Posts filed under 'Things'

Premature Tears

So, where has the time flown?

Two weeks and I was still on a steady roll only to be put out by a trip to Loondon and my birthday, so the Beans has been as quiet as a jaded pop star. We will have to put that right though. Hands up who wants a Papples media diary for the recording of their latest album? Hands up who wants a bit of abuse to throw at Natasha Bedingfield? Who also wants to learn about love and Mrs Shadwell?

Finger wiggle time… !

November 22nd, 2011

Eating On A Budget – Lunchtime Thrift

Good afternoon and welcome to another fine edition of Eating on a Budget.

This week we look into the firm, fine and frisky line of soups on offer for the general public. In particular has been singled out the minetrone soup from the Soupreme range.

At first glance it looks like sick yet reach further into the soup and more amazing pallets come into view. Through the murky red liquid appears little strands of noodle, then more vegetables, like mariners clutching to marshmallows for dear life in a raging sea. At once my face is shocked by the inclusion of taste; this meal, if you can call it that, is delivering on more fronts than was originally thought.

As with the beans and sausages this was tackled without the aid of bread and so, spoon in hand, I devoured the beast whole with a satisfying smacker of my lips at the end. Satisfied, hmmm, well the hunger had left my building but it was still rapping on the window looking for loose change. Not that it wasn’t filling just the experience fell short of what I was looking for.

Still, the price was superb; for less than 40p you can go through what I just went through. It gets a thumb and a half for good measure – 6 out of 10.

September 22nd, 2011

Motived Selling

Having established my empire back in the late 18th century I think it would take a fool the size of Lincolnshire to claim that I wasn’t very good at selling things. I’ve been there through the highs and the lows and now that we’re back in the lows I should pass on some of my knowledge to those who require it. And here it is:

“You can sell anything to anyone with the help of some bears.”

Now we’re not talking some domesticated, Winnie the Pooh sort of bear. What I mean is one of the wilder, more unhinged bears. The ones with the big face and the large paws. Them ones. You get yourself a couple of them and the skys the limit and various other cliches.

Place whatever it is you want to sell inside a rather large cage then put the bears inside the big cage in a small cage. Cover the bears with a fruit-covered blanket to give the impression of space and open the door to allow people in to inspect what you’re trying to sell. If they don’t look interested or if they try to leave you shut the door of the big cage and threaten to unleash the bears unless they buy your product.

Simple and effect, this method can be used over and over for repeated success. Try it; you just might like it.

August 23rd, 2011

The Wife Spectrum – An Introduction

By Oily Buns aka Oliver Bunsford

I suppose it was only a matter of time before my knowledge and expertise in this field was required by the rest of the world. It is not the kind of thing you can keep to yourself, especially when you know it will help so many others. So yes, I’m throwing the gauntlet down and showing my shiny parts. I am giving up my valuable time to point you in the right direction. I’ve also lost quite a lot of business since “real” and “funny” comedians started appearing again, and those articles about the train sodomy didn’t help.

How many people have wives? Exactly. Tons. How many people know what to do with wives? Exactly. Tons. Some however don’t have the faintest idea of what to do once the veil is up. They get a frightened look on their face and soil themselves in the reception room. Luckily I’ve been practising polygomy for the best part of two decades; for no particular reason, I get a bit fussy sometimes, I like a bit of change. Being on the road so much you pick things up here and there, mainly there, and there as well.

You can break wives into five main groups: annoying, naggy, pointy, nymph and polar bear. I seem to favour the last two, no idea why. We will run through all of them at some point.

I only hope that with my help you can achieve the same level of bliss that I, my eleven wives, and twenty-seven children have.

May 24th, 2011

Eating On A Budget – Lunchtime Thrift

Good afternoon and welcome to the first in what we hope will be a long line of editions of Eating on a Budget.

This week we attempt to grasp the subtle nuances of an old favourite namely beans and sausages, grabbed from the shelves of Sainsburys and paid for with very little pence. Yes, this tin of salvation was purchased for less than 30p so what can you expect to find within?

For your money you do get a generous portion including six or seven sausages and plenty of beans. As with most tinned items there was more sauce than necessary. When the spoon went into my mouth there was a slight expectation of squalid tomatoes but it wasn’t as bad as it should have been. It was tomato-y, yes, it was exactly as it was described on the tin, more of less, but the after taste left a little to be desired. The price you paid immediately comes to mind once the food has left your mouth.

I could have tarted it up with some bread rolls but I faced the enemy alone and came off a little worse for wear. Whether it chooses to return on me only time will tell however it has stayed down for ten minutes and one can only assume this is a good thing.

Overall this little number could have been better yet set your expectations lower than usual and you might be surprised – 5 out of 10.

May 13th, 2011

Garner This And Wait!

