Posts filed under 'What I Did Today'

I can do this

I have installed an app on my mobile electrical blower called Blogpress which allows me to post things like this to Da Beans without having to visit the website.

So now – even while on the omnibus or while browsing Woolworths or something, I can post things here.

You can, I’m sure, imagine my excitement. Please detail how you imagined my excitement.

7 comments July 24th, 2011

Things I Have Been Told To Do

I have been told to make a return to Da Beans. So here I am, making a return. I am returning.

I can now add this thing to the list of things I have been told to do. This includes:

  • Tidy my room
  • Be quiet
  • Stop making that face
  • Don’t do that
  • Please don’t do that
  • Stop touching me
  • Get your finger out of my drink
  • Don’t talk about that any more
  • Go sit quietly over there
I have not been told to insert a picture of a dog riding a bicycle, but I am choosing to do this of my own accord, and you can’t stop me.

11 comments July 11th, 2011

Enlightening The Ignorant

I came across this in the library yesterday. I took a picture but I can’t transfer them from my phone to the t’internet. Nice.

March 17th, 2011

How Business Cards Should Be Done

February 18th, 2011


Ladies and gentlemen (mainly gentlemen) of the Beans,

I am sure you are as saddened and horrified as I am about the state of things and how stuff is generally very bad in various ways at the moment. It is high time we stopped talking about whatever is not quite right and turned our words into action. That time is now.

I have started by launching a new CAMPAIGN to deal with the many pressing issues facing us all in this modern world in which we live in. The campaign is called STOP, which stands for Sort This Out Please.

You can help by donating all your money, taking all your posessions to a STOP charity shop, resigning from your job in order to spend your every waking moment volunteering in STOP’s many projects and having your friends and family culled so that when you die there is nothing to prevent STOP from taking all your remaining money and worldly possessions.

You can also display the new bumper sticker on your car, train, helicopter or face:

I’m sure you will agree that STOP represents the first vitally important step in fixing whatever problem it is that we’re obviously very worked up about. So it’s time to make your pledge. What will you do to get STOP started?

1 comment July 21st, 2010

Capital Business

A fellow work colleague has recently returned from her holiday in the United States where she discovered that for a small fee you can get your FACE put onto… M & M’s. You would think that an M & M, or an M, I never know which one it is, would be too small to house a FACE however Mars seems to think different. After a quick squizz on t’web there is also a website you can peruse at your pleasure:

This wouldn’t be right for the English market. We would need something that was bigger and down to earth, something from our history and our heritage. So here’s what we do; we put FACES onto pasties. With so many flavours (Cornish, Cheese, Steak, Cheese and Beans, Curry) at our disposal there is one for every occasion. We can have birthday FACEs. Imagine opening up a package and there’s you in a photo from your 8th birthday when you were pretending to be a Ghostbuster. Wedding FACEs, Barmitzvah FACEs, Anniversary FACEs.

If we can get some money behind this hound I’m sure we can make it. So, who’s got the cash to support this trash?

10 comments July 8th, 2010


This morning I had a shower and it was excellent. I am going to tell you about it.

My shower, right, is a thing in my bathroom where hot water comes out and makes me less dirty. This morning I adjusted the settings and made it hotter than I normally have it.

It was ACE. It was rather a lot like a volcano, but a ceiling-mounted volcano where it’s above you and the stuff is all coming downwards. And instead of a cone of ignacious rock protruding from a zone of geological instability close to the margins of tectonic plates, it was more like a plastic shower head mounted on the wall. And where the hot, burning lava and pyroclastic flow would be on a normal volcano was actually just fairly hot water, not hot enough to burn or otherwise damage human skin on contact.

That was what my shower was like this morning. The towel was green.

14 comments February 3rd, 2010

What I Didn’t Do

Here is a list of things I didn’t do today:

  • I didn’t thrust my loins at any given time.
  • I didn’t eat lunch properly; I ate my sandwich the wrong way round.
  • I didn’t whoop like a songbird at the prospect of receiving both a tin of Quality Street and a tin of Heroes.
  • I didn’t sing all the words to ‘Roxanne’ by the Police but I did do it in a bad funk falsetto voice.
  • I didn’t put up all the Christmas cards I’ve received on the wall so they look tidy beyond all kinds of imaginations.
  • I didn’t finish this…

December 21st, 2009

Friday in Micklefield

As I write this there is a reindeer trying to steal my biscuits, Ian is playing a tune on a mushroom and Sarah is sulking because she doesn’t have the mushroom.

BTW Reuben isn’t going to get the magic skateboard he wanted for chirstmas.

Sarah still wants the mushroom.

1 comment December 18th, 2009

Some advice

You see this? I advise you not to do this.


Nine out of ten mechanics recommend you avoid doing this. The other 10% are being actively hunted by the police and will be shot on sight.

(I’m OK by the way.)

24 comments November 16th, 2009

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