy any of these. Nothing, nothing at all. They are not for you.

So good luck with the draw. We hope to see you “shopping” at the Nonny Market very soon.

2 comments August 2nd, 2010

STOP

Ladies and gentlemen (mainly gentlemen) of the Beans,

I am sure you are as saddened and horrified as I am about the state of things and how stuff is generally very bad in various ways at the moment. It is high time we stopped talking about whatever is not quite right and turned our words into action. That time is now.

I have started by launching a new CAMPAIGN to deal with the many pressing issues facing us all in this modern world in which we live in. The campaign is called STOP, which stands for Sort This Out Please.

You can help by donating all your money, taking all your posessions to a STOP charity shop, resigning from your job in order to spend your every waking moment volunteering in STOP’s many projects and having your friends and family culled so that when you die there is nothing to prevent STOP from taking all your remaining money and worldly possessions.

You can also display the new bumper sticker on your car, train, helicopter or face:

I’m sure you will agree that STOP represents the first vitally important step in fixing whatever problem it is that we’re obviously very worked up about. So it’s time to make your pledge. What will you do to get STOP started?

1 comment July 21st, 2010

State of the Beans Address

The 2010 State of the Beans Address
Delivered by Dr. Humphrey Bumfrey M.D.

Settle down, everyone, settle down. Thank you.

It is a great honour to be invited back here to Da Beans for another time, and to be asked to deliver my analysis of the current state of this fine web institution. Being a scientist with all sorts of clever gadgets and fancy equations out of books and that, I am incredibly clever, much more so than any of you, and therefore you have to listen to me and think I’m great.

First to the trends in posting volumes here on Da Beans.

After a steady, level second half of 2009, figures become erratic around the New Year 2010 period. This is down to a number of factors.

  1. Ian making many posts in December, each composed of thousands of deadly nanoposts.
  2. Everyone losing interest for a bit.

I have rubbed my stethoscope on Da Beans and given it some calpol, and I am pleased to say it has made a full recovery. Posting volumes are now back at normal pre-blowout levels and, as you can see from this graph, this is unlikely to be a temporary result.

This is clearly a graph

Next we turn to comment levels and quality.

It has been observed that there were “good old days” on Da Beans when posts were excellent and comments were both humourful and numberous. These things tend to change upwardly as well as downbound, but in general there are comments being made today that are as good, wholesome and nutritious as anything posted in 2006. It is easy to see the past through lead-lined glasses.

Finally, I will leave you with a note of optimism for the future. I believe Da Beans has a bright future ahead of it, partly for the reasons outlined above, but mostly because Saint King has been told where to stick it.

Goodnight.

14 comments June 23rd, 2010

Newsboost Zoom Flume – World Under Pressure

Increasing pressure has today been inflicted upon the world by a large group of Americans obsessed with the motion picture ‘Back To The Future II’. They are stating that, with less than five years before we reach the year 2015, they are very disappointed with the lack of progress in the fields of science that were implied in the film.

“It’s awful,” says hasbeen wunderkinder Lars Inuit who is the spokesperson for the group Get Back To The Future, “We’ve no hover cars, no hover boards. Last week I went into a diner and there wasn’t a monitor with Ronald Regan on it telling me what the day’s specials were. I don’t really think there is enough time for the technology to reach this level anymore. What are we supposed to do?”

With not really having anyone from the world to speak on behalf of the world the United Nations decided to balance a donkey on a beachball for seven minutes as a direct response to the claims from the group. When the donkey only managed thirty seconds it was rushed away into a back room and replaced with a cardboard cut out.

We asked Kevin Hill Science Master, leader in the field of tasting his own mouth, about the news. “I’ve seen the film but it’s never had an effect on me. I mean what’s the point in finding out what is happening in a few years time when we’ve only just reached the point where we can taste our own mouths? We need to focus and stick to the basics.”

A similar group appeared towards the end of the twentieth century when fans on the cult television series ‘Space 1999’ were appauled that the citizens of planet earth were not living on the moon and travelling around in shoddy trains.

4 comments May 12th, 2010

The Mystery Of The Hand-Written Cards (that came through the post)

It was late on the Thursday of the 6th May. I had just returned home with my small counterpart and pushed some nutrients into my face when I discovered a strange card lying on my bed. It appeared to have some writing and possibly some diagrams, both of which were illegible. In order to carry on with my evening I placed them to one side.

Imagine my surprise then when a further nine arrived on my doorstep the next day. Each contained a number and again further words and pictures that seemed to be describing some event or events to which I had not been part of. I hadn’t a clue where to start even after referring them to one of the younger generation who seemed to relish the indescribable and the incoherant.

Then came Saturday and further shocks. Two more cards were left hanging from my postbox. I now appeared to have a full set of something. Several evenings have passed by since then and I am determined to discover the fiend or fiends who are toying with my mind. Any fresh evidence will follow.

7 comments May 10th, 2010

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