Dear Shreddies / Nestle,  

                        I am very, very, very fond of Shreddies. If I could I would probably eat Shreddies three times a day because they taste amazing. As a child I can remember sitting idly watching television and eating huge bowls of Shreddies; as an adult things haven’t changed much. I have had to cut down to one or two bowls a day because I’m told by my doctor I’m supposed to have a varied diet and even though there’s a ton of great stuff in Shreddies and milk I need other things too like vegetables and fruit. Have you seen how much sugar is in fruit though? Have you tasted celery? Fruit is dead expensive too, whereas a box and Shreddies will last me just about a full week for a small sum.

You needn’t be concerned though; every box of Shreddies I buy I always recycle the cardboard. Sometimes I have a dream where I’ve eaten so many boxes of Shreddies that I leave them in the back garden and when I look out of the window there’s just a massive pile, so big I can’t open the door. Then the police come round and it’s get a little complicated; I won’t go into those details, it is just a recurring dream after all.

I was considering writing a poem about how great Shreddies are but I didn’t think it would work very well. Not a lot of words rhyme with Shreddies apart from ‘teddies’, ‘readies’ and ‘steadies’. Can you be best man at a Weddies? Can you get a horrible pain in your Headies? I don’t think so. Needless to say though I’m sure a much better person can come up with a much better poem to relay my admiration for your brilliant cereal.

Kind Regards

Ian McIver

1 comment April 8th, 2011

Garner This And Wait!

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

I have to tell you I love your product Fairy so much. It is one of the consistencies in modern life; a product that continues to clean to a satisfactory level time after time after time. So much so I’ve written a poem about it:

Fairy Satisfaction

Oh how it cleans, oh how it sheens
Everything sparkles after using so little
Turning my plates that were dirty and brittle
Into steaming great monsters of shine
No need to work my behind
A few wipes and I’m done
That’s the beauty and the fun of Fairy
My hero
Or heroine
Or whatever gender washing-up liquid is

If I could I would use it for other things in fact occasionally I wash myself with it. Not in the washing up bowl of course but in the shower. So, two questions:

  1. Does washing up liquid have a gender and
  2. Are there any long-term side effects of using it on human skin?


Yours Faithfully

Ian McIver

2 comments March 16th, 2011

The Ulimate Collection Of Stretched Weasel Cheese Statues

Are you still buying Christmas presents?

Can’t what to do buy Uncle Dad or Cousin John in prison?

Then what you need is the ultimate gift for the ultimate person! Smoochies Inc are proud to announce a release of 1000 only set of Stretched Weasel Cheese Statues, not available in the shops.

Each statue has the chiseled features of nature’s favourite mammals: the beady eyes, the protruding whiskers, the cutsey face. In fact each statue has ten times more cute than the leading competator with a whole stack of satisfaction guaranteed.

Order now and we will ship within 24 hours, so that’s at least 24 hours before the country gets snowed in again. And remember there are only 1000 sets for sale making it an instant limited edition, never to be re-issued again. In fact if you do not order at least one this instant you will forever remember this moment as the moment when you could have ordered a life-changing collection of Stretched Weasel Cheese Statues and you didn’t, because you plumped for something stagnant and ordinary like a copy of Shrek which you can buy any time and you shouldn’t really because they’re just plain awful.

Order now. Our dedicated staff are on hand to take your call.

4 comments December 14th, 2010

Clowns International

This may be common knowledge however I don’t think I have ever come across it myself. Having received a weird text message from my brother I was directed towards Clowns International which is the official website if you want to become a clown. It has ideas about being a clown and what you should do if you want to do it professionally.

The strange thing is that when you register to become a clown you have to paint your clown face onto an egg, which is then stored somewhere to prevent duplication of the make-up (how you are supposed to do this in a world of six billion people I couldn’t say). If you happen to still be practising as a clown when you die the members of Clowns International smash the egg, as if your entire existence was based on that egg.

Words alone can’t describe how strange that is.

4 comments October 14th, 2010

Catching Up With Toni Basil

Today I have been spending a lot of my time catching up with US singer-songwriter, actor, filmmaker and director not to mention choreographer Toni Basil.

I have to admit that I was quite naive when it came to the career of Toni Basil. I was not aware that she released her first single as far back as 1966. I was not aware that her debut album had three songs written by Devo on it. I was also not aware that she starred in the films ‘Easy Rider’ and ‘Five Easy Pieces’ and that she was the one who choreographed and directed the Talking Heads video ‘Once In A Lifetime’. The list just goes on and on!

Actually it doesn’t. It goes on for a little bit and stops. You can’t argue with the bubblegum teen fury of a song such as ‘Mickey’. It didn’t get voted No 6 on VH1’s 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80’s for nothing. It’s just a shame that the original version of the song was called ‘Kitty’ and she changed the words to coincide with the fact that she worked with Mickey Dolenz of the Monkeys during their sixties headf*ck of a film ‘Head’.

Pay particular interest to her 1983 song ‘Shoppin’ from A to Z’ which features a shopping list consisting of various grocery items, each beginning with a different letter of the alphabet. I am waterin’ at the mouth at the prospect of listening to this tonight.

Look at ME and be inspired.

6 comments July 5th, 2010

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